Forced to sit with uncertainty

I’m the kind of person who hates to be inbetween. I want to be here or there. I’m very lazy with ocd and sometimes very okay with agreeing with the negative thoughts because at this point I don’t mind agreeing if it guarantees I stop spending my whole day questioning. I’ll rather agree my fears are real and deal with the pain that comes with it. Yesterday I panicked a whole lot and had to give in to the fear. I felt calm after, I convinced myself it was my truth and decided to stick with the identity especially because it’s a weird and specific theme that might not really be understood and will be judged by others if I was to explain it. I gave in and it felt really painful like really painful then I felt calm then it felt like the pain washed away. At this point I was confused. Wanted to continue to remind myself of the identity I chose at it started to feel like I was forcing it. So I thought “Maybe my fears are not what I think it is” started to relax into that realisation but weird feelings I didn’t understand came up, I didn’t care to analyze because I was exhausted. It was 3am in the morning and I just wanted sleep with the little calm I felt. I woke up this morning incredibly anxious. I’m back being uncertain. Ocd won’t let me pick a side. I don’t know what is true for me and my future and now I think I’m just forced to sit with uncertainty. I have to deal with it and not try to agree nor disagree. My memory are back to feeling incredibly negative and I’m really confused on why I have to sit with not knowing what is real or not even if negative feelings come up.

maeee

Date posted: Yesterday

Something my therapist taught me was a type of therapy called ACT. It’s acceptance therapy. I’m not sure if I’d work for you, but I try to sit and acknowledge my feelings like such. “I am so anxious right now and I’m obsessing, this really doesn’t feel great. I know that this is a part of my disorder and the best I can do is feel comfortable.” I try to set a 15 minute timer imbetween my obsession so I couldn’t compulsively spend a long time ruminating over it. I try to also do other tasks, I might go through my needs list and see if I may need water or food or use the bathroom and usually directing myself to something else helps deviate from it even just for a bit. There is also thank you brain where when something upsetting comes in thanking your body and recognizing it’s trying to process something and moving on.

toyin

Date posted: Yesterday

@maeee Thank you. I actually don’t realise when I start ruminating or being compulsive because I always try to use logic forgetting I have ocd sometimes. Accepting an obsessive thought without acting on it makes me super anxious. It’s a lot for me. So I give into trying to use logic. Another thing is I am usually a boring person because depression made me lose interest in a lot of things so I mostly have nothing to do making me have the time to focus on these thoughts and continue to obsess. If I set time to between my obsession. I start to feel like I’m intentionally ignoring something important to me and start panicking. Maybe I’m just really scared to go through the normal ocd healing pattern because I know it’s hell and stressful.

helpimalive

Date posted: Yesterday

Thanks for mentioning ACT, I looked it up and I'm going to try to apply some of its techniques.

maeee

Date posted: Yesterday

@helpimalive A really good book is the happiness trap

toyin

Date posted: Yesterday

@maeee I’ll also look into that. Thank you❤️

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