i can't live like this even tho it's my own fault.

i don't know what to call this, i don't know how to word any of this but i'm in dire need of help. i saw a TikTok video that brought back a memory from one of my past relationships. When i was 16 i was in a very sexual relationship that was incredibly traumatising in so many ways. Eventually i was sexually assaulted by my ex but horrifically that was just the norm, it all revolved around casual sexual things like it meant nothing at all. She'd do things and it'd make me believe they were okay to do too or i'd have a sexual thought and because it was all so casual i thought it was okay to do. I want to say i never once laid a hand where it wasn't welcome but i did however do something very wrong that broke boundaries and consent. It had no malicious intent, no bad thoughts and was not intended to be harmful because i genuinely didn't know it wasn't right. I feel there is no way out of this consuming guilt and i feel like i don't deserve to feel sad over my assault because i also did wrong. Since this bad memory resurfaced my compulsions are taking over my life, i have to do everything anti clockwise, i can only pick things up with my left hand and put things down with my right, as if that's gonna make it go away. I am truly horrified at my younger self and everytime i see a little light at the end of the tunnel i remember. Then i feel i dont deserve anything at all. I need help. now i have grown so much as a person and my girlfriend says her favourite thing about me is how much i care about consent and her being happy when it comes to the sexual side, she vaguely knows what happened but i always get a pit in my stomach when she says this. after my assault i have become extremely passionate about working with survivors, i have worked for months donating money to rape charities and now i feel i cant do that either. (edited)