Hey, my name is Angel Contreras
I am sorry to hear this. You must be exhausted, tired, even in seeing this message, hoping it may bring you some relief, hoping the next bit of energy your brain has to use and process will be the bit of information that will bring you full relief.
This is not that. What this is, is words from someone else. I've been called "cunty", "bitchy", all because of the way I expressed my needs as a child.
Your thoughts. They must be disorienting. So many thoughts, flying back and forth, so much zipping past you, like they're neverending, and you can't get to all of them. You must crave control.
The cycle is the reenforcement.
The root of the cycle, is OCD. Your OCD will do everything in it's power to get you to listen to it. Above all, it wants to be heard. This is where we must give up control. The amorphous concept of OCD, to me a crow that lands on my shoulder when it wants, as I watch the leaves (representative of my thoughts), fallen from my tree of life up the river, flow down the river, the crow will land on my shoulder and judge the leaves, talk about how gross the leaves are, meanwhile I see the beauty in the existence of the leaves. The crow squawks, "That leaf is ugly! Get rid of it now! Now! Now!". You care about how the crow feels about you, and you start to think of how that leaf could never have come from your tree of life. You tell yourself, and the crow, stories, and the crow keeps insisting, "It came from you!!", but what the crow doesn't realize is that the you it's talking to, is connected to the outside world by 3 main mechanisms.
1. Understanding of Rational vs. Obsessive Doubt.
You're capable of making rational decisions. You're a human being with a brain. Where your brain can get mixed up, is when it can't decide if to listen to the crow, or to listen to the you getting emotional over the crow's cries.
Rational doubt, is when you are able to make rational decisions based on your senses, and understanding of possibility vs probability.
2. OCD attacks you by making irrelevant associations.
Understanding that OCD, in my case, is a crow, for you, it can be whatever you want. The cognitive structures of your brain are made for poetic interception. The crow, for me, is abstract, not necessarily a real crow, but one that puts my cognitive framework through a microscope for me to understand with my rational brain.
3. You can not accurately determine the outcomes of two "similar" situation through the perceived similarities, because the contextual differences of the two situation are too vast to quantify, and outdoes the similarities you perceive. This is to say, irrelevant associations are a big sign that, the crow is squawking.
If you have gotten this far, maybe some of this resonated with you. Know there are others that, like you, are subject to the crow's squawks. Everyone reacts differently to the crow. Love yourself enough to understand your own reaction to it.
Peace.
