Please, somebody just hear me.

I’ve had a strange week. Some family problems and then an interaction with a guy that made me kind of shut down. I’m extremely anxious because I’ve fallen behind at work and feel like my relationships are crumbling, like this gut feeling that things are only going to get worse from here. The guy I became online friends with through a mutual, he seemed nice and I’m always open to making new friends so we began engaging in conversation. I tend to make lewd, vulgar, rather classless jokes because it’s a part of my humor but not reflective of my actual behaviors or beliefs. I thought it would be understood that the innuendos were meaningless and I wasn’t actually trying to take part in anything of that sort but the conversation quickly turned sexual and I became greatly uncomfortable but didn’t know how to respond or who to tell. I feel quite lost in this situation due to my past, talking about it doesn’t help because people never understand unless they’ve experienced it. I didn’t want to open up about it because I feel it’s my fault and not fair to blame him or play victim, I should’ve shut it down as soon as I felt violated and set that boundary but I didn’t, I played along, I was complacent. I feel it’s mean and unfair to block him, perhaps he didn’t mean to make me uncomfortable and it was just a misunderstanding, like I’m not going to find every joke funny and that’s on me. But I don’t understand, I don’t think it’s harassment but every time I’d try to begin a genuine conversation it would ultimately revert back to him wanting to speak in that manner. I wanted a friend. I don’t know how else to feel other than it being a failure on my part, I feel disgusting. Worst part is that I disappear but seemingly none of my so called friends care. I feel like every time they’re struggling, even if I’m dealing with my own problems, I make an effort to reach out and ask if they’re okay so they feel loved and supported, really a bare minimum ask of friendship. Though, only one friend bothered reaching out. I don’t want to talk to anyone anymore because they clearly do not care. My relationships are surface level or are only of value when the other person can get something out of me. I’m tired of being used as a punching bag or a therapist. I want a friend that actually cares and sees me and gives me the support I need. And this isn’t me saying I’m some spectacular person, I’m not, not in the slightest. I’m a shit friend, I’m not doing well mentally ever it seems so I disappear but I do still try to ask, do try to make the effort of reaching out and letting people know I’m at least thinking of them and here when I can be… and they’re all receptive to that… so why is it that nobody can do the same for me? Maybe I’m just being dramatic and everything that has occurred this week isn’t anything. It’s my fault, it always is. That’s just the truth. No wonder nobody else cares, it’s hard to do so when the person is so unstable and unreliable.