This is going to be really long so I apologize in advanced. Please read it if you have time though because I feel like I’m alone in this and was wondering if anyone feels the same. This is going to be super cheesy but it’s something I’ve struggled with a lot and I’m curious if anyone feels anything similar. I didn’t have the nicest of childhoods but I used to get this feeling of a mixture of contentment and excitement over the smallest things. Rain clouds would come in and I would feel something. The smell of autumn and watching snow fall meant something to me. Hanging out with friends felt more freeing and just being alone in general felt different. I used to feel comfortable and more secure. Which is odd because I did grow up in a abusive household, but I still got those feelings. Then a really traumatic event hit when I was 13 and I got really bad depression. I think I always had depression to some degree but it got really bad. I got angry first, then sad and then numb. I feel like I’m starting to come out of the numb part of it years later but in turn I’ve become more aware and I realize those feelings that I used to have are gone. Is this depression or is this just growing up? Because I feel like I’ve stopped living and now I’m only surviving. My chest used to feel a lot lighter and now it’s heavy. I used to feel more and I still feel emotion but I don’t get those feelings anymore (if that makes any sense). Is it always going to be like this? I’m grieving for this feeling like it’s a person, the idea of never feeling the same terrifies me. I want to feel like there is more to life than this. I feel so trapped in this constant state of numb. I hope this is just a part of depression and not a part of growing up because that would be more permanent.

i’ve been dealing with SOCD for 5 years and truly believe it has altered my life completely😀. i haven’t been properly diagnosed but the child therapist I had when i was in hs kind of hinted to me i had something more than just plain anxiety. i’ve also dealt with intrusive thoughts all throughout my childhood and as my family life got worse my anxiety got worse annnd i started getting more and more thoughts that wouldn’t leave me. I remember spending months not swallowing right and practically starving myself bc i kept thinking i was going to choke. i also rmbr spending months worrying ab death and dying EVERYDAY. it woke up with horrible anxiety and it was all i could think about. i can still rmbr sitting in my grandpas chair and just staring off and thinking “im going to die one day” “idk what’s going to happen” “is god real” “i don’t want to die” “what if there is no heaven” and so on. when the socd thoughts started i was 15. i searched around online for help and found reddit and i was like “omg yes finally people who understand and are going through EXACTLY what im going through.” finding that community and this app has helped me so much. anyway i had such a horrible time during my teenage years bc of all the intrusive thoughts about my sexuality, my relationship (glad that’s over), and some other things here and there. i was so so depressed and i felt no one around me understood how fucking awful i felt. i woke up everyday anxious, depressed, numb, and exhausted. when i started college i told my old therapist that even tho im extremely afraid of death i just didnt like living. i would cry in my car before class and just sob ab how awful i felt. although my mental health has gotten SO much better as time went on and the thoughts haven’t been as frequent im definitely not doing well. i am literally stuck. i’m still in college but i don’t know what to do with myself. those years of anxiety and depression have left me STUCK. im so much happier? and i can manage the thoughts way better but i don’t want to do anything. i only talk to 2 friends (literally lost so many great friendships), i RARELY drive bc im afraid ill die in a car crash (only to school and back), i don’t go out, i don’t ask for help at school, i avoid conversations, i avoid ppl in general, i don’t put in that much effort into school, i don’t have hobbies, i don’t want to do anything, i literally have the worst social anxiety now, im afraid of everything. i feel like the only reason im “ok” now is bc i’ve avoided literally everything. i’ve basically spent three years of my life doing nothing. i’m not happy with where i am in my life but im so scared to do anything. i miss who i was before all of this. i’ve been dealing with anxiety all my life and ik my childhood and early teen years made me like this. i didn’t know how to deal with the things i went through/saw as a little kid and i guess everything exploded in my teen years. but i want to be better i want to start LIVING. i’m definitely happier than before but im not living. what frustrates me is i refuse to do anything about it. i know a big reason why i don’t experience as many intrusive thoughts is bc i avoid everything 😭. ik what i have to do to get better and turn my life around BUT I WONT DO ANYTHING. idk how to explain this but its not laziness i feel like my body is exhausted. i think im just so traumatized from feeling so fucking horrible for so many years i just shut down ykwim?? i don’t have any libido, i don’t find ppl attractive, i can’t get myself to do the things im interested in (so many books r piled on my floor), i rot all day, i push off my responsibilities till the last minute, i can’t even get myself to go on a small walk. i don’t know where i was going w this but if someone who’s going through the same thing sees this ur not alone. i just needed to get this out. hopefully one day things will get better.

I know I keep talking about This but I’m too tired :( I’m really struggling and I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I might be the only person who experiences this in the way I do. It’s gotten so bad that during intimacy or self-pleasure, I feel like I’m acting on a thought — like my body is moving because of it. It’s terrifying and deeply hurtful. The moment it happens, I immediately panic, try to rewind everything in my head, and ruminate to figure out what I was thinking at that exact second… but I can never remember. That makes it even worse. feel so lost and hopeless, like I’ll never be able to heal or move on from this. People tell me “it’s just OCD,” but it doesn’t feel like OCD to me. It feels like I’m the exception — like no one else truly experiences it like this, especially the part where it feels like I physically responded to a thought. I know people say “others go through this too,” but my mind keeps saying, “not like this, not this specific thing.”Sometimes I just wish I could go back and relive those moments so I could be sure what happened, but I know that’s not possible. I feel so stuck in guilt and doubt that I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’m scared I’m a bad person and that I’ll always feel this way. I’ll never be free or be the same again everyday I live with deep depression

My name is Maryam i was born in 1995 There is something weird about me that I don't know what it is when I was a child I was full of hope like I was on all the happy content drugs but I did not take anything I was just like that. But then when I went to school I started to get bullied alot sometimes in class I would zoom out like I left my body and come back to it again that happened to me alot when I was I child. But as I got older my happiness natural drugs started to fade away and I started to see the darkness bit by bit to tell you the truth I was bullied my whole school years until I I finished. But before that when I was thirteen my OCD kicked in pretty hard I was scared to do anything I didn't know what was happening to me at the time I started to do the rituals I had to otherwise my brain would punish me pretty hard but then when I was 16 or 15 I don't remember exactly I said to my self I had enough whatever my brain tells me let it happen my rituals decreased alot to non existence but in my brain I still had OCD so it never really went away. I realized recently that the OCD I have is not just a psychological problem but I have brain chemistry problem because if you have a brain chemistry issue it stays with you it can decrease but never go away I've been taking medication these last years so I can function like a normal person and I did alot of therapy recently not before But there is something about antidepressants they work in the beginning when you take them but after few months they stop being effective as they were before. So you have to rely on yourself pretty much. And also I mentioned before about the darkness that kept creeping on me as I grow up and now I feel it all the time that iam numb at this point I laugh I smile I pretend to be okay but iam hallow inside there is nothing there and the darkness inside me is loving that so that is my story If you read till the end that's cool if you couldn't I understand But that what iam at so far. If anyone can relate to anything I said please tell me so I don't feel like iam completely alone in this Thanks for reading