Rocd or me

I have been in a toxic relationship for years. To the point where I moved from my home with my partner. I have OCD and he has anger problems which came out because of my OCD. I guess . Anyways we live separately now. And we are both in therapy and working on stuff. However his anger issues are hard to look past. It's hard to determine if this time will actually change that aspect of him. Question's flood my mind . Will he yell at me again if we live together again in future, will this happen or that. I can work on my OCD but it will never go away fully .. The fear his anger put in me sucked. He never hit me but he's been pretty shitty. And I of course have said some shitty things . I feel guilty that my mind questions things so much now that we are actively trying and don't know if it's my OCD or my actual thoughts.. Age 33(f) him 35(m) Also I think he has undiagnosed ocd

Rebecca ❤️

Date posted: 2d

Baby girl I understand where you are coming from. It’s SO HARD to maintain relationships with people. Especially living with them. I’ve had the same experience. I have so many different forms of OCD but the biggest problem when it came to relationships is that I obsessed over my house. fist fighting over water marks on the sink and mirror and small messes that a regular person would look past, Exhausted from cleaning up after everyone, stressed out from being triggered constantly in a place where I should feel the safest. Not knowing how to open up about horrible intrusive thoughts and not feeling safe to be myself even in the lowest points of my life. My biggest warning to you is that relationships especially toxic ones can drastically affect your OCD and can most definitely make it severely worse. I’m gonna tell you this don’t hold onto someone who is angry at you and blames their anger on your mental illness. You never would tell him he made you have OCD. He had anger issues wayyy before he met you and you shouldn’t be his scapegoat. It breaks my heart into a million pieces reading your post because you sound like me from years ago. You deserve someone who holds your hand through this not fighting with you. Everyone has problems and everyone has bad days but finding someone who helps you, who sees you for who you are and accepts the ugliest parts of you are going to be the one who makes being healthier a lot easier. It’s hard to heal and get better when you’re constantly in fight or flight or walking on egg shells. You deserve someone who holds your hand through your journey of a better life.

Rebecca ❤️

Date posted: 2d

I can’t fix it and I don’t have all the answers not even for myself and this is my first time on No ocd but I am here for you and I’m here if you need a listening ear even if you don’t want any opinions or criticism. I’m here if you need a friend to lean on. Much love ❤️

kk1010

Date posted: Yesterday

Thank you so much for your reply. It's probably the most genuine and in depth reply I've gotten on here. Though I don't post to much. I hear you and what you're saying, and I do know I deserve better and it's not my fault. However now since living seperately and him doing the things and taking the steps, it's almost like my mind doesn't want to put the work in anymore.. or at least in some sense. A big part of me wants it to work, while the other repeatedly thinks, it can never work, the damage is to extensive. Would love to talk more if you would like ( don't necessarily want to put or air all my laundry here lol) however I don't know if there is an option to write directly on here. Also feel free to write me about your stuff is well I have multiple types of OCD to. Rocd led my relationship here with fears of him cheating... And now I'm just questioning is my rocd telling me to be done or me.. Either way, welcome to the community it is a great place to read and see that you aren't alone in what you are going through.

Rebecca ❤️

Date posted: 13h

@kk1010 It is so hard to trust your mind when it’s the same thing that’s giving you so many problems. You don’t have to answer on here because I know airing out dirty laundry just seems so embarrassing and it’s a very vulnerable thing to do. But just ask yourself a couple of these questions. Do you feel anxious whenever you are in the same room as this person? And I know some days could be good, but I’m genuinely asking when things get tough. Do you feel anxious around them? Do you feel like if you had the worst intrusive thought that is ever came to your mind do you have the trust within that person to confide in them? Do you feel like if you stay with this person that your future will be a bright one or a dark one? And I know sometimes asking these questions can make your mind think or jump into 1 million different scenarios but I’m asking you to answer with your heart and not your mind. Don’t over analyze it’s a feeling not a thought. Most of the time we know these answers but it’s so hard to accept them. You don’t have to make any decisions right now as most decisions that are rushed end up not being good ones, but I want you to know that when something is good for you can feel it and I’m not saying that you Ocd will go away with the right person, but I am saying is that your Ocd will feel a little bit lighter with the right person next to you. And that being said nobody is perfect and I know leaving a relationship especially in your 30s can feel like taking 1 million steps back and it can also feel like you have failed. But life doesn’t start until you start taking risks and you start living for yourself and even if these intrusive thoughts are the thing that is pushing you away from him nobody who loves you truly would allow that to happen you could push them away over and over again, but they will always be there waiting to take your hand when you’re ready for them not angry because you’re struggling. I have had so many men who were horrible men tell me that I was the reason for their abusive disrespectful actions that I somehow push them into being this person because of my obsessive compulsive disorder that I somehow was the reason for their anger and their abuse, but it took me a very long time to realize that I was never the issue some people blame others for their problems because they can’t accept the fact that has been within them the whole time. I’ve never told anybody that they made me have Ocd or that they made me have a compulsion. I’ve always knew that it was me doing this. I never needed a scapegoat. And you shouldn’t be his. Living apart from him is your body telling you it needed space. You cannot heal when you’re retraumatizing yourself. Give yourself some creditably, not everything you feel is an ocd compulsion sometimes it’s your body telling you that you aren’t happy where you’re at. If it took for you to live apart for him to start doing the work instead of seeing that you were hurting the first time you aren’t the problem. Two people who are unhealed and unhealthy cannot help each other. You can’t help him and he can’t help you. Take a break he’s not going anywhere and if he does he wasn’t for you anyways. Be single for a while let him walk his journey by himself and you walk yours and if things go good you and him can totally try again. But here’s a warning. You might not want to go back to him after you take a break and that’s totally okay too

Rebecca ❤️

Date posted: 13h

Sorry for the book though haha. I just have lived this life for so long, I know what it feels like. I hope you’re doing good today love ya! ❤️

kk1010

Date posted: 5h

I def appreciate it. Sooo let me just say I have two kids who have seen mommy cry way more than they should, and when they heard mommy getting yelled at I had to move them from the home because I will not risk my kids for anyone. I have been with him for three years and moved in with him a year and a half ago . I just moved on my own two months ago. We moved to this town , where I have no family no friends ... And no help. Other than him and his family. I have a great job I make decent money My kids love their school.. so I didn't want to up route them more than I had too .. Now we are here and I worry all the time . If I were too leave him. Then who could help if my kids were sick . Who could help me if my car broke down etc . Again I have no one. And he is great w my children .. just not with me... So my mind plays the .. even if it is not your OCD and this is you actually thinking it. You're stuck scenario.. over and over

kk1010

Date posted: 5h

Along with questioning .. is this really my OCD that wants to leave or is it me..

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