Very bad PMDD

I’ll be honest I don’t wanna type this up because it feels like work. I feel paralyzed because what just happened today. So I’m pre pmsing and forgot to take my medication today but also need more medication for my PMDD. This girl and I been talking did a hit a week now and I know this seems dumb but I’m becoming more and more attached and so is she. Almost like an addiction. We met eachother in person on Sunday and hooked up. I was having ocd thoughts about contamination . Like what if I gave her hiv or sum. But I haven’t been intimate with anyone in over a year. I’m scared I ruined it because imma just be so blunt here and it’ll make me seem racist and I don’t blame you. But she was posting these pots on snap and one was this video of a girl grinding on her at a club or some and me being how I am I got jealous. I become crazy almost. So I’m at work at the reception desk and a get a phone call and before picking up the call I said don’t make me think of this word or don’t even start to form or word it. Usually I can myself down because the letters will start to form but I didn’t say it right? So I’m good. But I feared I whispered it while I was otp with the client . I usually tell my mom things I think about and she doesn’t judge she just listens but I already told her about this girl and she’s telling me I’m moving too fast. Maybe I am maybe I’m not. But I know how I feel and she can’t tell me how I feel. But Anyway I’m disappointed and angry more at myself because I wanted to be stronger in the moment but I was thinking of the post and then he word crossed my mind and I think we all know what word I’m talking about. But I feel horrible and that I ruined my chances with her. I just wanna confess but that’s gonna do more harm the good. I’ve been punching my head and crying because I can’t take these thoughts anymore. I hate to even type this but it’s like it makes me feel good or idk ugh I hate it. I don’t even wanna see her again because I feel guilty. I just wanna caught it off. I also realized she likes to cut off the convo like go on airplane mode or sum when she doesn’t wanna argue. So I end up getting pissed off and angry. I know we aren’t dating but I got jealous of the post because why would she post that? She just said going through old memories. Someone please help me. Also she wants to take me out this weekend but now I just wanna climb in bed and avoid it at all costs cuz I’m gonna feel guilty if she pays for me. brain often fixates on the most inappropriate or "taboo" thing possible for that specific situation. When you are angry, your brain may offer up the most "powerful" or "offensive" word it knows to match the intensity of your emotion, even if that word goes against your actual values. That’s what it feels like .