ROCD or not into it?

In regards to my relationship, this is just what I keep asking. Is it ROCD or am I just not into her? I see some people writing " I Know I love her but my ROCD tries to tell me that I don't", and that seems understandable, but in my case is "Do I love her? shouldn't I know and so I'm just using ROCD as an excuse not to break up so that I won't be alone?". For context I have been diagnosed with OCD here at NOCD, and I do have thoughts like ( I don't feel as attracted, she's gaining weight and this and that, is she the right one for me, will I be happy if I get married, do I want to get married? have kids?, etc) She's a great person, the best! but do I love her? or rather am I in love?, etc

Anonymous

Date posted: 2d

I have had the same worries honestly. But I’m just thinking is this guy my perfect guy or am I settling. Is he too short for me. Is he good enough. It’s so toxic. Because I don’t see myself good enough for him :/. Sorry to hear ur going through that

Anonymous

Date posted: 2d

In the past I've gone thru the "am I settling " too. I think maybe non ROCD people worry less about this maybe and they can handle differently?

Anxiousgirly99

Date posted: 2d

It’s completely normal to think every single one of these things A. In a non-ocd brain relationship and B. An rocd brain relationship :) the difference is the anxiety and the time spent ruminating on the thoughts. Trust me, everything you could possibly have thought about your partner/relationship, atleast one person on here has worried about!

Anonymous

Date posted: 2d

This is the first time I hear this, and understand it. So you are saying we all think it, but with ROCD, we keep thinking it all the time? And non OCD just let it go?

Anxiousgirly99

Date posted: 2d

@Anonymous 100%, the difference between OCD and people who don’t have it is the felt anxiety and the time spent ruminating and engaging in compulsions. People without OCD may think am I settling or do I love my partner as a normal thought process. Our brains are wired to become anxious and panic at these thoughts because we receive them as dangerous or even life threatening.

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

@Anxiousgirly99 - But how come non OCD people just have this thought and then let it go? I mean it comes back up in conversation about their partners and they can easily just say "yes I Love them" so its like they forgot they had those thoughts? Lol sorry trying to understand but kinda get it, thanks..! this does help a lot :)

Anxiousgirly99

Date posted: Yesterday

@Anonymous Well anxious people tend to view these thoughts as dangerous in the first place, especially when you can’t be 100% sure about your relationship. A lot of people without anxiety are okay accepting uncertainty. a lot of us believe we do love our families and our partners but we usually are worried if it is “enough” or “valid” when comparing our feelings to past memories, tv shows, social media and the people around us which makes it harder.

kk1010

Date posted: 2d

So for me I get these thoughts but I'm a very honest person and feel like I have to tell everything... And when my partner asks questions like.. have you had a thought about an ex.. or something I don't want to lie but don't want to hurt them. How do you deal with this. Also all the thoughts you are having I question a lot lately .. I used to not, my rocd would spiral on if he would cheat, now it's questions like this .....however our relationship has been rocky. And infact I've had the thought that maybe subconsciously I wish he would cheat so it would be a way out... I love my partner I do but our situation has been toxic for me. Trying to be healthier and moved separately, but now my mind just repeats all the same thoughts you have.. And I question is it my OCD or is this how I feel now .. To go back to it tho if tlyour partner has gained weight and u find it unnatractive there is a way to say that and be honest and let them try to work on it . Ask the questions to yourself do you see yourself with kids.... And do you see yourself parenting with her . You also don't have to have all the answers today ... You can write how u feel and reflect on it. Or if she is your true partner and knows your OCD .. maybe discuss with her your fears?

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

Thanks. Yes I say it to her in a good way , or include myself like "hey we should start working out and getting fit". And about the kids, yeah she'd be a great mother, but sometimes I feel like "is that gonna take a toll on my life?" I see my friend's life changing , not able to "enjoy their lives" as much, sometimes even complaint, will I be able to enjoy life as much if I have kids? I'm the type of person that likes to go out and be social, go dance, have drinks have a good time, doesn't mean I can't just stay home watching a movie but I feel like it'll interrupt that part.. then the psychologist says to look at my 'values' and go with that.. so are my values of "going out" more important than "family" value? I wanna make her happy and I'd be willing to have kids with her if that's what it takes but it should be wanting to have them, which is different. And yes, she knows about my OCD, I explained her but I guess I took to long to make all these decisions, so we did break up, she says she loves me , but I get where she's coming from I'm giving here some space as the door might have been left a bit open, we'll see. Thank you. PS. I keep hearing what you said "You also don't have to have all the answers today ... " but that's actually what she wants lol. I mean I do get it, we've been going out for 2 years (mind you long distance so to me feels less) but she's 31, we met when she was 29 so yes, kinda need to have the answers like yesterday lol. Ok than you!

kk1010

Date posted: Yesterday

I'm going to use voice to text to type this so if there are some typos please excuse them I want to tell you that the way you are telling her to get fit is probably not the correct way as a woman if our man is feeling less attracted to us because of our weight then we probably need to hear something more direct it does not have to be mean but it could be along the lines of hey baby I think you're beautiful the Way You are however I think you have gotten comfortable in our relationship and started to not worry about physical appearance as much and I would really appreciate if you could work on that it may seem harsh however saying we should lose weight is including both of you so you don't hurt her feelings it also isn't giving her a clear picture that's how you feel. I will also say I am a mom and I too enjoyed going out and partying and living that lifestyle however at a certain point I do feel like you want more out of life eventually you were going to be older and want something more. Having kids does change things but it is so much for the better I do miss going out and doing things and so I feel like there can be a balance in my circumstance I just haven't been able to do that because I don't have assistance with my children as their father is not in the picture and my current boyfriend and I have been going through things and are now living separately and the things that I would want to go do with him I can't right now because I don't have anybody to watch my kids. It is a huge adjustment however if you are in the situation and it happens it does give you a love that I don't think you could ever know any other way. If you would have kids just so she would be happy that is not a good reason to have children and it would be unfair to them as I feel like you would resent them. She is at the age where she does deserve to know how you feel and if you have been together for 2 years and she is that age when it comes to kids she is kind of on a timeline so it's understandable. I hope that each of you are able to find yourselves and take time to truly decide what you really want, if it is her then be mindful that if you take too long you could lose her.

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

I meant that I never say lose weight, I say, hey let's get some workouts to be healthy. And I'm just saying, I had no issues with kids, but as things got more real, maybe it's my OCD that makes me worry if I'm gonba be able to enjoy life still. Maybe that cleared up a little more, thanks😊

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