i’m so sorry this is so long 💔💔

i was diagnosed this morning and i can’t stop questioning the diagnosis. i’m currently struggling with tocd and up until recently the thoughts have started to come with false emotions. i get butterflies a lot when i’m anxious and sometimes i get scared that the butterflies are actually me being drawn to the thought. so i just want to summaries my whole experience with this disorder. so, when i was only 4 years old i had a very strong urge to touch all of the corners in the room. nothing would feel right if i didn’t. when i was 10 i had to do everything 6 times, had to say “night, night” as my last words, and had to get to the door before the garage closed or i thought i’d die. when i was 11, i started experiencing what i think was existential ocd. nothing felt real. i constantly asked my mum for reassurance that i’m real. i remember avoiding going out because i felt so dissociated. i was so scared of developing derealisation and depersonalisation and frequently checked in mirrors to see if i recognised myself, and i would also type out the word ‘derealisation’ on a keyboard on my ipad to see if the word came up. if it didn’t come up, i felt okay. but i literally couldn’t watch movies like the matrix because i was terrified. now fast forward to when i was 12, i feared i was becoming a psychopath. i genuinely worried that i would grow up to be a murderer. i would have frequent intrusive images that would cause distress. i also had pocd around this age. for pocd in particular, i saved many tiktok videos to reassure myself that i wasnt becoming a pedofile. now i’m almost 14. yeah, i’m young. but my current theme tocd is really not questioning. i’m going to summarise my experience with it a little bit here. i use envy men a lot. like i always thought they got more attention, more power and people swooned over them more than women. i was introduced to a popular fandom at the start of 2025 which i literally loved. the main ship were two straight men. i shipped them. i admired the dynamic. their ship got the most attention in the show. i of course blamed that on gender. i got very jealous of the attention and wanted to be in a relationship like that. like i would try and act like one of the characters (i didn’t try to look like him i just wanted to be like him because he seemed cool) and imagined myself being with a boy (me as a girl though) and basically ‘wearing the pants’ in the relationship because the more dominant man in a mlm or even the most dominant person in a straight ship always seem like the coolest. i still imagined myself as a woman like i didn’t want to be in a gay relationship, i wanted to be in a straight relationship. but in july last year i saw a video that resonated with me. it said “i want to be in a mlm relationship as a woman” and the top comment was “this is how i found out i was trans btw” and that dont scare me. but then i got curious. i didn’t feel like a boy and i still don’t now. so i went onto chatgpt… yeah i know. not the best. but i told it about what i was going through and it said all these different labels which i didnt understand. demigirl however, resonated with me. at least i thought it did. i few weeks later it kinda just wore off. but i started to get involved with political matters and yada yada i was an alt girl. i was very accepting of the lgbtqia community. i wanted a future in human rights or politics. i think i kind of tried to push labels onto myself as the alt community is very diverse. so i just left that aesthetic because again, it wore off. but in november i had a dream of me wearing a suit and tie. it freaked me tf out. like i was asking chatgpt why i had that dream. this is where my tocd started. (i have a history with ocd). i basically got really scared and started compulsively checking my memories, my feelings and i had so many uncomfortable intrusive thoughts of me as a boy. god it’s scary. this ocd subtype ruined my holiday, my christmas and more. i start school tomorrow and i’m nervous as. all of the things i wrote here are extremely hazy as ocd kind of gives me false memories. so, yeah. i don’t feel like a guy. never have. i literally had pinterest boards of feminine clothing i wanted to wear when i was a mum/older. all i ever wanted was to be a beautiful, feminine woman. i forgot to mention that the other night i did my makeup and felt so happy. i was happy with what i looked like and for a moment, i felt absolute certainty in my gender. but then the doubt came back in 😒 so, that’s it! thanks for reading. what are your thoughts? do i sound like i have ocd or was my psychologist wrong?