Rocd please help anyone experienced this before?

I fear I will never be able to overcome this I’ve been called ugly since I was a child told I look like a boy told by others how I wasn’t attractive as so and so it’s awful I feel miserable now it’s greatly affecting my relationship with my husband I kept asking him over and over again if he ever seen anyone more attractive than me he kept saying no till I wore him down into saying yes when I accused him of lying and I was getting frustrated because I also have a fear of being lied to he got upset with the persistent questioning and finally replied a couple yeah sure are you happy and told me I can’t get upset because I wouldn’t except his original answer NO but he also told me later when I asked him if he really meant what he said he said no and that he thought it was something I wanted to hear because I wouldn’t accept him saying no and accused him of lying over and over again so he said yeah sure a couple to shut me up not meaning it but now I’m worried what if I just pulled the truth out of him he never really changed answers like that before and I’m wondering who and where like movie stars or people he dated or seen at Walmart or wherever and scared now that every time he leaves the house he’s noticing women who are more attractive than me it’s really killing me to think like this I told him my concerns and he gets mad but says that he never meant it and no i didn’t pull the truth out of him but I’m starting to wish after that when he said yeah sure instead of crying I could have asked him who and where it’s driving me insane and I can’t get over it and I’m really hurt especially since he knows I’m very insecure with my body i was hoping he would have stuck to his guns and maybe said something romantic I know that’s dumb but why it feels like he made it worse and now I’m mad at him even though I do know this is my fault but it really hurt me I don’t know what to do and wish I could trust him when he said that he didn’t mean the change of the answer

Anonymous

Date posted: 11h

Oof, I understand the need for trust. This feels similar to how I get with people. It seems like I'm asking for simple honesty. But somehow it turns into a tell her what she wants to hear to shut her up thing. This is a big theme for me with relationships. The little white lies that seem so socially acceptable create a lot of instability for me. I'm still working on that one. What seems like a polite kindness to a lot of people feels devastating to me. I think the lesson is in letting go of control. You'll never be able to force complete transparency out of anyone. If I find that with someone, I'd die of happiness. But if, you suspect he's lying, the question is can you live with that? Personally, if that question resulted in a believable honest answer and a conversation with me about why it's so important to me, I'd feel so fulfilled. But, that's rare. I'm constantly having to readjust my expectations for the level of connection possible with partners.... spoiler... I'm still single 😁 also, as a mom with a young girl with a temperament similar to mine, I'm learning just how much I needed a safe person who could handle my huge emotions. Men get really frustrated with a woman's big emotions ( in my experience)... but as I learned to manage my stress while making it safe for my daughter to feel her big emotions, I've seen how easily she goes from completely overwhelmed back to resilient. I suspect you have a deep wound here that was triggered and he doesn't have the emotional capacity to navigate those emotions with you... that can feel like abandonment to that inner child that needs safety. I'm choosing ocd treatment now because that fear cycle needs to be my responsibility and in my control. Partners have been notoriously ill equipped for that journey, and honestly it's probably a blessing in disguise. 🤞

MR.25.25

Date posted: 11h

@Anonymous Your right he’s a amazing man but it’s gotten to be too much we’re talked about marriage counseling as well I see he hit his breaking point and doesn’t have the same amount of patience anymore and I understand that but he’s wanting to work on his patience and has even apologized also i feel bad for him though it sucks I really want to recover and our marriage to get stronger 💕

LKRoseCity

Date posted: 12h

I say leave him if you can! Unless you guys stop with that.

MR.25.25

Date posted: 11h

@LKRoseCity Why would I leave him ???? It’s not easy for him either it’s not fair for him to come home from work dealing with me asking a bunch of dumb questions and constantly begging for reassurance it’s not fair that we can’t have one good day because my ocd won’t let us he’s a very good man who’s had enough everybody has breaking points he’s very sweet and kind and funny and I love him more than anything yes we got on each others nerves maybe even said hurtful things but no marriage is perfect anyone who says theirs is is lying we all have our struggles this man stuck with me through so much when I was pregnant and fresh out of another abusive relationship he took me to the hospital and stayed with me the whole time he is a amazing father too he’s the only thing in my life that makes sense besides our children gives me purpose he’s the love of my life my best friend and my hero this poor man has dealt with my ocd and ptsd for almost 3 years now and we are newlyweds I thought on this site we are supposed to be mindful and just share experiences and tips we learned not trigger others and make them feel worse that was a very insensitive thing to say and has triggered me badly this is supposed to be judgment free too !!!! I hope you have gotten the help you need and that you can recover like the rest of us I’m going to work on mine peace be with you

Anonymous

Date posted: 11h

Yep, been there 😭 that's what's got me really working on me now. I can see how caring my last partner was. He really was struggling to support and understand. I hope you guys can work it out. Oh! My recent realization is that it can be true that my partner is a good person even if they have wronged me... sounds simple, but it really helped me let go of the need for certainty. Just because I'm going overboard and causing distress doesn't mean it's ok with me for people to lie to me. I'm not sure if I'm saying that well... but basically it helps with the emotional swings. I think the guilt that I feel from causing so much distress makes me buckle down on proving I've been wronged. I think it helps to have self compassion that says.... yes he's a good guy... and yes being lied to is very very hard on me.

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