how to ask my friend this without sounding weird

he is currently 20 and she is 17

like she would have been 17 in two weeks during her stay

what would be the "wisest" way to ask him that? he's a very good friend of mine, helped me a lot. I hope he didn't have se&ual rapports after he discovered it and put it on hold. Knowing him, being a dumb careless person, maybe he didn't care because he had just turned 20 like a month ago and she would have been 17 in a few weeks during her stay in my country. Maybe I should have advised before. I wouldn't know how to react and what to do if I came to know that he still continued having se&ual rapports after discovering the info. Because they were in love, I don't know how he would have reacted. It's also about my country's culture, is not illegal to have that age gap and law of consent is before her age, so there is not that strictness that comes in USA abt age gaps.

@ivefailed. yeah. still kinda weird, sorry 😕

@ivefailed. I would ask him straight "did you have any se7ual contact with this person during that time?", since it's a very serious topic. so be straightforward and serious. tell him your concerns. for me, it is still weird he continued having the relationship at all, no matter whether he's a good person to you, or not. I'm sorry😕

@ivefailed. and no matter your countries culture, if you feel like it's weird - its weird. I'd have told his gf that's weird as well and advised to better not he in such relationship, idk😕 I'm sorry

@Anonymous i don't approve of that relationship of course, I don't know what to do, should i break off my 10 year friendship with him

@ivefailed. im afraid so, yeah. sometimes it happens that we are disappointed in people we thought we knew. I'm really sorry you gotta do it, but you gotta🫂

@Anonymous whatever he might have done is not out of malice but by ignorance. Does things change if he put on hold any se&ual rapport after he discovered the age gap was too big at the moment?

@Anonymous that's the thing, in my country is not considered weird. like 2 years is completely normal, 3 years is when it starts to become an age gap, even then not considered that deep my many, but above that is weird obviously i do not agree for me 2 years age gap is weird enough, i do not conform with this mentality nor i justify it, it's just the way things are here. So I can see my friend being simply stupid not thinking that it was a big deal. I really hope he didn't do anything se&ual once he discovered that on paper it would look wrong, and waited.

@ivefailed. who knows his intentions? I mean, for me, no. I'd still stop being friends with him and think it is weird, cuz who keeps such relationship? it doesn't matter whether the had se7 or not, the relationships is still wrong by it's own.

@ivefailed. I mean, is it truly stupidity, or did he simply not care enough? maybe he realised what he was doing. like why do we understand such relationship is wrong, and he doesn't? something is wrong with him. he should have ended the relationship, period. if he continued any se7ual things, it's even worse.

@Anonymous because of 17 and 20? Wouldn't be a better thing to do to make him realise that it's wrong and make him break up and move on from then? And forgive him after that?

@ivefailed. like I think that he's at fault, since you, despite your culture in your country, understand that's weird, right? we understand it's weird too. so why doesn't he, yk? he should have ended the relationship.

@ivefailed. yes, because of 17 and 20. it's weird. If I were you, I'd stop beign friends with him and tell him how wrong what he did was. I wouldn't be able to forgive idk

@Anonymous i don't think you quite understood, 3 years in my country is considered the norm, I do not agree with it and I condone it, but context matters. I know my friend's intentions because I know him since childhood and he's not that type of guy with creepy intentions, consider also that they live in separate countries. She came here once and he discovered that she was lying abt the age much later. I don't even know if they're still together.

@ivefailed. and yes, of course, please make him understand that what he's doing is wrong on so many levels, and pls insure the 17 years old is safe:(

@ivefailed. idk. like why doesnt he see it as weird like you do then? whats so dofferent between you two? you are both from the same country. the fact they have a long distance relationship doesnt make it any better 🤷🏻‍♀️ maybe your brain is trying to reassure you that everything isnt that bad when it is in fact that bad, cuz you are holding for the feiendship. I'm sure hope they aren't together..

@Anonymous it's not that simple, understand that i'm the odd one in my country, most people do not think like me simply because they grew that way. I adopted this scrutiny for age because of my moral scrupolosity OCD, because I have POCD, and also was because I speak english and was able to gain morals from foreign countries. That's the difference between me and him.

@ivefailed. I think you should talk to him, ask him what you wanted to, explain how what he did was really wrong, insure the minors safety and talk to her about how what she did was really wrong and she put herself in danger. maybe ask him to seek professional help (since you can't report it to the police as far as i understood, but if you can, id advice you do that), cuz it's not okay. I'm really sorry this is all happening, but be firm and think rationally, despite him beign your friend.

@Anonymous the girl is safe. i don't think you understand that he was not taking advantage of her in any way. she pursuited the relationship and lied to him the whole time. What comes after is iffy on how he reacted. I would have blocked her immediately. But he's not some kind of danger or creep. I think you're imagining some type of archetype of abuser, he isn't. He's simply retarted, I will try to make him undertand, if he doesn't i will end the friendship.

@ivefailed. I get you, but still. teach him the right way. idk, I don't think any normal person would do that, despite what their traditions or normals are...

@ivefailed. I don't know. him talking to a 17 years old? sounds creepy enough to me🤷🏻‍♀️

@Anonymous i think you're exaggerating, maybe it's my fault for the way I expressed myself. When they had a relationship he didn't know she lied to him. It's not like he seeked someone younger on purpose. also i do not have that type of relationship with the girl. I'll do what I can do to make him understand, but you're telling me to literally arrest him?

@ivefailed. I mean, I would talk to him and tell him everything i think about it, cuz I'd be really angry, but end the friendship no matter what.

@Anonymous yeah i guess is a bit creepy if you put it that way. but it's complex because they were seeing each other for an year (distant relationship) and he was lied the whole time.

@ivefailed. for what I understood, you told me that there's a chance of him continuing to being in a relationship with a 17 years old. and that's weird, whether he seeked for it or not. that's why I'm reacting the way I'm reacting. I'm a minor myself, I just want less creeps in this world, I'm sorry i don't have any empathy for your friend, since if he's a weirdo, he deserves to be arrested.

@Anonymous i feel like there is a line between someone creepingly seeking someone young and having a whole ass year of relationship where you were lied to and catched feelings and not know exactly what to do, considering also the context that 3 years is not a big deal by majority of people. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt because i know he didn't have malicious intentions, just very very stupid. I don't know if that makes me a bad person. I just want to talk with him to figure out what to do.

@Anonymous i understand, i view it the same way. sucks that it had to me my best friend.

@Anonymous i wasn't attacking you sorry if i came across that way, i wasn't asking for empathy, I'm just in a situation that i shouldn't be in in the first place, also I didn't know you were a minor, hence I don't feel comfortable continuing this conversation anymore. I thought i was having a conversation with a peer, so that's why I went in detail. But I will keep in great consideration what you told me and see what to do by myself. I hope you have a good day and keep holding people accountable.

@ivefailed. I don't know.. like.. if I were him, I'd immediately lose those feelings and be grossed out.. both by her and by myself. what I'm trying to say, is that why isn't it weird for him? that's the root of the problem. why doesn't he understand it from the beginning? why is this gap normalized? you can't know what intentions he had😕 I'm sorry, but this talk triggers my ocd (im starting to get worried that i cant keep everyone safe and due to something i did someone will get hurt), and idk whether i can continue doing it. I'd stop the friendship and insure he _at least_ gets therapy help, if you don't want the police. Id also talk to this girl, or at leats her parents, to ensure she won't put herself in danger anymore. I just want everyone to be safe. I've advised you and tried telling my opinion, but I can't talk about this topic anymore, since I'm getting too anxious, I'm sorry.

@ivefailed. Ofc! I understand. It's okay, I'm sorry too. Have a great day!

@Anonymous also if i made you uncomfortable in any type of way during this conversation I apologise, I thought I was talking with an adult. I will stop at this comment because I feel like this is ocd making me speak.

@Anonymous i've seen now this reply that I triggered you, I apologise deeply for it and I feel very bad. I'll just say that I've been in your place before: i felt that if bad things were happening and i knew abt it, even if outside of my control, it was my fault. It isn't, it's an inflated sense of responsibility because of OCD. We do what we can do, and if we can't sometimes it's not our fault. I'll just say that you can let this one go, it's my responsibility, i'll deal with it. If it makes you somehow feel better the parents know about it and are fine with it, actually they were the one that invited him in a trip before, so at least the parents are not in the obscure and the girl is under tutelage by them. I'll do what I can. Take care and don't worry, you can let this one go! I'll deal with it! Also I think I'm going to block you, not because you did something bad but because you mustn't see my posts, they're and will be very triggering. And that's the worst thing someone could do passively. I hope you understand.

@ivefailed. It's okay, of course! It's not your fault i was triggered, just my OCD's. Thank you for those words!

not illegal in our country

@ivefailed. for me 17-20 is very iffy, but it would be less triggering to me to maintain a frendship if he didn't keep having se&ual relationship when he discovered she was 16 (almost 17), and only later (which is an information i do not possess currently)

@ivefailed. - If he did not break the law I don’t see any reason to report about him or break your relationship. It could be weird and something you don’t accept and you can talk about that with him. :)