Something that helps me with shame and ROCD

An insight I both learned / remembered recently that really changed my perspective on perceived judgments from others and intense shame cycles. I often fear that people are judging me. And I'm not alone in that ofc. My mind is constantly anxious and guilty and ashamed trying to search frantically for ways to make sure I'm not judged by others. My mind especially likes to target my mom - an insecure individual herself who I learned a lot of my shame from. I fear her judgment and desperately crave her acceptance simultaneously. My shame and guilt are innocent cries for love. They just want me to act in ways that will win peoples' acceptance and approval, as all humans want at their core. But the hypervigilance and constant reassurnace seeking and resulting depression from the shame is vicious. I constantly obsess: "what if they judge me? How do I KNOW they won't judge me?" Here was a powerful realization that I learned from a book called Self-Compassion: In essence, everyone is judging you, at least some of the time. We all judge for the exact same reasons: to feel good enough. It's a very innocent protection mechanism to make us feel good about ourselves as "good" people. Reject the "bad" and praise the "good." When I say everyone is judging you, that isn't to invoke paranoia. It's to remind you that you can never get everyones acceptance and more importantly, their judgment of you actually has NOTHING to do with you at all. They are playing the same game you are. The "trying to feel good enough about myself as I live my life" game. Their judgments towards you have NOTHING to do you with you. We all learn our judgments through a complex web of life. Parenting, schooling, social media, coaches and mentors, friends, etc. Everyone comes by their judgments effortlessly and without much conscious choice. Hardly anyone wakes up one day and consciously decides: "today I will start judging people for being too anxious and insecure. They are unlovable people." No, we learn judgments often unconsciously or against our will to protect ourselves as children. To me this is freeing because: 1. It reminds me that people don't actually hate me or mean to inflict shame on me. Their minds are just trying to feel good about themselves. If anything, they deserve empathy, not a defensive stance in response to their judgment of you. They judge themselves in this same way. If someone says you're too anxious all the time, what that means is, somewhere in life, they learned that you aren't allowed to be anxious. It's bad and unlovable. That has nothing to do with you. It's something they were taught throughout their life, and they judge themselves for. You don't need to internalize their judgment, it's not yours to accept. 2. You are not to blame for your own judgments. You did not wake up one day and decide what qualities you hate in people and what qualities you accept. Your mind learned to judge various parts of people to feel safe and loved. Why on earth should we judge ourselves for wanting to feel good enough? Hopefully some of this makes sense and helps people. Nobody is to blame for their judgments, actions, thoughts, etc. Drop everything and love every part of yourself. We're all subconsciously trying to play the "feeling good enough about myself" game.