Anyone with ROCD/SO-OCD feel like it’s denial?

How real can this stuff feel because it feels indistinguishably real? I have this “knowing” feeling and constant knot in pit of stomach that changes in intensity, but never fully passes, and that makes me feel it’s a “real” problem, as it’s been so persistent for so long. I have had other subsets in the past but SO-OCD is the most stubborn subset I’ve ever experienced and that makes me feel like it’s evidence it’s real. I really feel like the exception. Some thoughts come, strike and eventually pass and then may return, like a game of whack-a-mole, but some of the SO-OCD ones haven’t fully left since they arrived and I’m scared that means that the thoughts that come and go and bounce about are OCD and these ones that are firmly stuck and always whirling around somewhere, whether at the back or forefront of mind, are intuition. This is my biggest barrier to getting treatment, as I feel so convinced if I stop compulsions it will solidify “the truth” and then l’ll have no choice but to accept it and will have to leave my boyfriend. That’s the last thing I want, but “what if what I want and what I am meant to have are different things”? I get thoughts like “you can’t choose/change your sexuality, this is who you are? ROCD and SO-OCD pass ball to one another, but SO-OCD is the most dominant theme. Anyone got may advice or can anyone relate? I’m terrified it’s true.

Nia18

Date posted: Yesterday

Sis trust me you are NOT the exception. I'm the exact same, but I event have real events kinda conforming my theme. It's JUST ocd

PinkTulip

Date posted: 23h

@Nia18 Thank you for your kind words. I feel like the exception as it’s been going on a long time and it never “fully” passes, it gets a bit quieter, but it is always there, and others say theirs “comes and goes” and i read OCD is meant to be intermittent. Other themes have come and gone, but not this particular one, it feels different from the other themes. I wish I could explain how real it feels. X

Nia18

Date posted: 23h

@PurpleVelvet If it didn't feel real, it wouldn't be ocd! It's part of ocd to question if it's ocd, aswell

PinkTulip

Date posted: 21h

@Nia18 Thank you for sharing your insight. I really appreciate it. I got really triggered by the other member’s comment and feel even more anxious and sick now.

Gettingmylif...

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 20h

It can feel so real. When i first had this theme 6 years ago I didn’t know what ocd was and was so convinced it was real yet I knew it felt wrong and had occasional moments of clarity where I knew it wasn’t. Know I still get relapses but you will get through it

Miekhachu

Date posted: 22h

I go through the exact same thing. We thought it was just PTSD at first but I couldn’t get over the fact that I have never stopped thinking about almost every traumatic event in my life. My ex husband (who caused the PTSD, and possibly triggered the development of ROCD) used to sit there and say “Here we go again, around in a circle like always” when I’d confront him about his cheating (I actually caught him, and then this all started). Stonewalled, gaslit, projected upon - then things got physical. Now, the only thing that keeps a small amount of trust alive in my current marriage is when he reassures me - I feel the black hole (an empty, but heavy feeling in my chest) lessen or disappear altogether. Well, until the next trigger. All I can say is - we don’t develop this disorder on our own, we don’t deserve to HAVE to manage it on our own. It’s caused by the chaos of the world and our mind is desperately attempting to make sense of it all. If your only experience in that field has been pain - it’s time to change it. It’s time for treatment. Whether or not this is just rumination or intuition about your relationship doesn’t matter right now. All that matters is getting to the point that YOU can tell the difference. Then deal with it from there if it’s the latter, but let’s hope it’s the former. If it is, I’m sure your partner will prove that by supporting you on your journey to mental wellness.

PinkTulip

Date posted: 22h

@Miekhachu I am so sorry for your struggle and the trauma you have experienced. I’m glad you have a supportive partner now. Sounds like your ex was a narcissist! I found your comment, although undoubtedly well-meaning, triggering as it implies it is true, which would be my absolute worst nightmare, and this is exactly what makes me resistant to doing ERP, as I’m terrified it’s true. I have an amazing partner and we have a beautiful 8 month year old son together, so there is a lot at stake! The last thing I want is to lose what we have built. I am worried that my post must sound like someone in denial and not someone with ocd, as it prompted you to imply it might be real and that would infact mean I am the “exception” and the discomfort I feel is a product of a “real” problem, opposed to ocd. I guess a risk we run when we post is that we have to be prepared for comments that reflect individual perspectives on the post, and that can backfire. Maybe I have misinterpreted your words. Feeling really sick and triggered.

Miekhachu

Date posted: 18h

@PurpleVelvet I’m sorry I do struggle with putting things a little less blunt 😅 You are right that our replies would definitely be based on personal perspective - and even with just a small detail of what it was like with my sin’s father I’m sure you can imagine why mine is the way it is. You are not an exception and you are valid with your feelings and worries! It is important - for me specifically - to hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. So I can’t say there is absolutely no implication - just that I genuinely do not mean to directly imply it! So I do apologize again! You not getting help could very well BE a source of falling apart though, and I think it’s worth it to go through together and work to come out better in the end! Chances are you developed these thoughts because of pain caused by someone else - not him. That’s what I meant by you didn’t develop this on your own and you deserve to not have to go through it alone. Lean into your partner, because if it’s not true they will be there to support you every step of the way! That’s exactly how OCD keeps us on the string - charging us when we least expect it. Every time my husband and I feel like things have been going amazing, I get hit with the OCD. It snowballs and crashes with my PTSD and since I’m also autistic - I just meltdown. My ex definitely had traits of narcissism and I’m so worried a lot of the time that I picked up on them. As per my comprehensive evaluation though - I just had undiagnosed ASD, combined ADHD, OCD, Bipolar II, and PTSD. I knew I had all of them except the OCD - I thought that was BPD until my diagnoses. Imagine going through life constantly being gaslit - but it turns out there’s a reason I’m always a raging bitch! 😅 Working hard on managing my emotions and changing habits. My son (5, first diagnosed with ASD) and my husband both deserve the mom/wife they somehow see in me. You deserve to be happy with your family! I really hope that whatever you decided works out for all of you ❤️❤️ And congratulations on the baby! First year has gone by quick huh? Make sure you take pictures, I regret never remembering to take any and now my baby is in school and becoming so independent! They don’t lie when they say you’ll miss it 🥺🥺🥹

jag92

Date posted: 12h

Relate to this so much!!!

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond