I’m convinced that all of my friends hate me so that’s great.

me convincing myself that all my devices must simultaneously be hacked and that im being watched though none of them show any signs of them being used by anyone else other than myself 🙃 fun (but also having to sit with uncertainty and not try to interrogate it any further)

i'm chatting with this person on discord. i don't know why i think that way, but i started questioning whether they secretly hate me or will judge me in some way. i always expect people to leave me and i'll be all alone. it's scary them not responding to my messages sometimes also fuels that fear. i know they're busy or get distracted sometimes, which isn't their fault at all, but my brain won't stop making worse case scenario and therefore i'm constantly checking when they'll reply to me. they have proved multiple times to me that they're a good person, that they like me and that i have nothing to worry about, yet i can't stop ruminating on the hypotheticals i made before starting to talk to them on a more personal level. i feel like i'm going crazy. my only salvation is random distractions and heart meds.

I don’t know what to do anymore I made a friend recently in college and was texting her the other night and she mentioned she was doing her nails and I said nice and asked her if I could see. Because I was curious about what she did to them this time around and since then she has not responded to me I apologized to her saying I’m sorry if it bothered her but still nothing. Some of my friends just don’t answer me anymore I feel like I’m a burden of the ones who do still talk me I’m so done with it all. I’m tired of trying to find love as well I feel nothing to it anymore it’s only left me with disappointment and sadness I feel like I’m an unlovable husk of a person and that I would only ever be a bother I cannot fathom the idea of someone loving ME I just can’t I feel like it’s impossible I feel like everything about me bothers people to the point where I think is it even something I should try to achieve anymore. I should honestly block myself from trying to make new friends and relationships I’m so so tired of it. I feel unappreciated and annoyed that I am the one that has to try to keep up any sort of relationship because if I don’t reach out they never will reach out to me the reason I know this is because it’s been proven time after time since middle school that I am nothing to these people and I might as well no longer try. I don’t know what to do anymore I feel like I’m going to be all alone for the rest of my life I’m just so lonely now.