Denial feels so real today

Really struggling with the SOOCD this week! I know I shouldn’t use reassurance or rumination but today none of my reassurance methods are even working. It just feels like I’ve been lying to myself and using OCD as an excuses to not be a lesbian 😭I really want to be with a man but any time I get close to dating I just feel sick like it’s not what I really want when it’s all I’ve ever wanted 😭 then I just think I only want to have sex with a man because I want the cuddles and intimacy and to have more kids but my brain js telling me cause I find same sex intimacy arousing that really I should be with a woman but I can’t imagine being with a woman romantically 🙈 I’m so lost I’m at the rock bottom where I just feel like I need to admit to myself I’m a lesbian because none of the normal glimmers of light that remind me I’ve been attracted to men before are coming through 😭😭😭😭 help!!

bruceWayne1

Date posted: Yesterday

If the thought of being w a woman isn’t delightful to u, then ur not a lesbian babes. I’m a girl who likes ladies and I struggled with the opposite- thinking I was into GUYS. And then I rlly started thinking to myself- do I rlly wanna be w a man? Do I see myself marrying a man one day or creating a family w one? No. I don’t, so I stopped thinking abt the what ifs and faced the facts, I don’t wanna date a man or marry one or have kids with one. I wanna pursue a life w a woman:)

Megan27

Date posted: Yesterday

@bruceWayne1 Did you have the same thing where you like lost the feeling of what you’re normally attracted to? If so is there a way you got it back? I feel like that’s my biggest setback right now lol

bruceWayne1

Date posted: Yesterday

@Megan27 I think u should take care of the worry of liking girls first, I stopped caring abt whether or not I liked guys, bc at the end of the day if I do it doesn’t take away my love for girls lol! So I think once you’ve learned to stop caring sm, it kinda helps regaining ur love for what ur acc attracted to back:)) not sure if this is explained correctly but yea!

Megan27

Date posted: Yesterday

I unfortunately relate to this a lot lol, i do believe it’s all just part of the OCD process though. I think the problem with tackling this theme is that it feels more possible than more “crazy” or CLEARLY irrational themes (even though it’s not any less irrational in our lives lol). It does help me to remember that OCD can latch onto anything you care about though, so this theme isn’t actually more important or relevant than the next one

jag92

Date posted: Yesterday

@Megan27 Thanks! Yeah I know what you mean! I feel like I’m always fantasising about a boyfriend and having a family and more kids (I have one with my ex) and I’m dying for more! But whenever I get close to having an actual date I feel sick to the stomach but not like worried about what they think of me …like sick that it doesn’t feel right that’s it’s not what I want deep down…and when I think to my past or previous relationship with the father of my child it was awful especially by the end (partly because of some abuse) I’m like oh gosh I don’t want that again ….ive never actually wanted the reality of being with a man just the idea of it …..so hard to explain …I remember it being good at the beginning but whether I just went with it because I wanted a family ….any the idea of being a man but until it actually happens then I get anxious

Megan27

Date posted: Yesterday

@jag92 I’m so sorry you had to go through that :( and yeah i totally understand that I think it is important to know that the thought of either not being straight or the lack of feelings that you DO want, stresses you out and doesn’t feel right. Like we wouldn’t fear, avoid or fight something we actually wanted, it wouldn’t be a “what if”, we’d just know. And we wouldn’t be seeking and trying to feel our normal attraction to men (which forcing it makes you LESS likely to feel it, especially when you’re deep in the OCD doubt, and then that makes it worse lol). If we actually were what our ocd is making us question, it’d be trying to make us think the opposite of that lol. It all depends on each individual persons beliefs/feelings/level of fear of something. For someone without OCD, the thoughts that stick to us most would be the easiest to dismiss and not analyze, because they know the thoughts you have aren’t YOUR thoughts, they’re just being presented to you. I think for us the thoughts tend to stick because of the shame of even having the thought, even though we didn’t choose to have it. My problem is i don’t know if i should be trying to think the way a person without ocd would, or accept my ocd as something i have to manage like a lot of people say to do

Anonymous

Date posted: 22h

Exactly same here! Some days are worse than others. The hard part for me is that I’ve never had a boyfriend and I’m very insecure so the thought of getting into a relationship and being vulnerable scares the shit out of me. Some days I want a boyfriend and some days I’m sickened by the thought. It’s extremely hard to go through. But try and take it day by day and continue to push yourself. Your not alone ❤️

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