Direction

I just realised today, after maybe 25 years of fighting this disorder, its root is probably my desire to be "secure" like the compulsion to align everything I do so that I am as secure from harm as possible. That's it. I am obsessed with feeling okay and in peace, and the more I try to feel okay and in peace, of course my mind the more does not let me. And since my sexual identity is probably the largest component of what makes me me, it has taken the largest damage. All the checking, interrogating and reviewing or finding out behaviour simple stem from this. And I simple lived without heed to what I want. Just letting random thoughts and feelings to direct my life. Never stopping to question how comes that I don't think about what I want to do, but about how my ocd may react to it.

Miekhachu

Date posted: 23h

If I could ask, why is your sexuality what you base your identity on? Your sexuality does not define you, but I’ve noticed a lot of people now base their entire identity behind it. Not meant to be judgmental, I myself claim no sexuality - but if you HAD to throw me in a category the closest I guess is “omnisexual”. Love is love, sexuality is politically rooted to help divide and conquer.

halmel

Date posted: 21h

@Miekhachu Hard to explain, it’s like every other item in your identity inventory which claims a strong power over you, like your name, mom and dad and so on. It doesn’t define me, but it’s a big component is what I mean

Miekhachu

Date posted: 17h

@halmel I’ll be honest, I still have no inkling 😅 I honestly don’t know what I base my identity on. I don’t claim a sexuality and I know I’m female - but there are a lot of moments I barely feel human, let alone a specific gender. Maybe it’s because even something like my name has never felt personal to me? Everyone always gets it wrong so I answer to literally anything as long as you make it known I’m the one being referred to 🫠 Otherwise, I get what you mean by OCD being rooted in feeling secure. The premise of it is trying to make sense of chaos - so we constantly look for patterns and signs even when they’re not there. One of my primary issues with my OCD is relationship based - and deeply rooted in PTSD. I definitely have abandonment issues (from mom and dad too, it’s a very long and apparently traumatic story - to sum it up) and am constantly looking for reassurance or convincing myself that my husband is going to cheat - that I’ll never find a partner who truly loves me. This only happens because my son’s father cheated while I was pregnant. Now I have this false ideation that HE put in my head that I’ll never be enough for anyone and therefore will never be happy in life. It didn’t help that boys in school would also cheat (many of them came back and apologized to me after high school) which probably ultimately led to me being with an abuser. Just glad that my partner now tries his best to not take it all personally like he was in the beginning - before we knew about all my disorders. I know I’m not any help and suck with words - I just want you to know that other than the identity thing I understand your epiphany! I hope you can actually find solace in the things you feel are contributing to your OCD 🥰 You are already more in control with having found pieces of yourself to identify with - I would think!

halmel

Date posted: 3h

@Miekhachu Thank you. I’ve never thought of it deeply, but the way you talk about your rocd is just another way i think the classic not being able to tolerate anxiety comes down to. Its interesting how themes change yet the basic premise is the same

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