I'm now obsessed with the idea that I'm somehow repressing my true sexuality and that I have to "accept it", but the acceptance part isn't real acceptance it's digging and prying at my brain and trying to find proof that I'm a lesbian, when I know in reality that I'm not. My brain literally feel like it's going on a witch hunt and destroying everything in it's path. What do I do? I wish I had a better way to put this into words, but I'm really bad at that.

I can’t anymore. I really can’t. The what if I am attracted to them. The “why does it have to be a man with a woman” (which by the way- I only now get when women are talking in love songs. And whenever I look at any couple). I am just tired. Tired of feelings like crap. I just want to go to what I was before, but was I like this before? Have I always been like this? I am tired. My anxiety levels are ALWAYS the worse at the morning. I am starting to obsess whether I like this friend now! And it doesn’t matter how much I try to accept it, it doesn’t go away. Like there is still something wrong. I hate this. I hate this so fucking much. At this point. How can I still be straight? I literally get triggered by everything. And how can I just not be gay? I have no reason to think that but it feels so real. It’s like I have no sexuality at all. And this is all that I can think about every single hour of my day. I am even thinking about this in dreams! I even wonder that the fact I am so upset right now is because I am scared of telling people and that they won’t accept me. When I don’t even know who I am myself. I am so done. What even is this? Have I always been like this? I am getting flashbacks and it’s telling me I have.

Thinking about relationships makes me feel so bad. At this point both men and women trigger this obsession with trying to figure out what my sexuality is. I don’t really want to date anyone, I’ve been okay with this for over a year, and it’s not like I’ve been completely detached from the lgtbqia community. Like, I know lesbians and other wlw and for a long time I thought I was like bi (I think I’m honestly more aro than I realized), and I haven’t thought much, but ever since I realized I don’t want to share my future with anyone it’s like my brain is screeeeaming that this just means I’m a lesbian, when that’s never been a thought that crossed my mind. It’s definitely been better for me lately when I started cutting out compulsions and all that, but I’m still undiagnosed and I don’t know for sure what exactly is happening to me. If I was a lesbian I’d accept myself, but it’s the fact that it feels SO BAD when I think about it that makes me feel like I need to figure it out even more. Like is it anxiety because I don’t like it or anxiety because it’s like internalized homophobia? And it’s like omg I need to figure it out otherwise I’m just living a lie and I won’t ever be happy. I’ll get flashes of anxiety when I’m just watching a movie or a YouTube video about a boy band I like... and it throws things from the lesbian masterdoc in my face about how I had crushes on fictional characters and celebrities and how that’s something that lesbians do because it’s ‘safer’ to crush on unobtainable men. And it just feels bad bc I know I’ve had crushes on guys that were my friends too but I also have a lot of trauma and I wasn’t allowed to date growing up so that’s what I did to actually explore romance. When the anxiety spikes it makes me feel as if it was all a sign. What’s worse is that I started looking to aromanticism before I read the doc and there’s this bit about how some lesbians think they’re aro bc they don’t like men but never explore their attraction to women either and it’s like ahhhh what’s the truth. I don’t know anymore. Not thinking about it makes me antsy, & the second my anxiety spikes it’s hard to do anything during the rest of the day. I don’t want to think about falling in love and having relationships, I miss when I was just living life in the moment. I miss not thinking twice about when I found a guy attractive, or even a girl. Like it just makes my brain hurt so bad.

Hi guys, Straight female here. Having a tough night. I guess I'm ruminating on how this OCD started, I was browsing an app and came across half naked anime girls and I guess sexual images in general arouse me (I'm not sure why), but then I froze and told myself "oh my God, I must be a lesbian and I can't be with my boyfriend anymore." Ever since then, I've been checking and checking and checking some more. I've managed to not research anything (which I'm proud of), but it's just so unbearable, I'm worried I'm somehow in denial or something because the thoughts at first didn't really give me much anxiety but now I'm very stressed out. I keep thinking about my past and if I was a normal "straight" person, and wondering if I'm somehow actually a lesbian. I keep having awful dreams about it. Ironically, I can still be intimate with my boyfriend and somewhat enjoy sex but other times not so much and my brain tells me I am lying to myself. I keep trying to reassure myself that I'm not homosexual. I can't even fall asleep tonight. I checked my stress levels on my health app and its through the roof. I just want to feel like I used to and be confident about my identity, but my brain tells me that I only enjoyed sex with my boyfriend back then because it was new and exciting and just a fling. Before all this, I was only ever attracted to men and only had male crushes. Now, I find it hard to even understand what's going on and I find more comfort in wondering if I'm just asexual so that I don't have to deal with it. I'm physically shaking writing about this because I feel so hopeless. Just a few hours ago, I thought I had a breakthrough and I was feeling alright. I accepted the thoughts as they were and I was going along with it. But now it's triggered again because I'm not sure if they're intrusive thoughts or me being in denial, because I keep having to reassure myself that I'm not homosexual and that I'm attracted to men. The guilt of how it all started is keeping me from moving on because it is somehow proof that I am not straight. This is awful. It feels good to write it out. Thanks for reading.