***extremely triggering for those with hocd/tocd*** .................. My boyfriend told me a true story last night that triggered me so badly that I felt like I was going to pass out. He said that it was about an effeminate gay man from the 50s who despite having a cattle rancher father who was accepting of him, he wasn't able to accept himself. I guess his dad caught him cross dressing and his father said that it was ok and that that's just you and you'll never be able to change it. The dude was like no, I don't want to be this way and tried really had to be really masculine and pretend that he was straight and his dad told him to stop pretending and to just accept who he is. A story like this would have made me happy in the past, but now hocd has me thinking what if I'm just like that guy in the story and I'm not able to accept myself as a lesbian. I started crying and had an internal panic attack and I disassociated. My boyfriend kept asking me what was wrong and if there was anything specific on my mind that I wanted to talk about. I really wanted to tell him about hocd, but I feel like I should wait a few months until after the holidays so that if he doesn't take it well, I don't ruin Christmas for him. I'm so sad because I had a really great time with him the past few days. I'm 100% attracted to him, but my brain keeps saying that that's only because he is sexually relevant and not because I'm straight. I'm heart broken that such a happy story could completely destroy me.

You aren't alone, I have TOCD and I went through something very similar when my ex told me that they might be trans

I totally understand how you may feel, but I did tell my boyfriend about what I was feeling. At first I was seeking reassurance, but I just showed him an article about HOCD and he was able to see that it doesn’t mean that you are a lesbian/gay because you’re having those thoughts. It’s definitely helpful not keeping the secret from him. I think the right person will work to understand what’s going on!

I would just simply show him this post you wrote. And if he has any questions just do your best to answer them. Don’t do what I do and suffer in silence, it doesn’t help or work.

I’m so sorry this story was so triggering for you. For what it’s worth: this guy knew who he was, even acted in it occasionally in private (through cross dressing), and actively decided that although he knows it’s who he is and what he wants that he’ll go against it. It wasn’t a question or a matter of not realizing you’re in denial. This was an active knowledge and decision. No panic, no intrusive thoughts, no OCD. This story is a very different story than yours. If you’re seeing an OCD specialist, they may be able to help you tell your boyfriend if that’s the decision that feels right for you. They can also ensure that your boyfriend learns how to correctly respond to your obsessions, so he doesn’t end up feeding them with reassurance.

tbh the guy of the story might have sexual orientation ocd/tocd