Need advice

There's this man that I finally gave a chance. Before I was told things about him that he's going around messing with everyone this and that and so I was like nevermind I shouldn't talk to him cause I'll break my own heart. One day 2 or 3 weeks ago I finally give him a chance. It feels like we're dating.first man to take my virginity and I stay over at his house almost everyday and have been more recently due to my job cutting people's hours because of the new year something like that. I've always thought this man was hot and we went out to dollar general together I felt fine and happy. I live in a small town so you know how that goes where everyone knows everyone basically and I absolutely hate it. Well we go to McDonald's and I see the people I use to work with and they're the same people that warned me not to speak with him and now I feel like every time we go out in public I feel embarrassed to be seen with him. When you talk to him alone he's sweet and doesn't seem like what everyone says. I don't want to feel this way. I also,as usual overthink every guy I've talked to if I really like them or not. This has cause me anxiety and has causes me to constantly check on google,reddit,and quora. From what I read online, people say to let the person go or that it's our own insecurity. I would to add that we just went to mcdonald's last night and another worker I know made a comment telling me to be careful and was giving me that look. I don't want to care what anyone thinks of me with him but I do

pureolife

Date posted: Yesterday

I think some good old fashioned communication would do wonders here. Ask him about what you’ve heard and share your concerns. Pay attention to how he answers. If he blows up and gets overly defensive or talks poorly about those people and tries to blame everything on them: big red flag. If he’s open to discussing what you’ve heard and sharing how he feels about it all now, then that’s great. People make mistakes and forgiveness is wonderful. Just make sure he’s actually aware of and past any of those issues.

abreeclarey

Date posted: Yesterday

Yes I told him about how I felt embarrassed ever since I've been told things. I fear breaking things off with him. We have talked about the future together but we haven't made it official yet.

pureolife

Date posted: Yesterday

@abreeclarey You told him how you felt but did you ask him to tell him more about the things you heard? Are they true or just rumors? How does he feel about those events? Has he grown and taken responsibility for them or does he brush it off? I’m just wondering if hearing his side calmed your embarrassment or reinforced it.

abreeclarey

Date posted: Yesterday

@pureolife He was honest about his past with me. He told me he told people he was a whore in training. I think everyone I know may know more cause of the looks they give me and telling me to be careful

pureolife

Date posted: Yesterday

@abreeclarey Interesting term hah. I mean if he’s honest about it and has changed whatever he needs to in a way that aligns with your moral views, meaning you’re compatible now, it’s up to you how you want to judge his past and if it’s still relevant. What’s most important is how you both view and engage with the world now.

abreeclarey

Date posted: Yesterday

@pureolife I definitely do not judge him at all. Everyone has a past. Thank you for talking with me::)

User type: Therapist

Date posted: Yesterday

Hello abreeclarey, I see you are struggling with intrusive thoughts about your relationship and ruminating about what others have said. With OCD, thoughts are treated as a situation that must be dealt with. Compulsion are the behaviors or thought patterns that are engaged in, such as research, rumination, and reassurance seeking. Unfortunately, the compulsions only lead to a temporary relief and increase distress over time. Additionally, the compulsions lead to the thought returning more frequently. Instead of trying to make the thought go away or do something to "fix it", have you tried to sit with uncertainty? Did your distress pass? Did you struggle to start? At NOCD we are trained experts in the diagnosis and treatment of OCD and related conditions using Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP). ERP is the gold standard of treatment for OCD and related conditions, with the better part of the past century's research backing the efficacy of ERP. If you would like more information on OCD and ERP, please visit our website at www.treatmyocd.com. If you are seeking to begin/resume your journey of recovery, you may reach out to our member advocate team at care@nocdhelp.com. I hope this message reaches you well and know that at NOCD, we are always here to help! Take care, Ian M. Reeder

SomeoneToMe

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: Yesterday

That’s a hard place to be for sure. From my own experience, it can go either way. A while back i was having the same thing happen to me, but i was the one people were telling others to watch out for. I wasn’t a very good person unfortunately and they weren’t wrong in their warnings. Without actually intending to or realizing it initially, i was playing with hearts. It made me so mad people would warn women about me, but it turned out, there was truth to it. I have come to terms with who i was becoming and have gotten away from that entirely. However, the damage is there and the man i was is what people know about me. As it happens, there were plenty of elaborated false stories as well, but that’s how it goes i suppose. Simply put, it’s hard to tell if what they are saying is true or not. Perhaps if he was that way, he’s come around as well and you’re getting the best version of him. You will have to know that for yourself. People say all kinds of things. The one voice that needs to be the loudest is your heart. Trust it and listen to it. One thing i know, you won’t and can’t fix anybody. If he’s playing you, you won’t turn him around. He has to do that on his own. Trust what your heart and gut tell you. I don’t know if that helps at all but i hope it does. Be good to yourself first. Have such a wonderful day.

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