OCD?

I just joined this app literally minutes ago. I don’t know if I have OCD. I went to therapy probably three times in my life and was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. However I had a hard time being honest with them so I worry I was misdiagnosed. Ever since second grade I’ve had vivid intrusive thoughts. More like movies playing in my head almost 24/7. I remember sitting in class when they just popped up out of nowhere. Images of my parents getting hurt, car crash or getting hurt on the job. They were wild herb hunters so they spent their time in the mountains. I could see them being crushed by trees, breaking their legs and screaming for help but nobody is around to help them. I could feel their fear and their cold bodies as they laid there helpless. This has continued throughout my life. I would cry a lot in school. I couldn’t tell nobody because I was afraid they would take me from my parents. That fear came from being asked if my parents were hurting me at home because I cried so much. After a few years I could manage to distract myself enough to not let them overwhelm me. I also started doing things like associating my passwords with my parents. My passwords would be things like I love JCC. (My Parents Initials). This was a way for me to show them I loved them. Even though they never knew this. I also started to say I love you probably a hundred times a day. It never felt right so I would say it until it did but also to ensure they knew it in case something bad did happen. Eventually when I stopped doing it they would still say “I love you too” if they heard any little noise. The thoughts changed as I got older. Started thinking of the house catching on fire, robbers breaking in, demons and monsters being in the dark. A variation of each of these. Which led to me constantly checking locks, stoves, heaters, making sure everything was off when I left the house. Always expecting to come home to it being burned down. Also sleeping with the lights on for a very long time. I don’t struggle so much with the dark anymore but sometimes I feel this overwhelming fear and I’m certain a demon will pop up if it’s completely dark. I used to be afraid to get out of bed at night because I was certain I was going to get pulled under my bed. Nowadays it’s a variation of each, but also worry about my wife. I’m constantly seeking reassurance in our marriage but also in my platonic relationships as well. I feel the constant need to prove my love to people. I drain myself by going out of my way for everyone because to me the moment I stop performing is the moment they stop caring. Sometimes this leads to me being way too open and overbearing about my feelings. But it feels like this pressure builds up in my chest and it doesn’t go away until I spew how I feel about stuff. I feel like my entire life is built around some form of fear. I am religious, I’m a Christian and the last few years I’ve been growing in my faith which has helped me learn a lot but growing up it caused me to think if I didn’t pray a certain way things could go wrong. But my faith is healthy now I would say, if anything it’s helped lead me here to learning about myself and seeking answers. Thanks for taking the time to read this. I plan on getting therapy to get some kind of diagnosis. Just thought I’d share and see what people thought.

kalopsiia

Date posted: 15h

These are definitely common behaviors/thought processes that people with OCD (myself included) experience. Reassurance seeking is also a big part of OCD and it can be hard to avoid seeking it, but it’s paramount in the recovery process (I’m still struggling with it myself, it takes time and a lot of practice; the more reassurance you get the more OCD wants.) A lot of things you say you experienced as a kid, I did as well. I wasn’t diagnosed with OCD until I was an adult and was instead diagnosed with various different things and a lot of my paranoia was dismissed as a result of trauma I had been through. Once I realized I had OCD, a lot of things made more sense. It didn’t make it easier per se, but it did help me understand why the thoughts I was having were occurring. I grew up Pentecostal and am still a christian as well but growing up the religious environment I was in/evangelical way of thinking definitely made me very paranoid and concerned about praying wrong, like you said, among other things. I definitely think getting a diagnosis from a professional will be very helpful to you, as well as starting ERP therapy. There are also some good workbooks available online you could take a look at that may help. Best wishes and prayers to you, friend🫶🏻

Sonnyy

Date posted: 15h

@kalopsiia Thank you!!

Corbett97

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 15h

My thoughts and behaviors were very similar. I also was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, but until I was educated about OCD years later did I have an inkling that’s what I might have. It can be hard to be honest, but the therapists are trained in this and have your best interest at heart. The diagnosis isn’t fun, and the ERP therapy isn’t either, but it’s life changing! Once you have the diagnosis, you can put a name to it and know how to treat it after working on it.

Imsexybutimi...

Date posted: 25w

Do I have ocd

Hey, so idk if I have ocd, I would like to think I’m a very self aware person but I don’t wanna self diagnose at all, lmk what you guys think. So pretty much my whole life since I was young I remember having irrational fears im sure it was all trauma induced but when I was a kid I thought my father was poisoning me until I asked him, he started crying and was so shocked that I could ever even think that, my parents broke up when I was legit fresh out the womb, mom worked two jobs and disciplined me, dad let me do whatever on the weekends and got me snacks so I was obsessed with him so obsessed that it was mandatory for me to kiss his picture 20x everyday before school. Growing up I always felt followed by cameras or like someone out there was recording me waiting for me to do something embarrassing to expose me in front of the whole world and my life was over 🤣🤣 I thought my abusive ex bf was stalking me through my I phone camera after we broke up and it would truly stress me out, it made me believe that it was the reason he never reached out again bc I probably looked ugly in the camera he was stalking me through. If I fall out with a friend Ill over analyze everything to see if I did anything wrong and god forbid while I’m self reflecting I realize I did something wrong I feel like an evil person, verbatim the people I fall out with is bc they’ve done me wrong in some way and it has to b something hurtful or repeated mistakes for me to really stay away for good, so I’ll beat myself up for making mistakes with another person who’s made the same amount of mistakes if not more and in most cases I always fall short, and this when I question if it’s ocd or I’m just to self aware and see the ugly in me bc I’m not perfect and it’s just makes me feel so unsettled but again that’s a normal feeling and the next step is to forgive yourself and do better moving forward, not obsess over it like your trying to convince yourself you’re a good person. I’m also hot tempered and will say hurtful things when I’m mad I’m definitely a crash out in the way, you push my bottoms way too many times and I will shred you, and I’ll say things ik will hurt you and that’s just so low, then the anger goes away and I have to face the guilt, which makes my “ocd” 100x worse, it almost feels like I have to do everything right to not trigger it yet again I don’t have the self control to do it all right, I actually have a lot bpd tendencies again not diagnosing but I’m just trying to understand my brain. I worry about dying, getting a terminal illness. uti turning into kidney infection then into cancer kind of thing, knowing that life in general can b tragic is so scary to me, like what will be my story? What will be my life experience?. I believe that people see right through me and discuss it amongst each other, I always tell myself I am not that important but I can’t seem to shake it off sometimes. When I would break up with my ex I would have pre written paragraphs ready to b send if he ever decided to reach back and I would do this to make sure I didn’t forget a single thought, that every point i felt I need to prove was there, and that bothers me bc do I want win an argument or fix the issue. All of these feelings make me feel so pathetic and embarrassed people move on with their lives and I’m still stuck on something that happened 3 yrs ago. Then I’ll get manic get a tattoo, change my hair, go out clubbing do what I can to b the sexy young girl that I am and it helps in the moment but it worsens my mental after the euphoria is gone. I’m currently staying home, not going out, have only 1 friend so I feel like ocd progressively got worse now, I don’t remember it getting this bad in a while. lmk what you guys think don’t judge or think I’m embarrassing I’m actually so cool and if have to convince you I’m cool I will LMFAOO no but fr help

L0ng16aelak

Date posted: 25w

Unsure if I even have OCD

Hello, I’m new to this app. I’ve always had an anxious brain, and I’ve had coping mechanisms for as long as I can remember. When I was a kid, from as early as I could spell, until I was probably early teens, I would constantly write words in my head along to the beat of music. It’s such a vivid memory because I never stopped doing it. The word had to perfectly match up to the lyric and I loved that it kept my brain busy. I grew out of that, but felt like good context. My anxiety increased drastically around ages 17-19, and I began therapy. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety and panic disorder, due to having a panic attack nearly every day at that time. I overcame that as well, and now the panic attacks are every now and then, but the anxiety is constant, and some recent symptoms have led me to believe I might have some form of OCD. Maybe not. I’m trying to understand myself and get better so I joined this app to make sense of things. Lately I’ve been having really intense intrusive thoughts. I’m really embarassed and they make me feel like a bad person. Thoughts pop in my head seemingly out of nowhere. It will be an image of me harming myself or someone else in a really bad way. (Trigger warning) for example the other day I couldn’t shake the image of me putting a knife through my own forehead, although it’s not something I want to do. Or I’ll imagine someone killing me. I imagine my loved ones dying often. The thoughts feel so out of my control it’s insane. I hate them. Another persistent issue that isn’t as new is replaying social scenarios. I’m a hairstylist so this one is difficult since I meet a bunch of new people every day. I obsess over how I act and if people like me. I will impulsively say things all the time and they will haunt me for weeks. I question even my closest friends and family who show their love. I find myself so angry and numb and like I have so much built up emotion and a busy mind always. While doing my job I spiral really badly if any little thing goes wrong and it’s embarassing. I know there’s more but I can’t think of it now. I just want to feel better and like I’m not constantly battling my mind.

Iloveragnar1!

Date posted: 18w

New to this OCD thing… please help

So I’m new to this app and I knew there was something wrong w/ my brain for a few years now. I’m a professional volleyball player and was playing in France last year while in a long distance relationship. I would ruminate and think that one small thing was going to ruin my career every. Single. Day. And I have the fear that I NEEDED to end warm ups with a good hit or else I would play terribly. I had constant fears that my teammates don’t trust me and think I’m bad - when in reality and looking at the statistics I was one of the best players on the team - the fearful ruminating keeps me awake at night and it would get so bad that I would break into a rash on my neck. Lots of rashes from anxiety and over thinking :( My relationship was new but it was long distance. I never experienced this in my life: my mind became OBSESSED with the idea he might be ugly. I couldn’t stop thinking that he was ugly and feared that that meant I needed to break up with him and I felt like a terrible person constantly and the thought ate me alive - I was constantly googling about it to try and get some relief which I am now learning is seeking reassurance. I also have struggled with some forms of disordered eating for many years but it got so bad in France. I was binge eating a lot. I gained ten pounds in a month. I knew it and I felt it and I became OBSESSED with the idea that I’m so fat and a weak terrible person for not being able to control my binges. My therapist gave me some screener exams. I scored very highly on the anxiety test and the OCD test which blew my mind cuz I’ve never considered OCD in my whole life. I started taking Prozac which honestly I feel like saved my life. It’s been over 6 months since that point now and everything is so much more manageable. I’ve also recently learned that I may have autism as well. My brother has it and dad is convinced he has it but I was never diagnosed. I also learned I may have a bit of ADD as well recently. I’ve known I think differently for some time but this is just overwhelming and validating and confusing and a bit scary. My current obsession is worrying about my future career - I’m obsessed. I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m so afraid of my making a lot of money in the future. I take aptitude tests all the time when I get anxiety or go on Reddit to hear about other people which makes me feel okay for a little but it always comes back. My head is spinning. I just want to enjoy being 24 and having an interesting career and trust that my life will be okay but I’m so convinced that I’m going to suffer immensely if I don’t start pursuing a high paying job immediately. Im a smart girl - graduated from UC Berkeley - have done tons of networking in different industries - I have a financial plan for the future for when I start a normal job - but I cant stop this cyclical torturous thinking that I’m going to be poor and suffer immensely I also learned a few years ago I have an anxious attachment style which I thought I worked through but in my new relationship I have strong feelings for him and I feel the intense fear abandonment coming up and I’m so scared I’m gonna ruin the relationship - I thought maybe I’m just someone who needs a lot of reassurance but if I have OCD maybe that will make it worse? Feeling like I need reassurance to regulate? I just would like some help - have you experienced this? Is this even OCD? Am I making things up for attention? I’m going to bring it up with my therapist.

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