I am looking for someone to talk to, therapist type deal but not just ocd related. I would like to be able to just say things and bounce ideas and opinions off each other, gain a different viewpoint of things. I need to have someone to talk to with no strings attached and no effect on my personal relationships. I very much hope to find that here.
You can talk to me!! I'm listening :-) What is on your mind? What is on your heart? I got my degree in teaching secondary English. I love words. For most of my life I have felt like I have been unable to express myself fully to others. So I understand what it feels like to be holding pain and ideas inside and also needing to be able to talk. I always do my processing verbally. If I try to hold my problems inside, they swirl all up and get confusing. So I understand the need to be able to put things into words. Feel free to write whatever you want ! I am listening:):)
@Tea and Honey I’ve also never been a person who likes myself. I feel like I’m wrong all the time I feel like I’m not good enough, not smart, pretty, liked, kind, funny, I don’t feel like I am anything good or that I will ever be. I’ve been told by people for years I’m not good enough or I’m ugly, to quiet, annoying, rude, selfish, stupid, someone is always better. I always get left for someone better than me. I am never enough for anyone. My self esteem is rock bottom and I don’t know how to help it. If you know anyway to help please let me know.
@Tea and Honey I feel like a total fuck up and I have so much to say about how I feel but I feel bad after I say a little bit like I’m a complete burden. I feel like the biggest inconvenience of the century. I don’t know what to do. If you have anything please give your insight I would forever be grateful
I’m so very sorry i ended up in the ER and have been a tad busy but better late then never I guess. For about 6 months I’ve been mad at the world and picking fights with everyone. At first I didn’t notice but now I am. 6 months ago I got sick. I went to urgent care and got told it was one thing and they gave meds for it but it didn’t do anything. I went back a week later with a 105 fever and 160+ pulse. I couldn’t move or eat or anything for that matter. They tested for something else and it was negative but they told me to wait it out. A month later I was sent to my primary provider and tested for a few more things. I also got a CT, MRI and ultrasound. It was found I have very swollen lymph nodes through my entire body and my liver, spleen and kidneys are very enlarged. Over the past 4 1/2 months I have gone to 20+ doctors including specialists and 60+ different blood draws for tests. I have been tested for everything infectious and some blood work for cancer. Tests don’t point to sickness or infection but not really cancer either. The oncologist (cancer doctor essentially) said it doesn’t look alarming yet but it’s not normal either but something else going on could cause the test to react that way. I have been poked and prodded for months. I’ve been treated like im stupid and doctors call me a liar about symptoms but are baffled when I have evidence of something. I tell people and the only thing they say is I’m sorry. For some reason I hate I’m sorries. I hate the pity it makes me feel small, weak and worthless. So it drove me crazy. Either way I’m still left with a big question mark of cancer or not and if not what is it. I am a person who likes sure and steady, not idk and question. About a month into being sick bball try outs happened but due to my enlarged potentially rupturing organs I am not allowed to play. I couldn’t do the thing I loved at it hurt deeply. Even if it’s just a sport it was something I looked forward to that was out of my reach and I can’t do anything about it. This sickness is truly exhausting, I am tired and run down. Everything always hurts and I’m nauseated 24/7. The fighting is especially noticeable with my boyfriend because we talk the most but I’ve been doing it do everyone. it’s like I’m a bomb ready to go off any given second. I am not trying to be an angry person but I get frustrated with everything. Small stuff and I over react or I am just mad for no reason and I can’t explain why. That’s also wearing me down. I don’t like arguing but I love him and when we talk I feel better for a little like 4-7 days and I’m not mad so I don’t argue with him or anyone for that matter but just like that I’m mad again. It’s not even arguing with him it’s almost like bickering in the way siblings do over something practically microscopic. The said arguments are 99.9 percent my fault. After I always realize it was stupid or mid way through we can’t even remember why we are mad. (Not from him) I feel beaten down, on edge, tired all the time, frustrated, annoyed, and utterly miserable and that makes me bitchy. I don’t mean to bite his head off or anyone’s all the time but i sometimes feel like anger is all I am. I’m having such a hard time being truly happy. For short periods like maybe a day I am happy depending on what I’m doing but more often then not there’s still the weight of frustration on my shoulders. Even when I am having fun it’s just looming over me. Honestly I feel like a break could help a lot, I want a minute with no sickness, no anger, no fighting, no pain, no anxiety just a bit of serenity. Unfortunately for me like doesn’t do that. It doesn’t just pause no matter how much I want it to. It doesn’t help that I have to process my feelings but saying it. It my head jt just feels like a storm and I can’t even pick anything out of it. I don’t even understand it but then I start talking and it doesn’t make sense because I say it wrong. It always causes misunderstandings because I don’t know what’s wrong myself and by talking I figure out what I was trying to say all along but at that point it’s 30 minutes after the conversation and it’s to late to go back and fix it. I just wish someone understood I wasn’t okay. I’ve told people but I don’t think anyone quite understands wha I am saying. All I get it an I’m sorry and I’m here for you. I know that’s already so much and I’m grateful for it but all I want more then anything In the world is for someone to understand my feelings.
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