Rocd intentions

I sometimes worry my intentions are not always good when trying to do something nice for others I feel like a horrible person my relationship with my husband was starting to struggle due to my ocd ptsd and it was putting strain on our marriage and his patience was starting to run thin with financial stress plus work all with our home life understandably I was upset and also frustrated because we had to postpone our honeymoon and frustrated over the arguments we we where having he wanted to get eye surgery done but was reluctant because over not knowing if we could afford it or not but I felt bad and wanted to make it up to him after a difficult night with me obsessing again I was very depressed and thought if I could set up the consolation around the time one of my back payments from social sec would come in I could surprise him and maybe even pay for it so I called and set it up i don’t know though if it was around that time or a little after though I started feeling upset with him again either remembering the disagreement the night before or sometime later that day during or after the call I realized it was also something I could hold over his head which is awful I really wanted to so something nice for him though but I guess still felt upset over everything going on during that time he was excited for the consolation and went came home said it was pretty expensive and wasn’t sure if it was the right move which I kinda felt the same but didn’t wanna tell him no either and also did believe GOD would work it all out which I said and told him to go for it once again same thing you could hold it over his head and was hoping he might change his mind because how expensive it was mixed emotions wanting him to be happy but feeling upset still too he said he would think about it and I asked him if he decided yet I think a day or 2 after he didn’t know yet I guess I kinda thought he decided not to well one dumb ocd filled night I looked through his phone something I also feel guilty about and saw that he had a appointment scheduled and I felt upset because I thought he would have let me known he was going to do it after all and gotten into it with him again he said he could cancel I told him not to once again that horrible idea of I could hold it over his head I was just so angry and depressed at the time and after he got it done he was complaining about bills and everything else I was upset and and mentioned his eyes surgery I feel like a awful person everything was just very hard and we both where getting on each others nerves I feel like a horrible Because now he is starting to say he failed us randomly today and I feel awful because it’s my fault I feel like I put that in his head for complaining about the eye surgery I told him to get I feel like I’m the one who put us in a financial bind and now making him doubt himself I really wanted to him to be happy and get it but that part of me that was angry and wanted to hold it over his head feels like a part that I can’t get over my intentions may have started out good but now I feel like a bad person for the mixed emotions like is this awful am I a horrible person 😭