OCD Around Drunken Hookup Years Ago

I had a date with a girl some years ago. We went out, drank a lot with her friends, and ended up at her place. We kissed a bit, but didn't have sex as she said not on the first date and that was no issue with me. There was some cuddling and I recall rubbing her leg and breast a bit briefly during it. There was indication that I crossed a line from her, no push back, no “no” or “stop”. I barely slept. I want to say that firstly, I would never engage in something non-consenual sexually. I understand how important consent is. The added blurred lines of drunken, and borderline hungover at this point, hook up and cuddling are confusing to me. I keep thinking me touching her was unwelcome, that she may have been falling asleep or that was she wasn’t awake during the moment. She was draped over me with her leg for some of the night and I was obviously into her, but I cannot shake that I did something non-consensual, something I wouldn't do if I didn’t think it was warranted or OK. The day after all this, we exchanged a couple messages but she was busy with her friends so I left her be and mentioned my interest in a second date and if she was up for it. I didn't hear from her until about two days later, she never acknowledged the question. She dry texted and infrequently communicated, which is fine. I didn’t want to push for a second date again or try to continue a one sided chat. That said, I felt that broaching the subject of our drunk semi-hookup/cuddling was a difficult task at the time. Because I could tell there was no interest in further talking, I didn’t bring it up. I'm thinking back on this now, really struggling, and realizing my relationship with alcohol isn’t healthy as I’m a weekend warrior at heart but have convinced myself it’s fine to get belligerent most weekends once a night. I’m not sure where to turn. I’ve talked to a therapist about it, but I’m struggling to move on. I’m looking for any advice on how to do so.

Dizzboy

Date posted: 2d

I understand how alcohol can negatively affect our emotions. Generally or perhaps always, no one makes better decisions when they are intoxicated. I notice how just a couple of drinks negatively affects my physiological state the next day. I’ve had experiences like yours before. I even talked to a friend today that I had had a similar event with months ago which was the second most recent time I’ve seen her. I may need more information, but, it probably would be helpful if you could talk about it from an apologetic standpoint with her. It probably will only do good to do so.

sales55

Date posted: 2d

Are you asking I speak with your friend? Thank you for responding, I agree with all that you said.

Dizzboy

Date posted: Yesterday

@sales55 What I was getting at is that with the limited amount of information you gave (which is understandable in communications like this) it may be wise to reach out to her and talk about it. There is a bit of a logic test to do here. An analogy is when I get in my car and drive off. Part of me wants to check multiple times to see if I left something on top of it even if there is no logical reason to do so. To do so is most likely a compulsion. However if I’ve been cleaning my car with the doors and trunk open and setting things on the top of it, a one time glance as I pick things up is reasonable. What does your logic say about this. Also, I didn’t mean for you to speak to my friend, but, the one you might have hurt.

sales55

Date posted: Yesterday

@Dizzboy - I understand what you mean, but we are far past that in my opinion. I know who she is, because her name has popped up in my Snapchat “people you may know” or whatever. I am trying to remind myself that I wouldn’t knowingly try to do something that I didn’t think was in bounds for the situation I was in. There were way too many mixed signals and I was genuinely just drunkenly figuring it out as we went. For godsakes, we just made out in her bed and then she cuddled up to me. I didn’t do anything further than what was mentioned. When someone is draped over you, and you’re under the impression they are still “with it”, you’re just attempting to be intimate to see where it goes. I knew sex was off the table, but maybe I thought some playful touching and kissing again was not? I’m not perfect, I know that. I can’t torture myself about handling one small moment in an ambiguous scenario in a non-ideal way. I never was explicitly told anything was wrong, to leave, or pushed away. I think my OCD truly is attacking the worst possible scenario of a non-perfect memory moment, in which communication was dropped and I had no answers as to why. I didn’t feel like it was appropriate to pry or bring up given disinterest on her end. I know people have these nights, there’s a lot of “damn I don’t remember much” and they also didn’t feel like pursuing further. And that’s it. It happened after, I checked in with that other person, and I made sure everything was good. And honestly the second occasion I mentioned, I remember way less than the first.

KCSM67

Date posted: 2d

I just posted something similar on my page as well

CarmenOlivia

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: Yesterday

Hey! What did your therapist said about it? Sounds like OCD, so if you would reach out to her and ask if something happened, that would be a compulsion. When I was still drinking I struggled with False Memory OCD too. If you can, try to drink less or no alcohol. It sounds like a very distressing situation, but the thing to do with OCD is accepting uncertainty. Ruminating or reaching out to her would be a compulsion, so try not to do so. I think you want to reach out to her, because you want reassurance. What do you think? To me it sounds like you want to make sure you did nothing wrong, so you want to fix it with either asking her and she says all good or you want to apologise to make sure IF you did something that you at least apologised. If rumination comes up, try to say "Maybe, maybe not". If you get the urge to reach out to her or someone else for reassurance try to postpone it. Thats what my therapist told me and it helped me a lot. Tell yourself "if I'm still thinking about it in 5hours/ tomorrow, I can still talk to that person" and if you did that time slot, do it again. Sending you a lot of strength ☺️

sales55

Date posted: Yesterday

I appreciate your response. I am going to cut back on drinking and completely cut hard liquor out of my life. It’s never done anything but put me in situations where I cringe about it the next day and feel shame. It’s always been an escape on weekends, as I’m not a daily drinker. As for reaching out to her, I agree with you on it being a compulsion and wanting reassurance. We are far past me being able to reach out as it’s been years. I don’t even have her phone number anymore. I remember when this thought first popped into my mind. There was no indication I did anything wrong, but I think the whole thing fizzling out with her left unanswered questions in my head, then that thought and moment popped in, going to the worst possible scenario. My stomach dropped and then I went into memory analysis mode. I am trying to remind myself that these situations have a lot of gray area, especially when drinking is involved. As many know, you’re not always asking for explicit consent with every movement in intimacy, there were a ton of mixed signals present. I was fully respecting her choice to not have sex, but I didn’t know if she wanted to keep hooking up in a sense of kissing or whatever as she was draped over me at one point when this moment occurred. I was trying to figure that out while respecting the boundary. I know that I wouldn’t do anything to someone if I explicitly knew they were dozing off, not awake, or explicitly moved away from me. I was trying to be intimate. This is a very nuanced moment of uncertainty. And had I done something out of line, I’d think there would be a reaction to it. She responded to me after the evening, with no issues to bring up, but with classic modern dating disinterest and alluding at leaving things where they stood, which I understood and didn’t push further on. My mind is looking for a moment of certainty here for sure. I had a similar moment with someone else some time after this and remember feeling similar, so I reached out to check in and everything was OK on her end. That never went anywhere, but I was happy I was able to change course and be mature with checking for any issues the day after.

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