Sexual Orientation OCD + Relationship Issues

I have been having intrusive thoughts about my sexuality for years but I have always dated men and know for a fact I could never be with a woman romantically. I have had intimate encounters with women before that were not too serious just kissing or hand holding (I am a girl) but recently I have taken it to another level. The other weekend I went home with a girl and it ultimately ended in a sexual encounter. I have been desperate to experience this with a woman in full to be able to push down the thoughts and come to a conclusion but it only worked temporarily. Even during it she asked if I was attracted to her and I said no. Now my brain is starting to force the narrative again telling me that I must be into it because I did it, or that I did not collect enough evidence in my encounter. I am also in a relationship with a man and I told him about it and now our relationship is on the line. Seeing how much this hurt him I know I would never act on this again, but I hate the flow of thoughts I have been having. I am aware that what I did was wrong and I hate that I took it to this extent. If you struggle with this sector of OCD, how do you cope?

LV4523

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: Yesterday

I struggle with soocd and ROCD too and am having a flair up the last few days. It sounds like you went home with this girl as a compulsion to test your feelings. Try and view it as exactly that, a compulsion. I have had thoughts too that I just need to “give in” and try it to truly know. But I know that I would get no clarity from that, and you clearly didn’t either. The main thing that bothers me w ocd is the feelings that come with it. I feel like I would act on these things if given the chance, I feel my heart rate increasing or my body reacting to certain media or photos when I’m triggered, I feel uncertain, etc. I cope by fully accepting these feelings and myself. Truly trying to accept all things that come with being me including my ocd and the thoughts / feelings that come with it. Not sure if that makes sense? But I will literally sit with my eyes closed and actively practice self acceptance and acceptance of all thoughts and feelings. I have found that to be really helpful in my recovery journey!

srbi2001

Date posted: Yesterday

@LV4523 Thank you so much for answering! I think the hardest thing is labels, that maybe I am just bisexual and that is how everyone else views it, especially my boyfriend who is going through a lot of emotions now. I do not want to identify that way. I am having a really hard time with coping with what I have done to my relationship in result of this and the intrusive thoughts are making me question myself so much.

LV4523

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: Yesterday

@srbi2001 Definitely. Labels can feel very restrictive for some people! Part of accepting uncertainty is accepting that you might not fit into a box or perfectly into the “straight” label. I might not either! Nobody truly knows because labels are literally just words and ways for society to collect data. Try and focus on accepting that uncertainty. It sounds like you really care about your relationship ❤️

srbi2001

Date posted: Yesterday

@LV4523 Have you been able to accept it? It feels impossible right now

LV4523

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: Yesterday

@srbi2001 For the most part, honestly yes. But I have been practicing erp and acceptance for 2 years with so many ups and downs. I still have days where I feel completely convinced I don’t love my boyfriend and actually like girls. It’s all about riding the wave of uncertainty and doubt and getting through it. I promise it gets better, but you will have many moments of feeling super uncomfortable in the process. OCD is a lifelong illness, so it’s just practicing those skills and doing the best you can! You’ve got this!!!

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