OCD and feeling pulled to be someone else

Thought I'd share my recent struggles and thoughts for anyone else who may get some value from them or see they aren't alone. A ton of my OCD thoughts come from distressing thoughts about my identity and existentialism recently. It often feels like my thoughts are in 1 reality and my body is in another. My brain constantly has recurring thoughts about things my mom would say, how she would react in scenarios, how she would comment on me, etc. It "pulls" me to act like my mom in a strange way, which doesn't feel very true to myself. That sucks :( my mom's not a bad person of course, but I don't want to be her. I want my own individuality. It's so strange and exhausting feeling my mind "pull" me to be this person that has nothing to do with me. As I've delved more into philosophy, it has simultaneously alleviated many distressing facets of my OCD while also creating new obsessions (because of course it did.) Thinking about how small my own existence is helps me keep perspective on my thoughts and emotions. Like "do I REALLY need to worry about X thing? I'm one of 7 billion people alive at this random point in human history that I had no control over, and ultimately I'm just gonna die. So why worry?" That kind of positive nihilism actually helps me a fair amount. But it also spawns new identity fears, making me question if there really is a "me" at all, if everything I've ever loved or wanted matters at all. It started creating some reall apathy and almost disregard for myself. Sort of like "why should I care about myself and what I think and feel? I'm a tiny human among 7 billion humans and I'm not changing the world. I really don't matter." I had a powerful meltdown yesterday afternoon just crying and so desperately wanting to stop thinking about larger than life topics like the nature of the universe, my own identity and existence, time and reality itself. It's exhausting. I pine for the days when I just had small human worries like if my hair looked the way I wanted or if my bank account was doing well enough. These existential thoughts about how nothing ultimately matters in life has simultaneously resolved a lot of my anxiety while also making me so much less passionate and INVOLVED. It feels like my opinions have vanished. It's just "everything's perfect. Who cares?" Which is very distressing paradoxically. Like I worry less, but now I worry about "wait... is this even me? Where'd all my opinions go?" I long for my true self to return. The one who struggled yes, but cared, and had strong opinions and likes and dislikes, and felt like I was "home" Idk how much sense this all makes. Kinds feels like I'm describing some dissociation frankly, albeit mild. My true self feels obscured behind layers of thoughts about my mom and fear of "becoming her" and existential ideas that are so out of sync with the real "me" it feels like. I wish I could just worry about what game I wanted to play next and what I was going to have for dinner again. Thoughts of doubting identity and the existence of yourself and feeling "pulled" to be something by your mind is so disturbing.