40, Male, OCD/ROCD related to retirement

Short version: has anyone here overcome OCD associated with having enough saved for retirement? I’m a frugal, well paid, healthy male with a long term partner (she’s 34, 7 years together) who I get along well with. We are a great match for the most part. Always have been, we feel loved and are supportive of each other. However, my partner is still in debt to the IRS (2 years worth of taxes) and more CC debt, and we aren’t married because I refuse to take on her debt. I pay for almost everything in our relationship, except her rent (she owes me about 11K when she was jobless last year and pays late almost every month ). This is the first year we’ve both had jobs with benefits — previously, we were both getting laid off or working short contracts the past 6 years, over and over, even after moving to a city where we have more opportunities). I’ve been diagnosed with OCD due to my rumination and the urgency I attach to problems and dissatisfaction consistently. Despite our great love life, I spend every moment of the day obsessing over how she is the reason my retirement savings aren’t as much as they should be. I have about 2/3 saved of what I’ll need, which I’m incredibly grateful for, but she has nothing. I’m frustrated that I’m with someone who isn’t making the same financial sacrifices I made in the past and still make today (in order to save up money even though I pay for almost everything in our relationship ). ERP is helping a bit, but me and my therapist both acknowledge that sometimes it feels like I’m gaslighting myself because this is a real issue— me and my partner will CERTAINLY need more money in retirement than we (I) have now. It’s frustrating because I also do most the chores, cook the meals, I have better hygiene habits, I set more goals, and I’ve left behind many of my past hobbies and activities just so I can keep us afloat, and I’m just more thorough overall. On top of this, I’m finally getting over the OCD I had for years about not owning a home yet. My first big relationship in my 20s swindled me out of about $20K+ and my second big relationship in my 30s was someone I treated like a goddess (and I got nothing in return), so this feels like the 3rd time I’ve spent loads of money on someone who isn’t giving their best every day… I feel like I could have honored my own values instead and been better off (albeit lonely/single). I’ve accepted I likely can’t buy a house ever (because even with enough saved for down payment, it would be even more money to spend monthly since I pay for almost everything as outlined above). The two times I could have, I ended up having to buy a gently used car to replace an old car. I consistently feel like even though this partner is a better match than any other prior, in almost every way, even though we still don’t align on finances and how to spend our time (I spend time accomplishing things and she watches TV while scrolling her phone). No matter how many sweet things she does or says, in my mind it doesn’t matter because she isn’t pulling her weight with the basics (money, chores, cleanliness, etc). I am struggling to know if I should leave or stay. It’s been crystal clear from the start how much we love each other, and I don’t want to throw that away but, even our relationship therapist hasn’t offered any solid input (they think we are “great!”… and it seems that way until finances are discussed). My NOCD therapist is great, and also has a family/relationship therapy background, so I’m hoping we can start to address this beyond ERP practice. I wish I could just say “get your debt paid off quicker by cutting back on certain expenses and pay me rent on time. And if not, at least take better care of the house and yourself”…. But I can’t say that. I am an earnest, loving person, and I’m at a loss how to have this conversation because all ERP is doing is showing me how to squelch the noise and the thoughts…. But the financial problems remain. Any input or help is appreciated. PS, I work in finance, so please spare me money tips.

bookishandi

Date posted: 22h

I can’t give you an answer, because no one can know for sure. And it does sound like OCD and real concerns are getting mixed up. So I want to ask you something to try to cut through the “Am I obsessing about the relationship, or am I truly concerned”: even if she never changes her habits, and this point of conflict remains for the rest of your life, do you still want to continue the relationship?

ERRORSMITH

Date posted: 16h

Correct, the OCD is latching onto these concerns. To answer your question, I want these habits (and lack of habits re: financial responsibility etc.) of hers to change for the better — but I don’t want to be in the relationship if they don’t change. I DO want the relationship though because we really are a good match aside from these issues (that I swore I’d never support/enable again with future relationships). That’s why it’s frustrating: she’s perfectly capable of improving in some/many/all of these areas, yet anytime I bring them up (whether peaceful or irritated) she simply thinks I’m being critical. That’s why I’m in the throws of ROCD: because ERP helps me obsess less over my dissatisfaction, however it doesn’t reconcile the core issues of her irresponsibility.

Anonymous He...

Date posted: 11h

There are two main topics here: a) a history of relationship challenges that are similar in nature b) ROCD amplifying distress and urgency around those challenges. Starting with a) Across your relationships, a clear pattern emerges. You consistently take on the role of the giver and stabilizer while partners under contribute financially or practically. Love and connection are present, but responsibility and follow through are uneven. An important question to ask is whether you are working on changing this pattern. Leaving or staying is not the real issue, because without addressing it, you may end up in another similar relationship. It is worth wondering whether you grew up taking care of other people’s needs, and whether this is what love came to look like for you. My suggestion is not to focus on fixing the relationship, but to work on how you show up in relationships. As you change, your relationships will change as well.

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