Really want to cry 20+

What's EDMR therapy? Never heard of it. I don't really know how to process my emotions other than depressed. I willingly chose to see these certain things like extreme content and things that can be argued as non consentual like things involving celebrities depicted in scenarios but there are many other things that I didn't want to see and it's piling up in my mind and it's really fucking me up. I've been in therapy for this and while I don't think it's helping right now, I'm still trying. Therapy has helped for other things.

@BigGyro09 It’s a way to process trauma with a specialist through desensitization by reprocessing suppressed memories and often uses bilateral stimulation such as eye movements, tapping, sounds to reduce the emotional impact. There’s already OCD specialists here in NOCD that also treat PTSD. It has a 84-90% success rate. What your doing is working on the OCD which is good, but your suppressing the PTSD which worsens overtime. If you meet he criteria for both conditions, both need to be treated, because the unresolved trauma reinforces the OCD pattern. Also you won’t be able to perform ERP if the trauma isn’t treated, because that in itself can serve as a trigger.

I was only able to tear up at most. I'm trying not to throw judgement at anything, just trying to see how I can beat this habit. Cold turkey doesn't work, but shifting a habit with another does. Something else that I've realized is that the idea of adult content is more stronger than actually watching it. I just feel kind of numb watching it. Thanks.

@BigGyro09 i feel the same way. idk why but i just end up feeling worse & more gross than before after using this stuff as an escape. wish i could just experience this all normally like any other adult but shifting to another habit does help. it gets better tho i hope

@worryywart Yep, me too. When using though, I try not to feel that way and try my best to just feel normal about it and not shame myself badly.

@BigGyro09 that’s good, you shouldn’t feel too ashamed. it’s not unnatural or bad or anything if it’s just normal use. i guess when it’s interfering with your life and not actually enjoyable it’s an issue, i’m still trying to figure all of that out

@worryywart Yeah, but it kind of is "enjoyable"? I don't know what that means anymore because it's a coping mechanism so for something to be a coping mechanism it at the very least needs to alleviate negative feelings. It's not that it doesn't do this but the shame after just makes everything come crashing down and just worse. I'm still trying to figure it out just like you. There's days where I want to accept it's someone in my life but most days I just can't.

@BigGyro09 yeah i get what you mean, i guess in the moment it feels enjoyable but then after it just feels bad. i think there’s a term for it but idk if i can even say it on here lmao. maybe trying to separate the act of viewing that content from yourself, like it’s just an action and doesn’t really mean anything outside of the context of trying to feel something, might help.

@worryywart Yeah, I think that's what it is at the end of the day. If it's not an escape, it's a way to just find some kind of love that's not really there at the moment. It's only a dependancy for me because I've had this since I was very young. I just felt this sense of belonging with a partner while watching certain things the last time I did. It just reminded me of the person I have feelings for.

@BigGyro09 yeah for me it’s just the idea of it i guess. i’d rather just experience it in real life naturally so i’m trying to build up the confidence to do that and feel comfortable. idk maybe it’ll be a long journey there but i’m sure it’ll happen eventually for the both of us

@worryywart Yeah I don't doubt that it will happen for us, but it's just really really hard to believe. It's hard to build up that confidence because of the things I remember. I'm currently having a flare up because of a model that I've seen that was very attractive but I don't know her age. She looks like an adult and sounds and acts like one but I just won't know. I got an ai saying she was 22 as of this year but then I see she's made posts since 2020 and that means she would have been a minor but I don't know is that's true and it's ai just misinforming things.

@BigGyro09 I'm not going to keep searching about it though because it won't help me.

@BigGyro09 oh it’s for sure hard to believe, i mentioned it a bit in my last post but it’s especially hard since every person i’ve liked in highschool, college, in person or online hasn’t been interested in me in the slightest. i truly don’t know what i’m doing wrong but i’m thinking about just letting it go at this rate. also yeah it doesn’t help to look that stuff up, i do the same when i see an actor or actress that i find attractive and feel the need to check their age or how old they were in a specific movie. idk what model you’re talking about but i’m sure it’s not as bad as your ocd is making it out to be. those ai overview things suck anyways and are wrong a lot of the times as well, i was just use searching stuff about bdd and it confused me more than i was before.

@worryywart It's not you. Please don't blame yourself for that at all. It's brave of you to show that you were interested in those people. I know rejection hurts, but it doesn't say anything bad about you on a personal level. I know that you'll find someone someday when you're ready. Sometimes I feel like it's the same way for me because I haven't been asked out or compliments in like a decade. It only happened once with a girl in high school and I never saw her again. Most of the time, I find that I rely on those ai overview results but in this case, I couldn't because there's just no information on the person but I'm just going to assume she's an adult because she was on several adult site services.

@BigGyro09 oops meant to reply to your comment😭 i think it still posted tho

Yeah, it's something I really want to experience as well, but I just don't know how right now. It's really hard. Especially when it feels like nearly everyone around you is with someone. In my kind I can't help but think it's a sign of living a better life that's held together, even though I know that's not the case and being with someone doesn't manage erase all of your problems. You're not ugly. You're a very kind person and I'm sure everyone who is close in your life has been grateful to have you with them. :) I think in moments like these, you just have to take a step back and list several ways to be kind to yourself because you do deserve it. Being shy around someone you like is the most normal thing I can think of with people! You really want to let them know you like them because that's you being extremely vulnerable and honest. It takes a lot to do that for so many of us :) And yeah, I'm just gonna forget about it and listen to music and watch videos like I have been doing.

@BigGyro09 you definitely have time, i like to remind myself that as well. my parents didn’t get together until they were well into their 20s although they’d known each other for years. it’ll happen when it happens, i guess, i just feel like i have to work for it or something or that any chance is my only one. thank you, i don’t always feel like i’m a kind person but i’m trying. it’s hard to translate that to my looks but i think i just have to put less emphasis on my appearance even though it’s hard. maybe i’ll try to make a list of things i like about myself and see if that helps. i have to work on my confidence a lot, i’m naturally introverted so i tend to shy away a lot. looking back i should’ve just been more open and it might’ve been easier for me. maybe some of them felt the same but ill never know cuz i didn’t tell them how i felt. i did the same thing last night, listening to a lot of music to try and calm my nerves. i’m pretty sure i sent that playlist in a comment but idk if it went through lmao. i’m just gonna watch a movie and try to chill for the day. i hope you’re able to relax today too :))

@worryywart We both have the time since we're in our 20s! I often see from others that this is where your life ultimately starts. That sounds like OCD talking and not you. It's interesting how people struggling with OCD can be so quick to be there for other struggling with it, but not so much for themselves. It's a very confusing disorder in that way. I know it's really hard to follow this, but comparisons and what other people say about the way you look don't matter in the long run. I know it feels like it could, but the people that really do care about you and your well being wouldn't bat an eye over it. I would also factor in that they'd think you are an attractive person not just by how you look but your personality :). They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder for a reason. But unfortunately I think what hurts the self image of people are unrealistic expectations printed into social media, which isn't actually real 100% real even if it may seem like it is. I'm also a huge introvert. It's just how we are and we shouldn't try to change that so much. We should embrace it! Introverts can also hold great conversations and open up about things just like extroverts do. We have our moments! I think I'll be able to relax for the day as well. I don't feel as much shame as I did earlier or last night so it's a better start.

@BigGyro09 yeah i forget it’s really just the beginning of my life. i definitely need to give myself the same grace and support that i do others. that’s something i’ve noticed everyone in this app does. i hope you’re right about that, i’m sure there’s someone out there for me. i know my friends see the good in me so at least i have that. i just have to get over the things people have told me about my looks before. social media for sure makes it worse, i tend to forget that i don’t look like the girls on instagram because most of them don’t look like that every day and that’s okay. same thing for people who show off their relationships on social media. another thing we have in common lol that’s funny. and yeah i need to embrace my introversion more and just be comfortable with that. i know i have plenty of love and things to offer so i’m hoping i can focus on my personality instead. i hope you have a good rest of your day & if u need anything i’m here :)

@DaletheWhale Confession truly helps with self blame

@DaletheWhale Please stop using religious ideas to cope with trauma and OCD spikes. Scrupulosity feeds the anxiety.

@DaletheWhale hey so this isn’t okay, not everyone is religious

@DaletheWhale please don’t bring religion into this especially when it can be a triggering topic