Checking Up

This isn’t the life I envisioned when this started in 2022 for me, sometimes I wish I knew why God would allow such a constant affliction. Everything just feels like it turned up 5 notches since then, everything is so intense all the time! It doesn’t even feel real. I’m so much more sensitive now, I struggle with internalizing things so much now. I can’t tell if I have unforgiveness towards someone or if it’s this dumb thing. In reality, I just want to be free! I just want to thrive and be highly successful, have a great family, a wife and children. Write books, serve others. This thing just interrupts so much and it frustrates me that I can’t control how I want to think, it frustrates me knowing that I experience such afflictions and a thing called “mental health.” I couldn’t even fathom something so disruptive 5 years ago. I wish God would just completely heal me. The mornings and late nights are the absolute worst, I even have episodes in my sleep. My chest tightens up, my forehead feels tense all the time, and it feels like there is no escape, and that I keep running into wall after wall with no way out. Before June 30,2022, I never understood what people would mean when they would say they have anxiety or are depressed. I really do now, life has an odd way of really humbling you and making you hit rock bottom. I’m really doing my best to hang on and continue to overcome, this thing is a thorn in my flesh like Paul talked about in the Bible. I’m young, I’m wise, and very gifted. I can do great things while on earth, I just want to become stable enough to be confident and joyful again; because right now, my brain is on fight or flight but we will persevere!