ROCD- Can anyone relate?

This is the first relationship where I've realized I have ROCD, and I still struggle to believe it's actually that sometimes because all my past ones have been "wrong"/ i haven't missed them after ending. But I am realizing that every time there is a problem or things feel off, the way I feel is so drastic and my mind like makes itself up that I don't wanna be in the relationship. It's probably because i'm constantly fighting myself to not let random things bother me that do, so when something actually happens it feels so much harder to deal with, and like I deserve better because of how hard I work to stay all the time. I will have moments of clarity that basically feel like I know this relationship isn't right for me. But then I go back to being like well you love him and this is exactly the pattern you've chased in the past. I don't want to repeat the past, I want to grow in love. But it feels SO HARD to choose it. I am now at a point where I go between thinking there really is someone better out there for me, to the fear that the problem really is me, i will always be this way no matter who i am with, and that losing my boyfriend would be a huge mistake. I go through intense mourning and sadness imagining us breaking up and him moving on, and me never forgetting how special our relationship is to me. but then I also imagine a me who needs that. It just makes no sense and i'm at constant war with myself. it's also really sad because he feels like he's not enough and that he's walking on egg shells hoping i won't end things with him. i know i've made people feel like that in the past and i just don't like that about myself. I truly want to change, but how do i know if I should change WITH HIM? or with someone else 😭

Anonymous

Date posted: 2d

Ooh this speaks to me so much and I appreciate all the things people have shared. I’m currently engaged and experiencing such bad ROCD along with some other fears about life decisions. I question whether God is telling me this is wrong and I’m making a mistake or not but this man is the most amazing, loving, patient person ever and definitely the best person I’ve ever dated! It’s tough and I feel for anyone dealing with this.

lostmyswag

Date posted: 2d

@Anonymous i'm so sorry this is happening to you during your engagement , i feel for you too. did you know you had ROCD before the engagement or in other relationships? when did it first flare for you?

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2d

I would say since we all have ROCD in this thread, and all are experiencing the same thing, it’s probably the ROCD lol. We will naturally push people away and avoid. One thing I realized is a lot of people feel safe in marriage/Committment because it is an exciting thing for them, I actually feel much safer alone - even though I have a desire for a relationship. (OCD attacks what you care about most.) As someone who decided to just break up, you think the feelings will go away, but since you know you have it now, you know for a fact it’s going to show up again. You get to choose who you want to be with, you’re going to have OCD no matter who you’re with, love is a choice and it’s not conditional, just pick someone you want to go into the storm with as a teammate and trust God that he will bless it as you endure.

lostmyswag

Date posted: 2d

@Anonymous Thank you so much for your thoughtful advice. I really appreciate it. what you said about realizing you just felt safer alone really hit home for me. I never considered it that way, but that is absolutely true because you can't hurt yourself or someone else when you're alone. there's much less uncertainty because of that, and you feel so much more in control, which OCDloves. i think OCD disguises itself in that category for me and tells me i'm being irresponsible for choosing to pursue relationships over being alone, causing self blame, hate, and shame. telling myself i wouldn't have this much pain to get over or compare to if i had never done those things in the first place. i agree as i've been healing and maturing through this i have had a much more sober minded view about God blessing it and it not being an existential crisis one way or another. for me it's still accepting that i really would have ocd no matter who im with, because i feel like it tells me that it's only been here because the people have been wrong for me! thank you again for your advice and i wish you the best on your journey!

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2d

Hey, yeah. Relate really hard on this one. 3 relationships that I all ended where they were hoping for marriage but I decided I didn’t want them. I didn’t know I had OCD in the first two and the last one I was in therapy the whole time. It still ended the same way and I know she’s hurt even though my symptoms were a lot better by the end in this time. But since the breakup I’ve been battling immense guilt not knowing if it was truly the OCD or not. I also feel guilty for feeling “free-er” than I was in the relationship. I definitely loved this last relationship way more than the others and was as close to good as I could get, but still ended it. But also feeling the urge to move on and already am thinking about other girls. But I’m battling because I actually want time alone, I don’t want to get into something else, and I have no idea if the exact same thing will happen where I will nitpick and doubt all the time. For me every relationship has felt like I had one foot in the door and one foot out at all times. I’ve never fully given myself to a relationship - yet because of expensiveness of the thoughts the brainpower feels like I’m in more other people. It’s actually not the case. Just know that once you know ROCD is there and it sounds like you have a special relationship. I would err on the side of trusting that more than anything.

lostmyswag

Date posted: 2d

@Anonymous The time alone thing is so relatable. I feel i have never truly had time alone and that becomes a fixation for my OCD. it yells at me and tells me i haven't found myself alone, am not independent enough or didn't give myself the chance to know what I want before jumping into something-- and that THATS THE REASON i am unhappy in every single relationship. yet i keep meeting wonderful guys right after my relationships end and i want to give them a chance. the guy i am currently dating is by far the most marriage material I have been with in terms of bigger variables like trust, loyalty, financial stability, having his life together and knows what he wants, values and beliefs safe the same and he chooses me. it all feels perfect, yet i am unhappy. i worry about things like if he expresses his faith in the way i want him to, if he thinks similarly to me enough, if he's "philosophical enough" or "curious enough" about me or the world. i just don't feel seen or understood yet he's here trying to understand me the best he can. but the way he expresses it just doesn't seem to be enough for me, until we are having a very serious conversation about our relationship and then i realize how mature he is and how willing he is to grow. it makes me feel like no one could ever be enough for me and that the goalpost is just continually moving. but then i feel like i am betraying myself for staying in something that actually steals my joy and makes me anxious and have doubt in myself.

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2d

@lostmyswag Oh yeah, my worries were the exact same. Never been more attracted to someone. Laughed a lot. Shared values. But I always questioned her maturity, and intellectual ability, even though she was one of the most loyal people I’d ever met. Since you mention faith - I always thought God would tell me whether or not this would be my person, over time as my symptoms got better, I felt more peace that he was giving me a choice. My girlfriend and I got to a point where we knew something was going to change and it was actually time to just make a decision. (OCD will tell you it’s always that time, but this time my girlfriend had agreed actually about a year in) and I felt God just gently say to decide, and if you choose her I’ll bless it and if you don’t you’ll be okay. It was one of the most reassuring moments I’d had - basically no matter what I do my life isnt ruined lol. If he has the values you like, and is understanding and wants to grow, you can make a marriage work or committment work but it will never work if you’re half in.

Anonymous

Date posted: 2d

This is exactly where I'm at. I relate a bunch to both of you. It's so hard to discern if its ocd. Especially cuz the girl I'm dating is really great but we took a break and I realized there was a bit of past resentment cuz I didn't feel safe opening up to her about my own hurt. But maybe I'm hyperfixating on small things shes done and I should let it go and just name it as ocd but then I start to feel distant from her and I'm slightly angry with her and yeah I have like one foot in one foot out cuz im not able to fully put myslef in the relationship cuz she rightly doesn't want to feel criticized all the time. That's obviously not fun. It's always good to be open and honest about your feelings but maybe it's sometype of compulsion to need to always defend myself and express to her hurt I feel for small things.

Anonymous

Date posted: 2d

Yeah it came up in my first real relationship in college. We dated for 3 years and I felt anxious and off and I attributed that to God telling me it was wrong so I broke up with him. I’ve had anxiety in any relationship I’ve tried to have since and I guess I’m glad none of them worked out which doesn’t really help me in this dilemma so that’s where the struggle is I guess. I just recently learned about ROCD though and I can see the patterns from the past. I also see OCD in a lot of other areas of my life too which gives me reason that this could be ROCD too.

lostmyswag

Date posted: Yesterday

@Anonymous this is extremely similar to my situation. I dated a guy for 3 years in college and ended it for the same exact reason. if you want to talk about it i'm down.

Anonymous

Date posted: 2d

If yall have counsel pls let me know what have your thearpists been saying about it

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