I relate to this so much, although I have a boyfriend, so I’m not dating, but we have a beautiful 7 month year old son. It’s heartbreaking because all milestones and precious moments I’ll never get back are overshadowed with this constant sexuality stuff. It’s horrible and I hate how real it feels. I also want more children and we are trying, but I get scared that I’m just with him because we have a baby and I want more children, and it’s true, I don’t want to break up our nest and I want a little friend for our son, but I just want to be able to love my boyfriend in peace. I can honestly say he’s the best person I’ve ever met and we are aligned in so many ways, he makes me feel safe, we laugh a lot, and we are best friends, but the constant anxiety/knot in pit of stomach makes me feel something is wrong all the time and I’m scared that “off” feeling is because I’m gay! Every positive thing I think about him is immediately counteracted with a thought about how I can have better with a woman, and would prefer women, some of it doesn’t even make sense. For example, I like how protective he is and how he looks after me, but my brain will say that I can have that with a woman too, but realistically I know I can’t because the hetero dynamic and same sex dynamic is different, whatever my brain likes to say. My brain has turned him into a woman in every way. If I’m like I like his smile, it’s like, but you can find a woman with a better smile, or I love his sexy accent, it will be like I can find a woman with the same or better accent, I love his personality, it is like you can find a woman with a better personality, basically it says I can replicate exactly what I have with him but even better with a woman! It’s sexual and now romantic, basically he’s been turned into a woman in every way. I get triggered by female friends, female family members, females on the street, on the tv, on the radio, stories about females in the newspaper, all interactions with women (all ages) make me feel like I’m falling in love with them, or have feelings for women, and it feels like I can imagine being with them or I can imagine a future with a woman, and it feels indistinguishably real. It feels like I’d be happier with a woman in every way! It’s nuts! I also have avoidance behaviours and I get scared some days when it feels a bit lighter that is only because I’m avoiding. I hope with all my heart this isn’t true, I don’t want to leave my boyfriend. Sorry for rambling on, but you aren’t alone.
