ucantfindthewaist

Date posted: 2d

OCD stuck on a “something in the past” feeling (no actual memory)

Hi, I’m wondering if anyone relates to this because my OCD doesn’t focus on one clear event or thought. It started with me obsessing over remembering things perfectly (like trying to recall exactly what I did, in what order). When I couldn’t remember, I would mentally go back and try to reconstruct it until it felt “right.” At some point that original obsession faded, but instead of relief, my brain got stuck on how it faded and whether I missed something in between. Now the obsession isn’t about a specific memory. It’s more like a constant feeling that there’s “something in the past” I can’t figure out. There’s no clear image or event — just a sense of uncertainty that my brain keeps trying to solve. Whenever I feel anxious or triggered, my mind automatically links the feeling back to that idea, like the anxiety is proof that I need to figure something out. I end up ruminating, trying to understand how my mind got here or what I’m missing, but I never get clarity — it just makes it worse. Even when I feel calm, the thought can still sit in the background like an unsolved problem. I’ve started seeking help and looking into CBT/ERP, but I wanted to see if anyone else has dealt with this kind of vague, “figure it out” OCD rather than a specific fear or memory.

LilB-RadNasty

Date posted: 2d

Currently going thru this also. I have been for a week or so. It is absolutely gut-wrenching. It’s so hard to deal with and understand!

Steven55!

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2d

This where ERP therapy can be a huge help to you, because it teaches you to accept uncertainty, be indifferent to the thoughts and stay in the present. Example: "Maybe it did happen that way, and maybe it didn't, who cares? It's not happening now." NOCD can hook you up with a trained OCD therapist who uses ERP therapy. OCD is treatable, with a qualified coach.

ucantfindthe...

Date posted: Yesterday

Okay thank you. Also i don’t even understand my own mind so i also have the urge to figure out how my mind got here and how it developed to this point overtime. I just dont understand my mind and stuff, or even any of this.

Steven55!

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: Yesterday

@ucantfindthewaist With OCD, there's no deep, dark thing that happened. It's just malware in our brains that can rewired with OCD therapy. For many people, it begins in childhood, especially adolescence and young adulthood. Various external events can trigger it, or not. Again, it's malware, not Freudian. If you spend all your time ruminating over why it happened, you're wasting your time. There's no reasoning with OCD. Just get into therapy and move forward.

ucantfindthe...

Date posted: Yesterday

@Steven55! - Thank you. And i hate to ask this but im asking in the most non reassurance seeking way possible. Does it matter the time span? This dark vagueness started a year and like 4 months ago when my mind detatched the content of an obsession from my feelings. Then from there the vagueness just developed the past year up till now. My mins just feels so heavy and like i dont understand it. Sorry to be a pain just complaining im really sturggling and it feels isolating. Is recovery really possible? And i know recovery isnt eliminating the thoughts or whatever its changing your reaction or something but is recovery really possible because i feel so hopeless isolated and doomed. And the recovery state doesn’t even seem all good either. From what i know its apparently just the thoughts or feelings or whatever are less intense and have less of an impact on you but you can still get spikes and triggers and may be more sensitive than the average person because you’ll always have ocd.

ucantfindthe...

Date posted: Yesterday

@ucantfindthewaist - dont mind the spelling mistakes i was speed typing that.

Steven55!

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: Yesterday

It doesn't matter when it began. It's malware, and it begins at different times for different people. There's no cure, but with the right treatment it dissipates to an occasional, minor annoyance, like a gnat buzzing around your face. Even the occasional flare-ups, also known a backdoor spikes, aren't terribly severe and don't last long, because you're trained to use your ERP tools to treat it. In short, you can lead a happy, productive life.

ucantfindthe...

Date posted: 22h

Thank you for your help and patience. You don’t have to read all this or reply as i hate to be a bother by dragging the conversation. I am also looking into therapy. I recently had an assessment where they basically tried to get an insight to whats going on. I never really got a proper diagnosis for my ocd but a year and some months ago when i was in the hospital for my ed (caused by ocd) they did mention ocd. But anyways during the assessment a few days ago she did an ocd exam of about 30 questions which i had to rate on a scale. They were predominantly contamination based ocd questions so my answers made it look like i didn’t really have ocd but only some tendencies and i don’t like that fact. But they said they’ll get back to me and mentioned cbt but not erp. Thats a step i guess.

Anonymous

Date posted: 2d

I have dealt with this exact feeling of needing to know what exactly happened in what order and to remember the tiniest details but the more you search for that the harder it becomes to find what you are looking for. The feeling of uncertainty that something is there that isn't is something that I struggle with, though it has gotten better for me.

ucantfindthe...

Date posted: 2d

yeah i dont really have that as much anymore, its just where this vagueness started. Also how did you cope with the uncertainty? I also feel the need to figure out how my mind got to this state

OCDwarrior3

Date posted: 2d

I have been going through this as well.

ucantfindthe...

Date posted: 2d

Would you like to share your experience?

OCDwarrior3

Date posted: 2d

@ucantfindthewaist It’s similar to what you described I’m like scared something bad happened and I just don’t know about it and I keep obsessing over all these bad things that could’ve happened and it targets my family and me and makes me feel like something bad happened idk how to explain it

Steven55!

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 22h

Are you in the USA?

ucantfindthe...

Date posted: 21h

No the Uk. I applied for nhs therapy which is free and i have the impression that non paid therapists aren’t very good or efficient but i don’t think my parents would wanna pay for a qualified therapist especially because they don’t understand my condition and how badly it affects me. Even though i tried to explain to my mum but she just doesn’t understand and gave up trying to get it.

Steven55!

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 20h

@ucantfindthewaist NOCD has some videos on YouTube designed to educate family and friends on OCD and what you're going through. Maybe it will help to educate her. BTW, ERP is a form of CBT. Maybe they'll treat you with it. Hope this helps.

ucantfindthe...

Date posted: 4h

@Steven55! - Thank you. One last thing. The therapy hasn’t started yet and i don’t really know if im doing erp right. How do i react everytime i get triggered or sometimes i get waves of dread because its not possible to go back to the past and figure this all out and it makes me feel hopeless, i hate the feeling. What do i do when it hits?

ucantfindthe...

Date posted: 4h

@ucantfindthewaist - And i sometimes get this sense that im trapped in the present and wont ever be able to discover whats bothering me back there

Steven55!

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 3h

With ERP we learn to accept uncertainty and stay in the present. It keeps us from spending all day worrying about it. Youvreay that you have a sense of doom. Morbid thinking is a very common OCD theme. With ERP, you would regard it like this: "Maybe something awful will happen, and maybe it won't; I don't know the future. BUT, it's not happening now, and I'll deal with it if the situation ever presents itself." What you've done is take away OCD's mojo. Also, there's no sense in trying to search for something deep and dark in your past. You can't reason with OCD. It's malware in our brains, which can get entangled with ERP therapy, nothing more.

ucantfindthe...

Date posted: 2h

I truly understand but the thing that makes it difficult is the triggers. Anytime i see or hear anything remotely mysterious, uncertain (even being uncertain about the littlest thing), or dark or unknown or even relating to the past, my mind links it back to the feeling making it feel connected and maybe its the reason and stuff. Its so hard to move on when you are constantly triggered and just sensitive to being triggered . And anytime i see or hear anything like this my mind automatically connects it to this vague uncertainty, and im like “it cant just randomly link it has to be important” then i get the strong urge to figure it out but thats not possible so i get the dread feeling. I also get scare of like real world events and stuff and get scared if there was some huge world mystery that it would urge me to figure out my vagueness. Idk. And i also constantly have an unusual feeling that something is wrong and that it links to the past and my mind and how it developed. So its pretty hard to stay in the present when im constantly reminded of this feeling and constantly have this unsettlement. I remember one time last week or so, the unsettlement left me for a bit and i felt remotely normal, it was some weird peace and that moment of peace feeling unusual just proves how my mind is not at rest 24/7

ucantfindthe...

Date posted: 2h

@ucantfindthewaist - I also have this constant weird anticipatory feeling like im waiting for something. Idk but i think its my mind waiting for another wave of dread about me not being able to solve this. My mind feels like an unsolvable puzzle

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