Boundaries and OCD

Hello! I haven’t really posted a “normal” post on here before, my only posts so far have been replies and a short comic I did. But I wanted to make a post about boundaries because I was wondering if anyone else struggles with this. I’m still unpacking my diagnosis and understanding how OCD appears in my life (it’s hard when everything you do feels normal to you) but in my reflecting I’ve been wondering if the reason I find boundaries so abstract/difficult to understand is because of OCD. On a practical level I know what boundaries are but I struggle with them in practice. Mostly when it comes to myself. If someone shares with me something that they don’t want me to do, I have no problem following it. When it comes to me, however, I don’t know where to even start. I feel guilty a lot of the time about having and expressing needs that I think may impose on someone else’s. I often find I talk myself down in order to keep the status quo in fear of conflict. But this is exhausting, obviously. I also struggle, I think, because I’ve had loved ones, unintentionally or not, punish me for expressing a boundary or need. It feels like either way, no matter what I do, I just wind up feeling worse so what’s the point? I don’t know. If you read this thank you! And if it resonates with you I’m sorry.

Vicky0502

Date posted: Yesterday

This really resonates with me but I always feel like the end of my tunnel is near and I’m going to be a failure. Like I am going to be a disappointment to this important person once boundaries are established. Disappointing is a bad fear and bc i just kno I’m going to be a disappointment I will freak myself out by assuming that I am not going to be a around anyone bc no one’s going to accept the person that I am bc I’ll be too much for them

moneki

Date posted: 12h

@Vicky0502 I understand what you mean. I know it sounds a little backwards coming from the person who just made a post about struggling with boundaries but I do think it’s important to hold onto the fact that people who genuinely, truly care about you will stick around. Someone having needs shouldn’t be disappointing to anyone, especially when it comes to someone you care about. It may be difficult to get there, explain, and adjust but I promise you aren’t a disappointment for needing something to be different. Needing things doesn’t make you too much.

Anonymous

Date posted: 21h

When you first establish boundaries with people who've known you for long, they often react negatively because they see this as a "change" towards them rather than a "change for -you-". Its so much easier to build new relationships with established boundaries. I dont know if this is necessarily an OCD thing, but I do struggle with this too and I think it's because people with OCD think to think very black and white and we struggle with the gray areas of things. So sometimes knowing "when" a boundary is needed is a thing that can trigger intolerance of uncertainty, same thing with guilt/sensitivity towards hurting others or initiating conflict. I also relate to your statement about the double standards in relationships, like I struggle a lot with these things and I notice that I dont judge people for boundaries (sometimes I may get anxious that I did something bad for it go be needed) or for silly things they do/second hand embarassment (recently ive noticed many friends embarrassed by me? And that hurts ofc, but I cant understand it? I never get embarassed by my friends). So I dunno, it's complicated I think but I relate and communication is exhausting (this is one of those things thats wrong to say, since communication is important) but all the things you describe are ways in which I also experience relationships ect... and its one of the things that has pushed me to not date for long. :')

moneki

Date posted: 11h

@Anonymous Thank you for your response it was really insightful! I agree that most people’s knee jerk reaction to a boundary being established is misattributing the change to be about them when it’s really about the other person needing some sort of accommodation. While it may feel like an attack, what it really means is that the other person wants to continue the relationship (whether it be romantic, familial, or platonic) and just needs something to be a little different to do that healthily. I definitely feel like this is a general struggle that may be exacerbated by OCD. Like you said, we often struggle with black and white thinking and uncertainty and these sorts of situations/conversations are full of uncertainty. Touching on what you said about your personal relationships, I’m sorry that it seems like some of your friends are embarrassed by you. I’m not sure if it’s something you want to broach with them but I don’t think it would be unreasonable if you did. Communication is important but it is also extremely exhausting! I think those two sentiments can coexist. It’s necessary but it doesn’t make it any less draining, especially for people that deal with any sort of mental health struggles. I hope that, despite it all, you’re able to find people, romantic or otherwise, that make you feel seen and happy.

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