Please reply going through a bad time 🙁

Last night I was laying in bed unable to sleep and I heard someone walking outside my room. I’ve been having an ocd flare up recently but last night I randomly started having thoughts about stabbing my mum and I was laying there and I started playing out the scenario in my head imagining it and I kept imagining it and I don’t know why but it felt like I wanted it or as if I was ‘planning to be evil’ by imagining these scenarios because if I don’t like it why would I keep imagining it and almost feel like I wanted to imagine it and it just felt really real and I didn’t feel anything at first but I started getting anxiety but then I was thinking what if it’s adrenaline and I’m evil I couldn’t distinguish which one it was and I suddenly felt like I had to go toilet from that feeling and I started crying and I was like ‘shaking/shivering’ while I went toilet but at the same time it suddenly felt like I had ‘become evil’ like as if I could suddenly be bad and do that and as if I wanted it I can’t explain it but it almost feels like what if I’m being influenced and now I actually am evil or want to be and I don’t want to be bad but it felt like that and I’m worried and my head makes me feel like ‘you could actually be evil if you decided to’ and it scares me but I don’t even know how I really feel I’ve had this problem for years and I’ve become more numb to it and each time I go through an episode I find it more difficult to understand how I feel as the anxiety isn’t as prominent as it use to be 😕😕 I’ve been feeling down all day but I wanted to try and pick myself up from this depressed state but I feel like if I do it’s as if there is actually something wrong with me and I can’t be happy. Also I just keep feeling this pending horrible doom anxious feeling of ‘you could still decide to be evil and maybe you are and you like it and your just denying your true nature’ it feels as if I’m pretending to be good and even when I tell my mum about it I feel like I’m faking being sad and secretly want to do those things 🙁🙁 I don’t even feel like I deserve to say I’m sad because I feel like I’m faking it and actually am evil and want these things

Tea and Honey

Date posted: 5d

I think one of the traps of OCD is that the OCD makes us feel like we HAVE to have certain emotions about the thoughts. In other words, the OCD will make you feel like you have to feel sad about the thoughts in order to confirm or verify that you think the thoughts are bad . But this is all not true. Our minds naturally become numb overtime to certain stimuli. (In fact, this is why therapists make you expose yourself to things over and over in order to desensitize you.) desensitization is a real thing. It happens happens happens all the time when we watch violent movies or video games. After a while, we don't care anymore. We can't make ourselves manufacture emotions. In fact, it doesn't matter what emotions we have. You need to stop evaluating whether or not you disagree with the thoughts based on whether or not you feel emotionally bad about the thoughts. It's OK for you to be numb to the thoughts. It sounds like this is really torturing you. And I'm so so sorry. Are you currently seeing a therapist? A link a video about OCD below. It's not your fault that you have harm OCD. In fact, it is a very common sub type of OCD. You are not alone. There are other people who know how you feel. And there are also good therapists out there who can help you . :):):) are you currently in treatment? It might really help https://youtu.be/hwkpqNpHfkE?si=cotF8wZS5w12knh1

EndOCD2026!

Date posted: 3d

@Tea and Honey Remain calm, live in a slow pace (breathing/focusing on what you do), observe generation of thoughts and identify OCD to ignore. For example do not act upon “be sad” or “be angry” because it will only get worse with OCD, but even when you enter a loop, you have to bring yourself back to present by calming down… Tough for OCD to work when you are at present 24/7… Ideally

lu22

Date posted: 2d

@Tea and Honey I don’t have a therapist 🙁

Tea and Honey

Date posted: 2d

@lu22 Therapy can make a BIG difference. There have been lots of people who were trapped inside their houses because of the OCD who got back to their lives because of therapy. Steven Smith, the founder of NOCD, was one of those people. He was playing football in college, but his OCD trapped him in his dorm room. He got his life back after learning ERP therapy. Recovery is possible!!! The average person with OCD suffers in silence 13 before they go the to therapy. :(:( But once they learn the strategies they need, they can get so much better. Have you every considered NOCD? They are excellent. They take most insurance, and all their sessions are over zoom. I have used them multiple times.

EndOCD2026!

Date posted: 5d

maybe try to ignore thoughts by breathing (focusing on long-lasting exhale & inhale) to stay in the present, calm down instead of entering loops so the thoughts will pass by. Stress more, thoughts become more

Rissa94

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3d

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Just remember we can’t control our thoughts sadly but we are not our thoughts and just you getting worked up over these thoughts means you don’t want to do this. I sometimes get thoughts about stabbing my husband and it horrified me because I would never. Thanks to exposure therapy it helped me and now I know I’m not my thoughts and I would never so I just ignore it.

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