1st time posting. Need urgent advice please. Really seems likely i did something awful.

Hey folks, I apologise in advance if this triggers anyone. I think this may be a genuine problem I need to resolve even if it was a long time ago as people with OCD, even if they're generally kind and sensitive can still screw up & I find it highly difficult to discern what is something that is an innocent mistake and what requires investigation/absolution. I really hope someone can help me here as this is eating me up daily so i'm struggling to focus on work especially with my usual sleep issues & neurodiversity. This is a genuine memory, not a false memory. What triggered this is seeing a video of bill murray being creepy with gina davis on a talk show & pulling down the strap of her dress. He is obviously destroyed in the comments for it. In 2014/15 in uni, i had a casual relationship. 1 time we were standing in a small group of maybe 4 or 5 in her dorm room while she was wearing my hoodie. She was only about 5'2 & petire so it was huge on her (mens medium i think). She was only wearing a bra under it & obviously shorts or bottoms. As a really stupid, juvenile, ill thought out prank I spontaneously unzipped the hoodie which would've exposed her a bit and she quickly closed it again. I'm not sure if or how many noticed but regardless, it was wrong & potentially humiliating. I texted her 3 years ago & she seemed happy to hear from me. I asked if i ever said or done anything to hurt her (not remembering this thing at the time) and she said no quite clearly. Still, she may not remember this but it was still wrong. I'm ashamed of it & not expecting anything but brutal honesty here as I want to do the right thing. What should I do now?Does this count as some kind of harassment or assault? Getting in touch with her feels selfish especially if it is nothing but i also am afraid of opening up a can of worms. I feel terrified.

Rebecca B

Date posted: 18h

Even though it doesn’t feel this way, I think you’re fine. You took responsibility for something you know is inappropriate and you gave her a chance to talk to you about it. This has now become an obsessive thought that can be put to bed.

MrDilkington

Date posted: 18h

Hi thank you so much for replying. And thank you for being honest. To clarify i didnt ask her about this a few years ago as it didn't occur to me. If I can ask you, when you read this in your opinion was it inappropriate enough for it require further investigation? Thanks again.

MrDilkington

Date posted: 17h

To clarify I'm not sure it can be put to bed if theres a real chance she's out there still hurt from the situation. It's killing me. Also maybe cowardly but the fear of getting a knock on the door is terrifying too. I dont know how im going to go to work tomorrow.

Rebecca B

Date posted: 17h

@MrDilkington I think if it was big enough in her mind for it to have been something that she still hurts about, she would have said something. So since she didn’t, I think you don’t have to let it torture you anymore.

MrDilkington

Date posted: 17h

@Rebecca B - Thank you for replying again. I suppose but what my ocd always goes back to is the reality that victims often stay silent. Now maybe im inflating this into full blown assault but as the other poster said, it's down to how she felt. I'm going to try some mindfulness to ground myself. This "me too" themed stuff is the worst of my fears.

varen

Date posted: 18h

i think thats what defines assault is what she feels or felt. for her it might've been assault or entirely a stupid joke. the most important thing is that you are a different person now and you know that it was a mistake. i think the best to do is to get in touch with her after your stress about this whole situation settles a bit. you need to know that people make mistakes, you were young and propably not that aware of wrong things like you are now. still, if you get in touch with her, the best to do in my opinion is to talk about it with her. ask her what she felt and apologize to her for it. if you feel the urge to know if that was assault then wait. you feed your ocd with certainty.

MrDilkington

Date posted: 18h

Thank you so much for replying. That's true & honestly the chance of her receiving it that way & going to the police is unbearable. It's 1 of my worst fears & i dont think I'd cope. Do you think it's selfish at all to bring this up & potentially make her uncomfortable? Lastly, what's the benefit of waiting until my stress settles a bit? I'm going to be overthinking what I say regardless. Plus the fact that this is the 1st time someones told me my ocd obsession may be valid means I'll find it nearly impossible to let go of the thought that this may go very very badly for me.Thanks a million for your balanced honesty.

varen

Date posted: 17h

@MrDilkington first im sorry if something i wrote might be incomprehensible because im not very good at english. also i might write something with good intention but it would sound wrong?? im not sure how to explain but i might write something i think i wrote it well and understandably but you'll get it differently and not how i meant it. okay so, i think the chance of her going to the police because of this is 0%. yes it was inappropriate but it wasnt something to go to the police and report it. i think it made her uncomfortable but she didnt think about going to the police especially with the fact how long ago this happend so you dont have to worry about the police. i dont think its selfish, it depends on your relationship with her. if you're close to her and if you can imagine how would she feel talking about. and by waiting for stress to settle i meant that ocd needs certainity. when you ask her how she felt you feed your ocd. you cant get reassurance from her because thats what your ocd craves. everyone makes mistakes but now your ocd made it an obsession which craves to know how she felt, was it assault or if shes planning to go to the police to to report it. thats why i wrote that you can talk with her about it when the stress is "grounded"?. otherwise if you ask her it would be your ocd seeking relief from the stress.

MrDilkington

Date posted: 17h

@varen - No apologies necessary. I appreciate you taking the time out to help me, I really do. I hope so but the thing the ocd latches onto is that victims often stay silent for years. Im very confident shes not sitting thinking about this but what if i get in touch with her and it brings it all back, really upsetting her? It's like schrodingers cat. I know what you mean now, that's good advice. I'll wait and see. I guess i also want to avoid it spoiling any joy i have before then as i have a trip planned this weekend. Do you have any advice for this? Thanks a million varen.

MrDilkington

Date posted: 17h

@MrDilkington - Also im not close with her as weve had 1 chat in about 11 years.

varen

Date posted: 16h

@MrDilkington were you close with her after this happend? did she change her behavior towards you? you said that you asked her if you hurt her and she said not so i dont think getting in touch with her would bring her this memory. with the trip- are you going alone or with friends or anyone else? the company of others might help and turn around your obssesion

MrDilkington

Date posted: 16h

@varen - Well I THINK we continued seeing eachother and she definitely never addressed it. Im not sure if her behaviour changed slightly or not but i do remember her continuing to try and stay in touch with me as she dropped out of uni a month or 2 after this. I wasnt in the mood as i thought she messed me aroundva bit and was a bit unpredictable emotionally. She also allegedly lied about having cancer to us so if thats true it does make me wary of getting back in touch even if it was positive last time. A big football game in London on my own. Im going to see a close friend this evening too God willing that'll help give me wisdom and perspective.

varen

Date posted: 15h

@MrDilkington well if her behavior didnt change then i think you are on good terms and your fear is ocd. try to focus on the game, its hard with intrusive thoughts but its not impossible. if your friend knows about your fear and understand it try to talk about it with them

ocdpirate

Date posted: 16h

@MrDilkington … If it will help you find peace even short term , my suggestion is to write ✍️ a letter of apology with sincere empathy for what happened and to use words that are appropriate to the situation as it happened. Print the letter out and then sign it as you would any other legal document in your own words. … then put it in a envelope seal it and consider that matter addressed on your part finished ✅. Moving on , you have taken ownership of your intrusive thoughts and touched it for the last time. … Facing it head on , then taking responsibility by owning your mistake , and then finishing up with processing that mistake and letting it go. That’s a beginning , middle and end of that chapter in your story as a human being. You have already done that when you reached out to her and addressed it then and there. She isn’t holding a grudge or anything remotely close to criminal behavior against you. It was just a thing that happened. You have remorse for your behavior and you don’t have to carry that weight any longer. In my opinion , you have been a a stand up guy about it. Mistake noted , time to move on. … of course if you have already selected a therapist to help you with that you would get a professional counselor to help with your situation. I have not yet myself , but I m finding this forum helpful for me to process my level’s OCD and PTSD that I am addressing. … I am also Neurodivergent an on the spectrum and have terrible social anxiety that I have been masking for a long time. I’ve used that technique before that I’m sharing here with great success. For me once I print the document 📃 out and sign it , I say out loud Last Word !! … This has allowed me to get past many things that have invited my executive dysfunction to dance with my OCD I’m addressing now. Good luck 🍀 processing all of your thoughts and emotions as you handle this situation.

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