Reposting as I made mistakes. How do I stop seeing myself in this shameful light? I'm struggling to do any ERP as it seems like i'm letting myself off the hook.

Hello again, It's 1 thing after another & OCD & autism/adhd has worn me down to feeling more depressed than I can remember & sleeping almost non stop. Can't seem to muster the fight these days. I feel more shame posting on here & I don't know how to stop seeing myself as a bad person or that i've done a bad thing that needs self examination or worse. An old theme has come back with a vengeance, way worse than before as the previous 1 I posted about hovers in the background. In 2016/17 when I was 22 & 23 I tried to date or hook up with three 18 or 19 year olds. These were all dating app chats over the course of a few hours and 2 of the girls were doing their final year school exams, 1 working. 1 of the girls got really upset with me as I briefly didnt believe why she couldnt meet up & she was stressed with exam prep. There seemed to be a gap in maturity (I wasnt very mature myself) which put me off & looking back makes me feel even worse about pursuing that to begin with before we spoke. Maybe it's cause she was in school and i was in uni. It's hard to get my head past. The other 2 petered out & I tried to persuade 1 of the other girls to come meet me & it was a bit sexual over the app. Even with the 1/2 your age plus 7 age gap "rule" I feel like I was a predator without meaning to be. Where is the generally accepted line when things like these are immoral when it's a hotly debated subject in places like reddit? How does 1 face ERP (ive meant to be doing it for the last 6 weeks) when you know if you posted about what you done on another forum many would label you a creep or even a predator? It feels like I'm just letting myself off the hook. Have any of you faced this & how did you overcome?

MonkeyManiac

Date posted: 11h

Im not gonna pretend like I know how to make the feeling go away but here’s what I’ll say: People make mistakes. Mistakes happen because we don’t know they’re mistakes. It always seems fine in the moment but its later when you rethink events that you sometimes have regrets and wish things happened differently. You can keep being hard on yourself for doing those mistakes but I think, if you really wish to grow from it, you need to accept that, whether you like it or not, it happened. But if it happened today, you would do things differently. You cant expect yourself to have done everything in life perfectly the first time, its by doing mistakes that we grow as people. These are all normal feelings. But in your case, OCD has come in the mix to make everything worse. You have this obsession about finding out if what happened was fine or not. Know that you’re never going to find an answer to this as there is no objective answer. For each reason you give that points to it being fine, OCD’s gonna pull a reason that points to it maybe not being fine. The search and the arguing is what fuels the OCD and keeps you suffering. Its about accepting the uncertainty. Accepting that we dont know. Maybe it was fine, or maybe its wasn’t. We dont know. Maybe you’re a creep, or maybe you’re not, who knows! All that matters is that, right now, you try to do the best you can. And as for you feeling like you’re letting yourself off the hook, I also think thats an obsession. Its the need to make sure you "know" that you’re not ok with what happened. Because if you dont have that feeling, does that mean you’re ok with it? Does that mean you’ll do it again in the future(another obsession you’ll never figure out btw)? Its a similar obsession of "making sure". But the thing is that you know how you feel about it. Dont mistake this into me saying you should get rid of the shame of your mistakes, Im saying keeping yourself suffering because you gotta make sure you know it was a mistake and that you are not someone who’s ok with what happened, is not healthy and is exactly what OCD wants For now, just live the present and try to do the best you can. If the shame, sadness and anger stays, thats ok. The same way it is ok if they go away. Go live your life, and focus on whats in front of you right now. Live life one step at a time :-)

MrDilkington

Date posted: 10h

Thank you so much for your considered reply, it means alot. I think I maybe looking back on it with how I think now, as a 32 year old man who has no interest in dating anyone that age but it would've been different at the time given the 4/5 year age gap as that's not unusual to most people I think. On that point, I realise there's no objective answer but I guess I was trying to gauge what most people would find acceptable as in today's world there seems to be very strong opinions on dating dynamics & when a man is too old for a woman or if they're dodgy. I worry more about being on the wrong side if that retrospectively than in the future which is probably irrational but it's a very controversial subject, men in dating. Perhaps I'm being harsh on myself believing I made a mistake as I didn't hurt anyone & acted honestly with other adults but around we go on the merry go round. What do you mean about not getting rid of the shame of my mistakes? Thank you, I'm trying. I miss the days when I could confidently know if I've made a mistake, not this relentless confusion & self fladulation.

MonkeyManiac

Date posted: 3h

@MrDilkington What I meant was, you should not be trying to get rid of the shame, the same way you should not be trying to keep the shame. If it stays, so be it. If it leaves, thats fine too! I think feeling shame when you realize you made a mistake is healthy as it shows you care. Though, I dont think you should worry about how long you feel it like there is some kind of science behind that. I said what I said because I did not want you to think I was saying not to feel shame but then me saying that might’ve came across as me saying you should feel shame :-/ Sorry for the confusion!

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