mommy issues vent(just need to let it out)

its funny how it is often assumed that its your mother who you come to when you need comfort. for me its complete opposite, she's the one ruining my life. i feel guilty for saying it but my life would have been ten times better without her in it (not counting stuff like housing,my own room, food etc. because im grateful for that since not everyone has it). she has a terrible personality, she makes obnoxious, hurtful and racist jokes all the time (while claiming she's a supportive person, like tf), she acts like a cool mom to my therapist and friends but that's just an act and i hate her even more when she does that. she's also very selfish and i know life wasn't the best for her but she makes everything about herself, she doesn't give a shit about my ocd and she's too busy fighting with her braindead boyfriend like they're teens. sometimes i feel like she loves him more than me and my sis. also, whenever i ask her to not yell or be sarcastic to me when i do accidental mistakes, like forgetting to put something in the right place, checking the bus wrong and coming home later due to that(while informing her abt it btw), she always says im not the only one who has anxiety and doesn't gives a shit how scary it is for me whenever she yells or emotionally blackmails me. whenever i ask her to listen to something quieter or put on headphones she gets annoyed like its my fault im sensitive to noise and it really distracts me. im really being nice to her, im not a rebel at all, i never do stuff like slamming doors, yelling (unlike my younger sister who is REALLY rebelious, but she seems to have "higher expectations" for me just like if she has given up on her, which is also fucking sad). i don't get how she can say she's proud of me and that im a smart and responsible person and then treat me this way. she ruined our childhood by inviting her boyfriends over(letting us watch the both emotional and sometimes physical abuse going on), she was often venting to me when i was younger calling me her best friend but i was only her best friend when there was no one to listen to her sobs. maybe because of all this hateful atmosphere that she creates all i want in the future is to have a peaceful life, nothing fancy or like adventurous. i want to live a stable life with my boyfriend, doesn't matter if we have kids or not all i want is something safe, a house with no shouting in it.