long winded vent about my mother emo warning

my mom knows I have ocd and she knows I have adhd or some problem with executive functioning but when those disorders impair my functioning she tells me im not trying at all and i dont care about anyone else and when I tell her you don’t know what ive been doing this whole time (actively trying to get ready) and you don’t see what goes on in my head she’s like no I do know you’re not trying at all 🙃 lately ive been up all night freaking out spiraling cause im afraid of being a narcissist and manipulative and sometimes i ask her for reassurance which i know is bad but the point is she knows i freak out about it all the time and it causes me debilitating worry but now she literally just went “maybe you are a narcissist” because she was mad at me and thinks I don’t care or try when I am trying but it just doesn’t work anyway and I just feel like telling someone their biggest ocd fear is true because you’re mad at them is just unfair Maybe she’s right maybe I am a narcissist and this is me being unable to accept responsibility but I feel like I am trying but it just takes me forever to get ready because it’s so hard to start any task and once I do start getting ready there’s a million things that my brain tells me have to be done right that second because if I don’t do them I feel disgusting and I just feel like I can’t stop myself and I don’t have a good concept of how long things are going to take anyway and im stressed the whole time because I don’t want people to be mad at me but she just sees it as not caring or trying and it really hurts my feelings when I stay up all night doing compulsions because im so afraid and then I’m not awake at normal times she tells me that im not trying and im rude because of how it affects other people but she never ever seems to think about how it feels to be the one up all night with the horrible anxiety or to be unable to get yourself to do anything you need to do and the whole time you know people are mad at you and you know you’re only making things worse but you just can’t seem to stop I don’t want people to be mad at me but I don’t know how to be normal Maybe im just a bad person I don’t know