good afternoon

hey everyone! it’s me again. hope y’all are doing ok!!! ik most of my post openings sound repetitive but rlly, I’m typing this out every time lolol today I was a bit nervous of how I was gonna perform & I pulled thru! but uh…..the way I did it was something quite new I ended up “talking with Jesus” in my head bc I kept thinking of my dad & was wondering if God exists or not & blah blah all that jazz. well, me “venting” left me feeling ok? like I felt heard idk. now I don’t want anyone to come in to confirm or deny bc I didn’t ask for that. I’m just a lil confused if me doing this was a compulsion to get the thoughts to “stop” or just something I really wanted to think about. prolly the latter but also mix in the first ig even tho I had like a crappy 2-3 hours of sleep last night & only managed to sleep good for the last 30-40 min, me “venting” and thinking of other things helped me pull thru & not sleep & crash lol. I was planning on leaving earlier but the money….I’ve got two kitties plus myself to take care of… I somehow feel a bit more “normal” but idk, I still have to see. I am not confirming nor denying if I believe or not. I dunno. maybe? anywayyyyy, I obviously didn’t eat breakfast bc I woke up like 20 min before I had to leave for work & I didn’t get a chance to go on break & eat bc I had things to do & two people didn’t show up today. which in turn led to me staying over longer. I even ordered my food before the small rush came in & came back to finish my shift an hour later (Ｔ＿Ｔ) I’m currently at home, trying to finish my food but I think I’m full now. idk if I’ve been feeling weird of eating but I managed to eat (I was starving,,,,) & I think usually I am full before I can finish a salad from work now I’m outside with my boy since he kept demanding for him to go out. it’s quite chilly outside. the wind’s blowing & I’m shivering with the sun on me I have to think about whether or not to continue to pursue engineering (I’m barely at precal but struggling) or go a technical route. I don’t wanna do much hw anymore but I also don’t want my dad’s money and my money to waste if I just give up. there’s a math exam tomorrow & tbh I don’t think I’ma pass it. I can try to study today but bc I’ve been sick, the class being fast-paced (which I didn’t notice much upon registering), me having to worry about other classes, this semester being 17 hours with part time work ☠️), plus operating at 2-3 hours of sleep……I don’t know. don’t think I’ma make it, but I can try….. I rlly wanna nap for a bit though….but first, I’ll go ahead and do some house cleaning to keep it nice but also bc I need to start helping around. the depressive episode I’ve been thru for these past years is past me. I don’t wanna be confined to my bed and doomscroll. I’ll help my dad out and learn new things little by little. I wanna be responsible and stronger. I will start to help my parents out instead of lying around doing nothing. it was hard for me then and I want to let them know (both mom & dad) that I’m capable of helping out. I have been trapped in this box of depression for far too long. it’s time for things to change for the better. I will live in the moment. like right now, I’m home alone with my kitties. my girl is sleeping somewhere and my boy is on the edge of the bar. the sun is kissing my skin from the tall windows. I’m going to wash the dishes. not a lot left. I will then fold my dad’s clothes to help him. he’s the money maker & has been so generous of letting both my brother and I live with him for basically free. it’s time for me to grow this somehow turned motivational lololol I was nervous a bit while eating my salad for being alone but I’m not rlly alone! my kitties are here and I can do things around the house instead of dwelling on things that aren’t important anyway, I might post later today. in the meantime, see ya! take care & be kind to yourself. hugs 🫂