***extremely triggering for those with hocd/tocd*** .................. My boyfriend told me a true story last night that triggered me so badly that I felt like I was going to pass out. He said that it was about an effeminate gay man from the 50s who despite having a cattle rancher father who was accepting of him, he wasn't able to accept himself. I guess his dad caught him cross dressing and his father said that it was ok and that that's just you and you'll never be able to change it. The dude was like no, I don't want to be this way and tried really had to be really masculine and pretend that he was straight and his dad told him to stop pretending and to just accept who he is. A story like this would have made me happy in the past, but now hocd has me thinking what if I'm just like that guy in the story and I'm not able to accept myself as a lesbian. I started crying and had an internal panic attack and I disassociated. My boyfriend kept asking me what was wrong and if there was anything specific on my mind that I wanted to talk about. I really wanted to tell him about hocd, but I feel like I should wait a few months until after the holidays so that if he doesn't take it well, I don't ruin Christmas for him. I'm so sad because I had a really great time with him the past few days. I'm 100% attracted to him, but my brain keeps saying that that's only because he is sexually relevant and not because I'm straight. I'm heart broken that such a happy story could completely destroy me.

I read an article on NOCD. It was triggering. In article she mentioned having so-ocd. She mentioned so-ocd often gets misunderstood and that she had internalized homophobia. She also mentioned being ill-informed on her values. This has distressed me so much. It’s made me question what if I don’t have so-ocd. I also did an exposure. I was watching a YouTube video called signs I missed growing up that I was a lesbian. In the video she mentioned being infatuated with her friends that were girls. I felt like when I met a new friend I would obsess over them. Then she mentioned being uncomfortable in lockers rooms when they had to change and I remember feeling uncomfortable. She also mentioned having dreams with girls and liking it. Last night I had a dream that I was having sex with my best friend and that I liked it. I am married and have a 6 month old and have a fear of losing my husband.

I’ll cut a long story short… SOCD/ HOCD was one of the first themes I got when I was a teenager. The first one was health but I didn’t know that was OCD at the time. Anyway, I have had SOCD for 11 years. Sometimes it leaves me alone and it feels like I’m my own self again! Don’t get me wrong it lingers but I manage. But… IT IS BACK!!! My head is telling me that I am a lesbian and that I need to just admit it. I hate it. I have a boyfriend who I love unconditionally and this has just sprung out of a dream I had -.- I don’t want to be a lesbian! The groinal responses have always been the worst. It started when I was around 16, I woke up one morning and my brain just said ‘you’re a lesbian’, as you can imagine I freaked out, panic attack and cried. Then, my brain starts looking into my childhood… well it’s had a field day. When I was around 9 my friend showed me girls kissing on YouTube and then I suppose I got addicted to it. I then used to play on Habbo and walk up to girls and say ‘kisses’ etc. my brain is now saying that this is evidence that I’m gay. I DONT WANT TO BE A LESBIAN!!! I have no issues with gay people, I just don’t want to be gay myself. Sometimes, when the thoughts come in I don’t seem to get anxious but I get groinals and that freaks me out! I just want peace. I hate this. I get so many different themes. Now it’s this one and I just want to crawl under my duvet, sleep until they’re gone but then I end up dreaming about it!!!

im having a unusually hard flare up for two months. ive never had it this bad before (ive had this on and off for many years - thank god not constantly.) lately, i keep having these images in my head and scenarios in my head of me "coming out" in the future and ending my relationship with my amazing fiance who i love dearly. he knows everything but i still feel like i am constantly lying to him, my family, and friends. i need to know that this is something the SO-OCD can do to you? the weird thing is, is that i have never been attracted to woman. i do admire their beauty and wish to LOOK like them or have a specific feature they have, but i dont have any urges to like be with them yet i am dealing with this really bad flare up. My brain keeps telling me that since i have never tried it, i would never know, and i am just getting really distressed from it. i just want to be happy again and it seems impossible. I am convinced i am only person that is using SO-OCD as an excuse. Any guidance or advice, or anything really, will help. i just feel alone and scared and sad all the time.