Black and White Thinking

Anyone else have those delulu moments where you realize you haven’t had any OCD symptoms all day and you think “weird… maybe I don’t actually have OCD? Maybe it’s gone and I’m cured? Maybe that was all just an overreaction and I’m normal now?” And then something triggers you and you think “oh my god I will never NOT be obsessing, I’m trapped in this OCD spiral forever, I will never feel normal again”. It’s so hard for me to realize that my entire life has been a pendulum, swinging back and forth between feeling completely normal and living deep in the depths of my obsessions and fears. And that’s likely how it’ll always be, even after I’ve done all the ERP and have conquered my themes, the obsessions will still come sometimes. When I’m triggered and obsessing, I don’t feel like myself at all. I can’t hear my own voice in my head. And then when I’m having a symptom-free day, I’m just regular ol’ optimistic goofy fun-loving Vee. It’s like Jeckle and Hyde, and both sides of myself are convinced they are the only one.

hlex99

Date posted: 19h

I get that! Before I looked into what OCD is and the possibility of having it, I kept telling everyone I felt like there were two people in my head constantly at war. One of them was optimistic and hopeful about the future and life, and the other had lost all hope and didn’t see the point in life. It felt a lot like what you’re describing.

Vee92

Date posted: 15h

@hlex99 It’s absolutely like having two different people in my head!! In my longer-lasting OCD spirals, the ones that have lasted for weeks and months in the past, I basically have no memory of those times but loved ones told me that I just kept saying “I don’t feel like myself, I don’t feel like myself”. It’s like OCD is so big that it takes up so much room in our heads that there’s no room for our actual personalities. I hate it! But it’s nice knowing others relate

hlex99

Date posted: 15h

@Vee92 Literally! I don’t remember much from my long lasting spirals other than what caused me to spiral and feeling detached from existing. I can’t remember anything I did that wasn’t spiral focused.

Vee92

Date posted: 15h

@hlex99 It sucks how OCD can take away our whole personality, hobbies, our whole vibe and just make us a zombie. Then when I come out of it I’m like “holy shit what happened??” People without OCD don’t understand it, even my friends with anxiety disorders don’t quite get how all-consuming this is

OCDTina

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 16h

Yes! I know for me I will have a few moments of calm and happiness, but my brain will be like,,,, "SOMETHINGS WRONG" and I'll start to spiral again. It's almost like my thoughts don't wanna leave. They're like "WAIT!!! YOU NEED TO PAY ATTENTION". Then my mood completely shifts and everyone is confused LOL.

Vee92

Date posted: 15h

@OCDTina This is ME!! Oh that’s so validating lol. Do you ever find yourself kind of… poking your obsessions to test and see if they’ll trigger? It’s almost like pressing a bruise to see if it still hurts or bending a sore wrist to check if it’s still in pain. I poke all my obsessions by intentionally thinking about them to see if I get triggered. And then I’m soooo surprised when I get triggered 🤣

OCDTina

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 15h

@Vee92 - All the dang time lollllll. Its so annoying.

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