Rant I guess 20+ only

I just feel like I can't do that because I'm not each to date and I don't know what ready looks like she from no longer watching account comment. I just don't see how I can keep that in my life and then date someone at the same time. Not to mention all of the shame that kept me up at next about this because it's just too much to bear and I and know how to move on from it completely. There are moments where I really really want to ask get out but I just can't because I feel like she's year way too good for me and I'm not confident that I can be with her. I the she's better than I am and is she knew about the things I've told you she would pretty much hate me and me not confessing that is somehow bad.

@BigGyro09 some people don’t mind their partner watching that content especially if they’re struggling with it and trying to get better but again it depends on the person. you don’t have to be perfect to be in a relationship and relationships are meant to make both people learn, grow and better themselves. that’s probably a conversation lots of people have in their relationship and i think if you’re upfront about it then it’s okay. like any other addiction, i think someone should support their partner through it and help them get “clean” however they can. but don’t let it and the shame with it keep you from experiencing things that you truly want :(( i highly doubt that this person would hate you if you told them about the things you struggle with, especially if they’re a friend. ocd likes to catastrophize things but the “worst case scenario” is almost never as bad as you think it’ll be in reality. you also definitely don’t need to confess everything about your past use of adult content to a partner, i think most people probably wouldn’t think it was that big of a deal. even if you don’t fully ask them out or ask them to be in a relationship just yet, you could always tell them how you feel if you’re ready to do that but you’ll never know until you try. just from talking to you, i think you’re really really sweet and super interesting and i don’t see why you wouldn’t be “good enough” for anyone!

@worryywart Yeah. I myself have said that. Some people mind it, some don't. But if I were on the receiving end, I would mind, but I would also understand if the person is trying to quit. It would take a lot of work to do so. I know I don't have to be perfect but I also know I can't just go into one being a complete wreck and not being free of this. I'm also just so sick of thinking of the same traumatic things I've seen over and over again because I have no control over this one thing. I'm just really disgusted with putting real people into the equation with generated videos, animations, and in general. I'm just really tired of going though this same song and dance. I don't want to bring my problems into her life just because I like her, it just doesn't feel fair. I'm just really tired of thinking about it. I always tell myself I don't want to watch it but I do anyway and sometimes I feel like I lose control of what I'm watching and then I watch things I know I would hate morally but still watch, but I'm never ever crossing the line of things with minors. That's disgusting. I just hate what this has turned me into. I absolutely hate it and I don't want it anymore. This thing rudely came into my life and has never left. I just can't get rid of the shame of the things I've seen. I can't push it aside. This may just be an OCD flare up but it still doesn't change how messed up the things I've watched are. It's depictions of human beings that are popular in the world and are put in these scenarios they didn't ask to be in. Even if it is official, they aren't inherently sexual which isn't much better. I just hate this part of my life

@BigGyro09 i get where you’re coming from, i feel like i have alot to work on with myself but i’m also tired of being alone and watching everyone around me find love. you’re not a complete wreck though, you’re just someone struggling with something that’s affected you for years now. it’s not fair to you to blame yourself for that. it’s something you know you don’t enjoy but it unfortunately had a lot of control in your life. you’re already taking a lot of responsibility and taking major steps by trying to get help through therapy. some people never even do that either because they can’t or don’t want to. but to me it means that you have the maturity and emotional intelligence to know when there’s an issue that needs to be addressed rather than just letting it get worse. and the fact that you’re apprehensive about getting into a relationship and thinking about how the other person feels is indicative of the same thing. that’s enough for me to think you’re already on the right track to being in a relationship if/when you want one. i know how guilty you feel, i feel fucked about about the same stuff i’ve told you before. this is also a classic ocd flare up for me as well when i feel like something good might be coming, and then ocd reminds me of every bad thing i’ve done and i retract into my shell again. you’re not alone and it doesn’t define you, you can acknowledge the content is wrong but it doesn’t make *you* yourself wrong or bad in any way. the main thing is that you know you don’t really enjoy it and feel some shame behind it, so you’re not immoral and doing it because you want to invade someone’s privacy or anything. you don’t have any malicious intent behind it. i wish this wasn’t bothering you so much :(((

@worryywart I don't have any other person that I blame or any outside influence so I just blame myself mindlessly I just find it impossible not to feel a lot of shame about it because this falls into the category of non consentual content according to search results when I'm constantly searching for answers about this. I get all kinds but I also get answers saying that this is ethically awful and I feel a lot of shame for making an ethically wrong choice about seeing photoshops or ai videos about celebrities. So much of this stuff is just available on rather easy to find websites and popular sites are advertising this non-stop. I'm constantly seeing that this is illegal yet there's such a push for it in advertisements and there are so many sites making money off this. I would never pay for something like this because I think it would just destroy me even more than it already has mentally. I just don't want to deal with anyone related to porn anymore. It's disgusting and it's just stealing all of the chances I have for real connections with other people. Today I just stayed busy with music, and it did help. I'm just so sick and tired of this. I really am. I complain again and again about this but I still find going back to it.

@worryywart I know how you feel when talking about going back into your shell of just feeling really bad about yourself because of flare ups. This is why I don't have the confidence to do things like relationships. Because I'm always feeling terrible about myself one way or another ass if I don't deserve those things because of the things I did here. I've done this kind of bad stuff in the past and I'm still doing it now.

@BigGyro09 awwh you deserve a hug rn, please don’t be too hard on yourself or place all the blame on you. you were so young when you first came across this and you’re still young now, if anybody would be at fault it’d be the industry itself for sucking people into it this way. my only real advice would be to stop searching about the ethical/legal aspect of it because it’ll only make it fester in your mind more if you keep feeding it. i’ve spent hours searching things like this and it never ends up helping unfortunately, you’ll always feel the urge to go back and search more because no answer will be satisfactory. you can acknowledge that something you’ve done goes against your morals but you can’t let it rule your life like this. also you’re right this sort of stuff is absolutely advertised and normalized a whole lot, it started with the deepfakes and things like that. so much of it is out there and ai is also really normalized as well. you’re not disgusting at all either or undeserving of a connection or love because of this. there’s genuinely sooo many people that struggle with this. it’s totally normal to have desires and watching sexual content is pretty common i’d think at this point, but if it’s causing you this much shame then trying to cut it out of your life as much as possible is good. it just takes some time and you’re doing so good already, don’t let this get you down too much. i’m glad you could find something to keep your mind at least a little occupied <33 idk what kind of music you’re into but i have plenty of recommendations for music that i like to listen to when i’m feeling really down. also if it helps, think of this like a depressive cycle, where you can kind of notice when you’re getting in a rut again. you’re fighting it and that’s all you can do, and it gets easier with time. sometimes you get down again and have a slip up or relapse, but it doesn’t mean you can’t get back up and try again, as corny as that sounds. be a little more patient with yourself🫂🫂

@worryywart I along with many other people, probably including yourself, were exposed very young. Just really wish it I had someone tell me the dangers of this and keep me protected from it when I was very young. I just didn't. I don't know why I didn't but I didn't. I guess the only way to keep doing that is to just be off my phone for the majority of my days. That's the one trigger that brings me back. That and just being alone for too long. I've searched for those things again and again and it hasn't helped. There are celebrities that I absolutely love as people that I've unfortunately sexualized and just objectified in the past when I was younger and now even. I really don't think I enjoyed seeing those things deep down but I still looked at it anyway and I don't know why. I feel like this whole thing just hijacks my brain and I get these false feelings of wanting to see these things when I don't really want to. I understand all of that yet at the same time I don't. I just don't want any of it in my life because of the shame it gives me. I hate dealing with it and I hate trying to prove to myself that I shouldn't feel this shame. I know I shouldn't, but sitting through those feelings every single time is just not helpful. What also isn't helpful is feeling my mind being completely repaired and changing after the graphic things that I've seen. It's just not worth it anymore. Under the little to know sex education I've received when I was younger, I still picture a future where I can explore these feelings in a healthy way and that's just with a person that I love and care about and no other way. I don't know if that's the right or wrong way, but that's the route that gives me the least amount of shame. I've never made any of these things and shared them online as an adult, only saw them. Making and sharing them is a whole other level of unethical because people are publicly showing those things and some are even making money off of it. I see arguments saying if they are disclosed as not really that person and are fake it's okay, but I don't know what I believe anymore. I just want nothing to deal with anymore. I was actually making a song that I got an idea from a retro game. I really liked how it came out. It's like when producers use a piece of a song from a video game or other media and turn it into something else. I really like to do that. Aside from that, I mainly like R&B or instrumental music. No specific genre. If it clicks for me then I like it. There are some days where it's really hard to give myself grace and some days are easier. Thanks for all of your words. I feel better than I did when I woke up this morning.