I no longer feel in control 20+ only

Adults only I no longer feel in control of my porn use. I'm going to admit it. I have a porn addiction. I have a problem. I want to get help but I'm in the process of switching therapists. Just tonight, where it's 5 in the morning, I was compulsively googling about my escalation to celebrity porn and the ethics and legality of it, and then I found myself seeing a pornographic sub reddit. I clicked on it and scrolled endlessly on it. I hated it because I saw more of that celebrity pornography that I worry about that's digitized and animated, but I felt a rush and felt excited from scrolling from people being very sexual. I hated it deep down but I can't say no to it. It's literally like a drug that gives me a hit. I'm literally getting hits from this and I go back to it because nothing feels as strong as that. Through my entire day, I felt like garbage because of porn, yet it's also the very same thing that helps me escape those thoughts and those feelings, which is why I binge on it over and over again, sometimes several times in a day. I hate that I also saw things that disturbed me and knew people shouldn't have shared those things like fictional minors. I hate that shit. I hate going back to porn but it's something I can't push aside. I try to rationalize it, justify it, and ignore the shame but deep down I just can't. I need help. At least I know acknowledge that and start with that. I just hope I can get the help I need. Every single day I feel so much shame when it comes to the people close to me knowing all of the things I've seen over the years. I get so much disgust and disappointment in myself from this yet I just can't seem to say no to it.

Vjeze

Date posted: 2d

Thanks for sharing! And good news; you can stop! You have already figured out why you are watching it(escaping feelings). That is already a big step. Now seek help to process these emotions. Also realize that it is a journey. You might relapse. Still, every day without watching is a step closer to a porn free life. Even when you do relapse dont be to hard on yourself. I havent watched for over 5 months now and sometimes its still very difficult. But it gets better. And you are not alone

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2d

I just don't know how I'm going to deal with this on my own without my new therapist. It's going to be a while until I see them. I keep relapsing again and again and I don't feel like I'm in control of this anymore.

Vjeze

Date posted: 2d

I know it might feel hopeless. How old are you? Maybe dont quit cold turkey but start watching less en less. Give yourself a certain time to watch every day and keep that promise to yourself. If you can do that, you can decrease the time you are watching step by step. Also try masturbating with your own fantasy, not porn

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2d

I'm 24. You're an adult right? I'm assuming you're also in your 20s. So would it help to set a time to do it, but I'm guessing this needs to be every other day and slowly just diminishing it to three times a week to two and so on.

Vjeze

Date posted: 2d

Im 36 so yes adult. I think that would be the right approach yes. But also use fantasy instead of porn. And expect to fail a few times. Its part of the journey.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2d

Do you feel like you're in a place where you won't go back to it for a long time? I guess for this week I'll schedule it for every other day and then next week only 3 days into the week and then 2 for the next, one, and then try to just not use it after. Is that how people usually quit porn?

Vjeze

Date posted: 2d

Yes but im older and im just done with it. It just doesnt align with my values anymore. So i guess that makes it easier in a way.Because its not only about willpower for me but also a mental state. But after 20 years of watching ofcourse your brain is used to getting that dopamine rush. Is porn interfering with ocd or do you just have a bad habbit/addiction?

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2d

I never felt porn aligned with my values. Ever. It just felt like something that always took control over my mind and the things that I do. It's very possessive and brainwashing to me. To answer your question, it's both. It's been a separate issue that I've struggled with many years before OCD. It makes my well being worse and it gives my OCD ammunition for making me feel worse than I already do because of it

Vjeze

Date posted: 2d

When i was your age, i didnt think too much about it so it wasnt an issue for me. When that changed it was easier to quit for me. But that is me and everyones story is different. But also sex is everywhere so there will always be temptation. So i would i would say; add structure to your life in every way possible. Find out when you are triggered to watch porn and avoid that situation (dont bring phone or laptop in to the bedroom for example) and seek help for the underlying issue.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 2d

There was a point I didn't think too much about it most times but sometimes I did. I think OCD is amplifying that to higher levels to give me more negative feelings about it all. I find that not being on my phone helped but it's hard for me to do that most times. I feel more present when I'm not on my phone all the time. It's getting to the point where I just want to be able to live my life where it isn't run by something like this. It's also stopping me from achieving other things in life I feel

noone9

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: Yesterday

@BigGyro09 Find a local support group. Google fight for freedom, that's one

BigGyro09

Date posted: Yesterday

@noone9 That's one thing I don't really have. I don't have a lot of people to talk to about this and I'm kind of afraid to look

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