ROCD/ perfectionism

I’m posting this because I’m really struggling, and I’m hoping someone here might relate or have insight from their own experience. I have OCD, and one of the hardest ways it shows up for me is around attraction, relationships, and decision-making. I constantly question whether I’m attracted “enough,” whether what I’m feeling is real, and whether the absence of constant intensity means something is wrong. I monitor my body, my thoughts, my reactions—almost like I’m waiting for a signal that will finally tell me, yes, this is right or no, this is wrong. What makes this especially confusing is that I’ve noticed a pattern in my past. When relationships were uncertain, emotionally inconsistent, or unpredictable, attraction felt intense and obsessive. I thought that meant it was real or special. But now I’m starting to see that the intensity may have been driven by anxiety and uncertainty rather than healthy connection. Right now, I’m dating someone who is kind, consistent, and emotionally available. We share all the same values and he has 0 red flags. We’ve been dating for several months. He treats me well and shows up. And yet, instead of feeling calm, my nervous system feels unsettled. Some days I feel connected and drawn to him. Other days I feel numb, anxious, or terrified that I won’t feel attracted when I see him. The more I check or try to force clarity, the worse it gets. There’s another layer that’s really hard for me to admit, but I think it’s important. He is shorter than me and overweight, and I notice that this triggers a lot of fear around how I’ll be perceived. I find myself worrying about shame, judgment, or people looking at us and what that might say about me. That spirals into perfectionism—this idea that my relationship has to “look right” or meet some external standard in order for me to feel safe. My OCD turns appearance and others’ opinions into high-stakes criteria. Then it convinces me that these fears must mean something important about compatibility. I also notice that I keep asking him questions about health and lifestyle—whether he wants to be healthy, what that looks like for him, how he approaches it. Part of me knows that health is a genuine value of mine. But another part of me worries that this has become reassurance-seeking or a way to regulate my anxiety. When he talks about working on his health, I feel calmer. When I worry he won’t, my anxiety spikes. That makes me question whether I’m using his self-improvement as a way to feel safe rather than truly accepting him as he is. Another confusing piece is that I felt more attraction when we were talking on the phone or texting for a long stretch without seeing each other. Now that things are more real and embodied, my anxiety has exploded. My brain keeps asking: What if I’m not attracted? What if I’m settling? What if my body is rejecting him? These thoughts feel urgent and convincing, even though they also feel rooted in fear. I grew up feeling like love had to be earned, and my one therapist has suggested that this might be playing out now—that my nervous system doesn’t quite trust calm, available love yet. That when there’s nothing to chase or prove, my system panics and tries to find a reason to pull away. Intellectually, that makes sense. Emotionally, it’s incredibly hard to sit with. I don’t feel like I have any answers. I’m trying to figure out what’s OCD, what’s anxiety, what’s perfectionism, and what’s genuine information. I’m trying not to turn every fluctuation in attraction or every intrusive thought into a verdict about my future. But it’s exhausting, and sometimes scary. I’m so scared of forcing a relationship or committing to the wrong person. I’d really love to hear from anyone who’s experienced something similar—especially OCD around attraction, appearance, or fear of external judgment. How did you navigate dating or commitment without letting OCD run the show? Were there specific exposures, mindset shifts, or boundaries (with yourself or your partner) that helped? And how did you sit with the discomfort long enough to see what was truly there, rather than reacting from fear? It’s tough because when I’m in this mode, it’s full nervous system break down and 0 genuine thoughts or feelings

kmp88

Date posted: 18h

It’s so crazy, because I could’ve written this. I mean it. Sometimes it gives me hope to realize there’s some phenomenon happening with my brain to know others are in the same boat. I have gone through a lot of panic around whether or not I have enough feelings toward my now fiance. This happened in the beginning where I was too scared to date him. Once I settled into the relationship, I felt really content and cozy. Though, my OCD clung to a lot. I mean, A LOT. - does he like me enough? - what if he’s settling? - what if I’m not his type? - what if he’s got a porn addiction? - what if he has a wandering eye? - what if he doesn’t have enough relationship experience? - what if his love for me is surface deep? I would fixate on these for a week or so. It would usually end in some fight because I would be poking and trying to inspect and get answers to my questions without actually asking them. You know? Anyway, we’re engaged right now and I’m in a terrible, terrible spiral again. The first in a year. Scared that I’m making the wrong choice. Scared that I can’t see forever with him. It’s awful and it’s really scary. For me, truly, an SSRI helped me a lot, trying to de-center the relationship took the pressure off, and trying to encourage yourself to worry about something down the road. I, too, btw definitely obsessed over really crappy guys. Now I’m with someone who’s a 10/10 and totally safe to trust and I act totally unsure.

~_Anonymous_

Date posted: 18h

@kmp88 Thank you so much for writing this. It honestly means more than I can say to feel this understood — especially the part about OCD clinging to something no matter what stage you’re in. I really relate to the way it shape-shifts: early on it’s attraction and choice, then it’s trust, then it’s “forever,” then it’s something else entirely. The way you described fixating, poking, and trying to inspect without directly asking hit home for me. I can see how much fear is underneath that — not doubt about the person, but fear of being wrong, trapped, or blindsided. I’m really sorry you’re in a spiral again right now. Even reading your words, it’s so clear how much you care and how seriously you take commitment — and how cruel OCD can be when the stakes are high. It helps me (and honestly gives me hope) to hear that contentment and safety were there when the pressure eased, even if OCD didn’t disappear. If you’re open to sharing, I’m curious how you decided to commit in the beginning — did OCD show up around that decision too? I’m trying to understand what commitment looked like when certainty wasn’t there, and how people move forward with OCD rather than waiting for it to quiet down completely. Mostly, I just really appreciate you naming this experience out loud. It makes me feel a lot less alone in it.

kmp88

Date posted: 17h

@~_Anonymous_ It always is helpful to realize what you’re experiencing is not totally unique. So I’m happy to share, because your comment helped me, too! So, my fiance and I met about four years ago. For the first year and a half, we never fully committed because I wouldn’t let it. I would full blown panic one day, end things with him, and just not feel right about my choice — with no real “reason” why. I’d use him, though, as a standard in my head, haha. Like, if a guy isn’t AT LEAST like him, he’s not good enough. Anyway, he would feel confused and try to keep things rekindled, even infrequently and casually. I definitely welcomed it, but would always just freak out. I genuinely felt that if we dated, we would go far. It just weirded me out (I’m divorced btw — a really unexpected, traumatic divorce at 29 and met him at 31.) I just wasn’t ready and never wanted to disrespect him or his time. Really. At some point, I think I was a little more calm and relaxed in myself, and when I wasn’t panicking, I just wondered if I blew it with my now partner. I felt like I never gave him a fair shake, and I felt like I would regret not doing so. I couldn’t really understand why I broke up with him. It was like, “his jaw clicks when he eats” and “his dad has been divorced too many times!” kind of reasons. I reached back out and he was interested in trying again. I guess I just always told myself — one day at a time. I don’t HAVE to stay here. We can always break up. But give it a chance. Like actually let your lives intertwine — be okay with meeting friends and family, and see where it goes. I think it helped that I allowed baby steps, not getting too ahead of myself, and trying to stay present. But, I think these were temporary tools and now I need to find ways to stop ruminating and obsessing over my fears. Of course, my past “doubts” have found roots in my current doubts. Like — why do I have so many doubts? And yet, something tells me deep down it would be short-sighted to let him go again, or forever this time.

~_Anonymous_

Date posted: 2h

@kmp88 Totally get this! I feel like I definitely can relate because I know deep down this guy is an incredible person and I’d regret ending things with him. I have a lot of perfectionism, and I almost think the mentality is you can find someone more perfect for you, but you’d find something wrong in every relationship. I totally get why you’re saying though, you’ve had so many experiences, which makes sense why you feel and think the way you do. You’re so strong and I trust that everything will work out for you!

meow12

Date posted: 10h

i feel the same way in my relationship and it’s honestly exhausting. my main worries are around politics and having to agree on EVERY policy… we’ve been dating for three years now, best friends before we started, and i keep checking how i feel and asking everyone around me for reassurance. we started dating after i had a really toxic fling with this other guy, and i still occasionally obsess and ruminate over how i felt such intensity and how it’s different from my safe, secure boyfriend now. it’s super difficult to grapple with, because no one wants to admit that they question their own feelings for their partner and constantly compare their relationship to previous ones… so far, i have found it helpful to remind myself that there is no perfect relationship out there no matter how long i try to search for it. and with OCD, it’s never going to get the answer it wants. so when i tend to obsess over specific things, i try to respond with “well that was a crazy thought” or “lets think more about this tomorrow” (and then keep delaying it). besides that, i wish there was more that i could offer. i’m currently going through a big spiral right now over the policy discussion, and also can’t figure out what’s OCD, anxiety, perfectionism, etc. But, for me, i think it all comes down to an attachment style that isn’t secure — one that will keep thinking this way in every relationship in the future until i actually let myself be happy for once! hope you got something out of my message. you’re definitely not alone

~_Anonymous_

Date posted: 2h

@meow12 I relate to you completely! You’re absolutely right! It’s a pattern for every relationship and if it’s not politics then it’s going to be something else. This was actually a really helpful response! Thank you! I wish you the best!

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