Heart aching for friendship

Does anyone feel like they don’t have any friends or like they’re not really able to let their guard down and be themselves with anyone? I feel like I have an obsession with not having real strong relationships, like I’m broken. Not only because I see other people having so much connection with friends and family, but also comparing my current self to a past self that didn’t seem to struggle with this. At least until I got hurt or my trust was broken and then I closed off; but that happens to everyone, so then I just judge myself for being too sensitive, too self-involved and taking things too personally, so much so that it’s ruined my relationships and any chance at real authentic friendships or partnerships. I used to want to create shows and art with people because that’s how I felt most vulnerable and able to really connect authentically, but then I didn’t do it, and now I regret it because it feels like it’s too late. Mostly just venting, but I am really curious if other folks feel totally alone/isolated and like they don’t have anyone that really knows them or that they full trust. I really just want a good friend again.

morg0624

Date posted: 2d

I feel everything you are describing. Especially with the holidays coming up. It’s something I’ve been struggling with for weeks. You’re not alone in this🩶

Hobbit

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 19h

Oh wow, yes, this is something I’ve struggled with, almost exactly how you describe (and I’m a theater / art person too!) Some things that have helped me: Working with my therapist. She was able to call out thought patterns for me (OCD & non-OCD related) and advise me on actions to take to help without falling into an OCD cycle. Noticing comparison. When these thoughts are loudest for me, I’m often comparing myself to others or to my past self. But these comparisons aren’t fair. I don’t know what others are truly experiencing (I can’t mind read) and I tend to remember my past self with rose-colored glasses (“everything was better then” but was it really?) Noticing self-criticism & deploying self-compassion. When I’m in these thought spirals, I find I get VERY self-critical. It’s helped me to notice these thoughts (even write them down) and then activate self compassion (I recommend Kimberly Quinlan’s workbook and podcast for ideas of what S.C. can look like). NOTE: the goal is not to get rid of feelings or thoughts, but to be gentle with myself while I experience the thoughts. Noticing distorted thoughts. This is more of a CBT tool, but I’ve found it helpful to notice when my thoughts are distorting reality with little to no evidence (ex: assuming someone doesn’t like me, this will never change, etc). This helps me identify thought patterns and then decide intentionally how I want to respond (rather than getting caught in an obsession spiral). Connecting with others. For me, community and friends are important (note: this isn’t true for everyone). I work from home and have little work community, so I have to find ways to connect with people outside of work. Ex: meet up with a friend for coffee, take a class at a local community center, volunteer, go to a local library or coffee shop just to be around people. Doing these things were scary at first, but now I’ve built routines so that it’s easier to do and less daunting. I’ve even started to reconnect with my theater friends. All of these things I did under the guidance of my therapist. A big part is to make sure I’m not trying to negate or avoid thoughts/feelings (which for me, quickly leads to the OCD cycle). Hope something in there helps. Happy to clarify anything that doesn’t make sense. I definitely recommend chatting with your therapist abt what might help. ❤️

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