Does anyone else experience ROCD?

Yes yes yes! I have struggled with this for 8 years now, since I was 15. It completely changed how I viewed relationships. I was so scared to get into them because I knew that, especially at my age, they were statistically less likely to work out. Anytime I liked someone, I would barely even try because I would think “well what’s the point? It’ll be my first, and we won’t even be together forever”. I ended up having a girlfriend in high school for a few months because she really liked me, and it felt like a way to “have my first girlfriend” without it still being a big thing. I still ended up being sad for quite a while when we broke up, despite not even being the most confident in it. I’ve been on dates since then, and when I was 20, I got together with my girlfriend now. We’ve been together 2 1/2 years, and ever since we first met, it was electric. I could just tell that we were meant to be together, yet I still faced compulsions. It was obsessing over how many people she’d been, with, or because my parents weren’t that supportive of it (and my mom literally telling me that she was likely just a first serious relationship to show me what love is, which messed me up quite a bit), or even just obsessing over how little time we’d been together by that point and how there was still so much time for things to go wrong. I had several instances where I had a meltdown over my awful thoughts. She stood by my side the entire time, refusing to leave. I had one particularly bad one where I told her she just needed to break up with me, and she told me no and that that was in my hands to make that decision. It felt like it needed to be done, but deep in my heart I knew I didn’t want to. She told me that she will always be there for me, but that I couldn’t keep doing this and needed to “want” to get better. That finally made things click for me. I would journal my thoughts or talk to loved ones who didn’t shut me down. I took a lot of space from my parents and sister for a while (and still don’t even talk to my dad that much), and focused on getting better with talk therapy at the time while staying with my girlfriend. The hardest part was falling into those slumps where I was convinced I had to break up with her or get more experience or that I was too young or whatever the case may have been, and they would absolutely suck to get through, but eventually it would pass and I’d be back to being happy. Anytime I fell into a slump, no matter how many times it happened, I would still fully believe that I needed to leave her. I held onto that small part of me that knew I didn’t want to, and that would pull me through every single time. I eventually figured out it was OCD and started researching a bit. Fast forward to us being together a year-and-a-half, and the slumps went away. I would still get down, yeah, but never to the point of becoming so convinced we had to break up and obsessing over it for weeks. I had literally just gone through it so many times that it no longer affected me. Anytime I would feel it coming on, I would tell myself that it was just a slump and there was no need to fall into its trap. That legitimately helped me so much. I still get the same thoughts now, even after starting OCD treatment late last year. I don’t fall into crazy depressive spirals over it, but I’ll still have my moments, especially of believing I need to be with other people before I can “settle down”. But I’ve also had major moments of clarity where I know I want to marry her. We talk about it, too. I’m very transparent with my thoughts, because she understands what it is and accepts it. The only majorly depressive thing for me right now is work, and I’m trying to get out of my job so those clouds clear up a bit. I’m sorry for the rant. I just hope my story and advice can help a little bit, and show you that you’re not alone and that it CAN get better. My biggest advice is holding onto that hope, however small, when you’re really down. Just knowing that deep down you love that person and don’t want to lose them is enough to get you to the light at the end of the tunnel. And you have to remind yourself every single time. At the end of the day, a relationship is a choice to be with someone every single day. You have to make that choice when you’re in a spiral, even if it’s excruciating. Another is reducing stress outside of your OCD. Mine right now is my job, and it makes my OCD so much worse. It’s not worth my mental health to stay here, so I’m looking for a way out (it’s not even a job I want to be it, it’s literally a financial cushion). Reducing outside stress as much as possible helps so much with your OCD. Lastly, keep your circle of support who understands what you’re going through. You might have people try to convince you that you’re wrong and OCD isn’t a real thing or what you’re experiencing (which ironically just makes your OCD worse), but you have to learn to just not listen to them. It’s not healthy. If you don’t have a circle either, you always have a community here or your therapist (if you have one). I am also here if you ever need anything :) I hope this helps in some way. I know it’s a lot. I’ve just been there and I would never wish this condition on anyone else. It’s excruciating, even some days now, but it DOES get better with work and time. You got this, I’m rooting for you!

Hi! I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now. I really know how you feel. I’ve been in a very similar place. I was diagnosed with cptsd when I was about 23, and then with OCD when I was 26. I’m 29 now. Recently, my therapist has been working with me through a neurodivergent friendly framework, which has made a BIG difference I feel. I’m not diagnosed with autism and haven’t pursued one, but it does feel like a missing piece of the puzzle. All of that for context. I’ve had OCD symptoms for as long as I can remember, but had HORRIBLE ROCD ever since I started dating when I was in middle school. I had a huge crush on someone, and when I imagined actually going to the movies with him, I had this gut wrenching dread. This scared me and I spent a lot of time reviewing this scenario over and over in my head, trying to predict how I would feel. I never ended up going on a date with him because I was too scared of these thoughts. That’s when it started for me. Fast forward through various short and long term relationships, I met my now fiance when I was only 18 after moving to a new big city for college. This time was different, I was not scared, I was so in love with him. We moved in together and had a very sweet and honest relationship. As time went on, I felt this guilt that I was doing life “wrong”. I was worried that since I wasn’t living my best single life, I was doing something incorrectly. If I was planning a future with him, I was not being independent enough. Even though these were things I wanted, I worried it wasn’t “right”. Then, one day in 2019, my whole word came crashing down. I had the thought “I don’t love him anymore”. It was on a trip with him and my family. I felt caught between him and my family (who abused me) and the dynamic between all of us was hurtful. That context didn’t matter to me at that time—the thought “I don’t love him anymore” was what destroyed me. I went into a deep spiral for the next several months, obsessively checking astrology sites, watching TikToks about breakups and divorces, constantly checking my feelings, listening to love songs and feeling a wave of doom and dread. I held it all in. It was so confusing. One day, we had a conversation about my anxiety about our relationship. I came to a realization that I could explore my own individuality AND be in the relationship at the same time. And if that became not possible, then I could evaluate whether or not to go our separate ways. But, from then on, it became important to work on myself. And things got SO much better. Things were great for a while, but in 2023, I had another OCD spiral. It was like a war was going on in my mind and my anxiety was worse than ever. It’s hard to distill this spiral into just a few sentences, but my grandmother was dying. She was like my mother, perhaps the only person in my family who really saw me. She protected me from a lot of hurt from my stepfather. Losing her was like losing a part of myself. My OCD said “do I love her in the correct way? Do I love anyone in the correct way? Is it bad that I rely on others for love and protection? Who am I without the people I love? Is it bad that I don’t know?” My relationship with my boyfriend became a hostage for OCD again. This was by far the lowest period of my life. It was during this period when I stopped being able to work, I spent most of my days in bed, never sleeping through the night, almost in a constant panic attack. I entered an outpatient program for mental health, was discharged 6 months later, and that’s when I found NOCD. Since then, after about 2 years of OCD therapy, I am in a completely different place. I am planning a wedding and feel a true sense of ownership over my life and my choices, and that’s both scary and empowering. I feel deeply happy more days than not. I still have compulsions, and if I give into those, my mood and health gets worse. I have the tools, and I still have a lot to learn. But, related to ROCD specifically, I want to share some things that I think made a big difference for me. I’m not saying that ROCD always has some kind of hidden drive or meaning. But for me, my attachment to everyone in my life did have to go through a shift in order to get to the healthier place I’m in now. And this was terrifying. Because of my CPTSD, I thought that because of these small shifts, I would lose these attachments, or thought I was in danger by getting closer to someone. I mentioned the crush I had in middle school because I think it’s exactly the same thing. Every time I get closer to someone in a new way, anxiety comes. My OCD wants to make meaning out of this anxiety. “Oh, if I feel anxious, it must mean that something bad will happen, or it’s not the right relationship, or my feelings aren’t there.” But, once I let the anxiety just exist, it is true that my “real” feelings usually become more clear. One of the biggest things that changed in my relationship with my fiance was as I got better at sitting with my anxiety, I realized I really didn’t like parts of our dynamic. What followed were a lot of conversations about certain things that were sort of left over from a younger, less mature version of our relationship. I started to know more about what I needed to feel safe and loved, was able to express those things to him, and to my surprise, he showed me that he can and wants to meet those needs. This has been the single most healing thing I’ve ever experienced. Because of the attachment trauma, I think I learned that closeness is not safe, and my needs are never going to be met. I definitely think this is part of the reason the ROCD theme shows up. It makes total sense that these attachment wounds need to be healed in relationship to another person, where there are real stakes. He could have showed me that he doesn’t care to meet my needs, and hurt me. He could have decided that it was too much work. He could have left, or I could have decided that I didn’t want to be in a relationship where my needs weren’t being met. It’s so scary to put yourself at risk of losing something dear to you. But, even if we ended up breaking up, I needed to learn this lesson I think. Now, we’re closer than ever and at the same time, I’m much more comfortable spending time alone and I feel like I know myself so much better. I know to expect anxiety to show up and be triggered by certain things, but I can also trust myself to make decisions that I feel are best for me, and the pressure to do the “right” thing isn’t hanging over my head as much at all. I know OCD could whack me on the head tomorrow and I could be in a scary place, but I do feel like I have a lot more tools and self knowledge now. If there is any advice I could give, it would be to trust the ERP process. It’s really scary but it has given me so much agency. CPTSD and OCD are so painful in combination. But, you deserve to feel known and loved. That can feel like a life-threatening, terrifying risk to take if you have trauma! Just know you’re not alone or crazy for feeling that. Be gentle and patient with yourself, none of these changes happen overnight. I wish you all the best and I’m happy to chat more about the neurodivergent aspect if you’re interested! Hang in there 🖤