help

18+ my boyfriend just started insinuating that he might be asexual and it might be bc of his meds but we don’t really know. i’m not asexual but i love him so much and he’s the only person i can ever ever see myself with and i feel like a sick pervert for being upset at the idea that we might never have sex again. i also know if we don’t then ill always feel like it’s a personal attack even though it would be something he couldn’t control. Im not the most sexual person either i just know that this will create problems within our relationship especially since this was not something that he knew when we first got together. if he does end up to be asexual i wont know how to cope with that and that makes me feel so sick and perverted.

moneki

Date posted: Yesterday

Asexuality is a spectrum, just because someone is asexual does not mean they are sex repulsed/do not have sex. As far as I know, asexuality is defined as a lack of sexual attraction or low/no interest in sexual activity. I think it would be beneficial for you both to figure out what asexuality means to him and how it may appear in your relationship. A common side effect of many medications is also decreased libido, so it wouldn’t be too surprising if it did factor in to how he may be feeling. I noticed you’re speaking in a lot of absolutes and I know that this seems like a situation with a lot of absolutes but the reality is that neither of you know for sure yet. Be patient with yourself and him! You are not perverse at all for being with someone who may be asexual while not being asexual yourself. I’ve read/heard a lot about asexual people in relationships with people who aren’t asexual and that their relationships are healthy and happy. Not all asexual people of course but, some asexual people do engage in sex with their non asexual partners. I hope that you and your boyfriend are able to discuss more about this in a way that makes both of you feel seen and that you’re able to reach a conclusion that both of you are happy and comfortable with. Be kind to yourself in the mean time!

Anonymous

Date posted: Yesterday

@moneki thank you so much. this genuinely helps so much as i am thinking back on it and finding myself thinking more black and white about the situation without even talking through it with him. i am also just afraid that when we do finally talk about it, i won’t know how to express my feelings without making him uncomfortable as that is not my intention at all. i also am afraid that i will not know how to think and respond but i guess ill cross that bridge when i come to it. thank you so much.

moneki

Date posted: 18h

@Anonymous Of course! I don’t know if it would be helpful but maybe you could write your feelings down before you guys talk? Sometimes when I’ve anticipated having important conversations with people in my life, I write everything I’m feeling down in bullet points and then sift through what I believe is the most important/meaningful points. Once I’ve figured out what I really want to talk about, I’ll bullet point again but more thoroughly based on my primary points. It not only helps me plan for a stressful conversation but it helps me figure out which feelings I really want to express and how to express them the way I mean to rather than getting worked up during the actual conversation and not meaningfully communicating my point at all. I hope maybe this can help you too!

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