ROCD about my Relationships and lifestyle. 18+

This vent post may contain triggers for those with ROCD. Please read with caution! First, it's important to state that I'm currently not in a relationship and haven't been in one for more than a year. There is the potential for me going back into a long distance relationship that ended well, and we were always friends after. Our relationship was deep, filled with love, and we were ENM. This would likely continue if we dated again. Problem is. Either due to my flaring OCD or having a year away from this decade old relationship, I am starting to experience unpleasant feelings that I wanted to escape from in the first place. Guilt, Jealousy, Fear and Shame. There's a part of me questioning if I want someone to just want me, and for me to only want them. But I have never liked the idea of treating someone as a possession. These are personal, and I understand that not everyone will understand. My other concern is potentially falling in love with someone who wishes to remain exclusive, only for months or years later, start questioning if what I really wanted was to go back to that old lifestyle. It's important to note, these were never about sex. Only the ability to treasure and love more than one person. Due to my OCD, a large part of the guilt I experienced when I was younger was due to the guilt over finding other people attractive when I was in monogamous relationships. I would never cheat on a partner in my life, just to assure you I'm not someone who would go behind someone's back to fulfill my own romantic or physical needs. It made me so guilty that it would affect my personality. I would become very sheepish, depressed and extremely over apologetic. I discovered that an open relationship, or ENM, actually helped fix this. Because by being open about finding people attractive or having feelings for someone else, it actually removes those feelings because of the levels of trust, openness and honesty. But now those old feelings are back. I worry I'd be jealous of my partner if they went to visit their other partner. I worry that it would grow like a cancer until I wouldn't be fit enough to be in a monogamous or non-monogamous role. Always by myself, unable to feel true happiness with a partner or partners. The last thing I want to do is hurt someone, but why am I so willing to hurt myself? Anyway. Sorry about the long rant. I know not everyone will be able to empathise with this, but it has been truly bothering me and I hope you will be able to read this as a man with a different lifestyle, agonising over the fact. I think I will open up and talk to this old flame of mine I might end up dating again. I don't want to hide this from them, and I think this will be a case of being honest and open instead of raw confessing.