Internal judge who makes me cry and do dumb stuff

I think I just went through a little moment that triggered me. I was at the beach with my family. My sister and brother in law are in town from a state that just had snow. My mother was working from home today so she came to the beach too. I’m unemployed so I also went. I go there at 12:30pm, mom was there and my sister & brother in law were there but went for a walk. I walked with my mom and swam in the ocean too. After a while around 1:30/1:45 my sister and brother in law come back. We’re all hungry so my mom sends them to get sandwiches for us. This is around 2pm. My mom was on a work call and I was alone. I use to be a lifeguard at the beach so I felt that they were watching me and judging me even though they probably weren’t. I thought maybe they are judging me for not being at work right now. For being at the beach on a Thursday instead of working. That I’m privileged or why am I not doing something better with my life. I think it was my own internal critic and my brain convinced they were really judging me. I couldn’t bear to be alone at the beach while waiting for my sister to come. I thought I should be doing something more productive with my life. It’s makes me upset because I know that I won’t always have the opportunity to be with my family all the time and I can’t even enjoy it without criticizing myself for not working. I know I will work in the future. Hopefully doing something I love. But I’m in a transition phase right now. The post college into adulthood phase. The figuring life out phase. It doesn’t help that I feel extra judged by my brother in law. Yesterday he said “so what do you do all day? Are you working? It’s good to be busy.” So being at the beach with him doesn’t exactly feel relaxing. Even though I just want to spend time with my sister since she moved states. I decided to get up and leave. I instantly started questioning myself. Why am I leaving? Should I go back? No I if I go back now I’ll look crazy. These episodes of going back and forth. Of not being able to go all the way with one decision are frequent for me. They make me cry because it’s like I can’t think for myself. I thought I should go home and do something productive but at the same time my family is at the beach and I want to be with them right now. But if I go back I’ll look crazy and they’ll ask me why I left. I didn’t go back but I want to.