Well I did get to cry only a small bit. 20+ only

Do you think you read what you read to just get away from those negative feelings and intrusive thoughts? I can completely understand that. That's what brings me back to watching the videos. I feel like there's no other way to really cope outside of that when it gets really bad. When it's not so bad, I'm able to do the things I usually enjoy.

@BigGyro09 it’s exactly the same way for me, sometimes even when i’m just bored and don’t wanna focus on everything in my brain. it’s an escapism think i guess. just to focus on anything else and this is the only way that i know how to feel “good” and imagining that i’m not alone but it really only exasperates the feeling. and it doesn’t require any actual effort like some of my hobbies that i just don’t have the energy for when i’m depressed like this.

@worryywart It's 100% just a form to escape, which I don't think would be so bad if it didn't cause so much of this shame. I just hate the shame aspect of it so much. I also hate finding really disturbing things through compulsive use but when it isn't that it's not that bad I guess. But the shame is still so overwhelming and unbelievably hard to deal with. Sometimes it gets so bad I try to just stop altogether for a few days but that makes it worse.

@BigGyro09 quitting cold turkey almost never works in my experience, ik some people can do it but it’s never really worked for me. just slowly trying to ease off of it and introducing other things usually helps and trying to find the energy to do other things. and i get what you mean about seeing disturbing things without wanting to, i saw something posted online that triggered me really bad even though it was just written. that’s what kind of made my spiral last night worse

@worryywart I'm really sorry you had that spiral last night 😞 that's the kind of stuff that makes me pretty much spiral as well. I'm just trying to forgive myself and not think about it too much. Ever since, I haven't looked for those kind of things again and I hope I never ever do again. It wasn't helpful for me mentally and I feel terrible for it.

@BigGyro09 the fact that you feel bad about it and never want to see those things again means you’re not a bad person at all. you deserve to forgive yourself :)

@worryywart My therapist told me the same thing today. I'm trying to really follow that because it showed I had empathy for what was going on and I didn't want to do it again. Not everybody has that and there are people that don't care. I clearly show signs that I do care and that it bothered me. I'm just gonna try and use that and combine it with compassion at the end of the day. Even if I get thoughts or feelings saying I don't deserve that.

@BigGyro09 exactly! you obviously have strong morals and empathy for other people, and ocd always attacks what we care about and value the most. i try to to remind myself of that when i’m feeling especially bad. and the worries about not deserving compassion are all just more shame on top of it, it’s hard to ignore but that’s all you can really do. i’ve been trying to do the whole radical self compassion/acceptance thing, it’s hard but i like to think of it as a “fake it til you make it” type of thing.

Do you have advice on how you were able to stop?

@BigGyro09 Be busy more with your day, make sure you have tasks ready for when you are alone, you can pick up hobbies, I used gaming and etc, sometimes i would watch yt videos about interesting stuff, don't do avoidance though but do stop if it's an addiction and bothering you.

@Pinkchampagne88 Some of these help and and don't. I find they don't help when my intrusive thoughts about the things I've seen are too bothersome and too much to deal with. I also just have trouble saying no.

@BigGyro09 I get it, when I had this, they would trouble me for days too, I hope you heal fast.

@Pinkchampagne88 So what do you do on the days where it feels like nothing helps? When nothing else but going back works?

@BigGyro09 My theme is not past events, I got over them it was just a small part of my pocd it's POCD,, it doesn't bother me as much.

@Pinkchampagne88 I've noticed in your comments. I struggle with POCD really badly as well.

@BigGyro09 Yeah it's the worst, I'll be honest, I have a kid come everyday in my house and the kind of thoughts I get make my day absolutely dreadful, i hate this time of day tbh, good luck though, it's a theme designed to bother you try to be patient and kind with yourself, and yes it will take time, you can just observe your thought and not comply with them its not your moral obligation to continuously do compulsions, so stay strong.

@Pinkchampagne88 Thanks for your comments, they do help. I hope it gets better for you as well and you're able to beat those intrusive thoughts.