Can I talk to someone about my HOCD struggling atm

Okay so I’ve been dealing with HOCD for a while now I’m having trouble atm because like a few years ago I went to a cheerleading Comp and o saw this girl and I thought she was pretty and o wanted to look like her so I went to cheer gym she went too but I just wanted to be freinds and now my brain is trying to dig up memories that say I wanted to be in a relationship with her and it’s stressing me out I’m also getting like false emotions like even writing this I felt like fake happy feeling followed by anxiety and I just don’t know what to do I don’t want to be bi or lesbian

@cloudqueen Omg I had similar thing a few days ago

@cloudqueen I would like to explain it to you if you'd like?

@sanziday Yep you can say

@sanziday I would love to hear a story I can relate too hahhH

@cloudqueen So recently I remembered how I really thought one of my friends was super pretty and wanted to be friends with her and show off infornt of her. I remember being jealous of her looks as young kid. After developing HOCD I remembered these moments and now my brain's telling me that these were some early signs I was lesbian and it's distressing me. Same with some other female friends

@sanziday I’m also freaking out because I would stalk this girl on social media and I’m scared it. Was a crush now I feel like it was a crush and like I’m fine with it it just makes me anxious

@cloudqueen I still remember the most exciting moment as young child was when I hugged a boy in kindergarten and in 2nd grade when my bestfriend (boy) who was also my crush at that time had complimented my hair but now my brain says something else....

@sanziday I’m scared because I’m Getting like exciting feelings from This memory and then it makes me feel anxious ughhh do you think it was a crush from what I said

@cloudqueen And it’s like I don’t Care anymore I’m just over it

@cloudqueen I mostly doubt it was a crush because like I said, similar things have happened to me and I never thought about a girl in that way. I still find it quite disturbing that I could think of someone like that...

@sanziday No It’s like giving me false excitement feelings is that normal for ocd

@cloudqueen Again another thing I've read on a lot of websites is that most lesbians or gay people actually enjoy these kinds of secual thoughts and desire them to come true, but when you say you're scared I think it's HOCD. You're don't show signs of being a lesbian.

@sanziday I hope not I don’t want to be

@sanziday Ok, again from what I told you and I suppose you've seen one of my posts do you think I could be a lesbian? I sometimes get thoughts I am...

@cloudqueen I don't want to be either I just want to go back to being that boy crazy girl I was once but I'm scared I'm asexual and I'm going to realize later in life I'm a lesbian, do you similar fears?

@sanziday I don’t think you are I don’t think we are deep down but like when I think of this memory I all of a sudden get these happy feeling there like fake happy and now I’m getting fake memories like did I think about her sexually and they feel so real

@cloudqueen I have no idea why these days every girl I look at, it feels like I've had a crush on them and never realized it and now I'm being stupid and denial and the thing I just don't want to gay

@cloudqueen Do these thoughts still make you anxious?

@cloudqueen I don't think but you mostly show signs of HOCD but there is another way to reassure yourself

@sanziday Yeah but like I get these periods where I’m just over it and I can’t be bothered I’m also on medication so my reactions aren’t as bad anymore but yeah they make me anxious still

@sanziday And yes I’m scared I’m asexual too at times

@cloudqueen OCD is a freaking monster. It just creates this false attraction to people and happiness, and you can't even tell the difference between whether you're really having HOCD or just in denial. But I don't think none of us really like girls and these are just false memories

@cloudqueen Gosh I always used to get scared I was the only person that had thoughts about being asexual but I guess I'm not the only one

@cloudqueen There are some people that say they've experienced latent homosexuality and makes me scared like what if I actually realize in the future

@sanziday Ughhh I hate ocd

@cloudqueen Since you're on medication it might be a bit different for you but I can't even communicate with a therapist or psychologist where I live. People think it's going to make you ACTUALLY I'll when you're just trying to get help about your condition. So it's very stressful for me....

@cloudqueen Like when my friends have boyfriends I think awww I want a boyfriend do you think bi or lesbian girls would think like that

@sanziday I understand

@cloudqueen Same, i feel like dying before I even find out I'm gay

@sanziday Same like o would rather die is it normal for me to be so over it I just don’t care anymore

@cloudqueen No most of them can't even think of boys sexually while girls with HOCD have always liked boys. Lesbians can't even think of a male genital without gagging, at least that's what I've heard and seen on websites

@cloudqueen Some people actually do get over it and still have anxiety about and I particularly think yes, it is quite normal. Since you're also on medication that could also be affecting your mind so I guess you're just kind of numb to these feelings