New user!

hi, i’m very new to this. i’ve been questioning if i have ocd for a few years now and have been dealing with some of the same experiences as others who have been diagnosed with ocd. therapy wasn’t always the go to in my family so i haven’t tried it yet. ive grown more comfortable with myself after learning im not the only one and others have shared the same issues ive had. i’m going to be very vulnerable and basically start from some of my experiences as best as i can without being triggering. everything started when i was in 11th grade in high school. i started having intrusive thoughts about harm. as a 16-17 yr old, i was very taken back by this. i couldn’t understand why. i couldn’t get the thoughts to go away and eventually it caused me to physically get sick at my stomach. i tried distancing myself from whoever the thoughts were about, hiding certain objects in the house so they’d be more out of reach. i was, like i said 16-17 yrs old, sleeping in my parents bed, so that if i were to get up in the middle of the night and not know it, my parents would wake up to me getting out of bed. i was so afraid to talk about it because i love my family and i didnt want anyone scared of me. i feared i was going to become someone i didn’t want to be. the only thing i could say was “i feel like im going crazy” and seeked reassurance from my parents, my ex, and my best friend at the time. eventually if something bad would happen that i had no control over and didn’t involve me, i would start linking that to “those thoughts were happening because this bad thing was about to happen”. i then started having even more worrisome thoughts that were sexual. i’m not going to go into great detail about it because im still not the most comfortable on the subject. i couldn’t wrap my head around what was going on and i was scared because of the future and life i want to have. again, when these thoughts would happen i would distance myself from whoever or whatever they’re about. im comfortable saying what started that was i was watching a netflix documentary and the question popped up “what if that’s going to be me?” and again i was physically sick and terrified of myself, my head was hurting because of how worked up id gotten. i couldn’t get the thoughts to go away so i started shaking my head to “shake them out” or actually telling myself or my brain to shut up. i would still link whatever thoughts i was having to whatever was happening at the time to rationalize why i was having them, i would still seek reassurance, i began rearranging stuff that i could see causing harm to any of my loved ones that i lived with. a few years ago, i had a bad experience when my ex and i were “celebrating” 4/20. i made him hold me while i slept so that i wouldn’t get up in my sleep and do anything that i feared in that moment. the next day i made him hide any sharp objects and i was so exhausted and tore up because i didn’t want anyone afraid of me. shortly after that experience, i saw an ad on tiktok about ocd and what it really is. that it’s not just a “cleaning disorder” i started doing more research and when i found out that others have had the same feelings and experiences, i couldn’t do anything else other than cry. i didn’t feel as “crazy”, i didn’t feel alone, i was closer to understanding myself better. i am now about to be 24 yrs old in about 2 weeks. i’ve been on zoloft for about 2 years now for another reason and ive noticed i haven’t had an “episode” like that in a bit. i still get thoughts, i just don’t get stuck in them especially like i used to. what brought me here today is i saw an article on facebook of someone showing there ocd and the comments would be so hurtful to ones who do struggle with the intrusive thoughts that she and i do have, because i have the same kinds of thoughts she does. i’m also almost done with my zoloft, which a doctor prescribed to me because he felt that the anxiety i was having was only because the job i was working at that time. im here for a better understanding of myself. i’m also here for anyone who needs to talk because ive figured out a long time ago that we are not alone in this.